Fun_People Archive
9 Dec
Updates of Common Expressions

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sat,  9 Dec 100 20:30:32 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Updates of Common Expressions

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Forwarded-by: Gene Spafford <spaf@cerias.purdue.edu>
Forwarded-by: Kathy Heaphy <heaphy@cerias.purdue.edu>
Forwarded-by: Mike Monahan <mmonahan@mindspring.com>
Forwarded-by: Agnes Newcomer

REPORT FROM WEEK XLI, in which we asked you to update common expressions
for the new millennium. But first, a special note: Pointing out that we
held an identical contest four years ago, several people wrote in to accuse
us of senility. This is unfair. We are every bit as alert and aware as we
ever  were. Which reminds us, several people noted that we held an identical
contest four years ago, and accused us of senility. Well, we're fine. Thank
you.  And now, the Report from Week XLI, in which we asked you to take
common expressions, and update them for the new millennium.

Second Runner-Up:
Old expression: Cutting off your nose to spite your face.
New expression: Votin' for Nader.
	(Joseph Romm, Washington; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

First Runner-Up:
Old expression: Ditto.
New expression: Big time.
	(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

And the winner of the "Boston Public" sweat shirt:
Old expression:  What goes around comes around.
New expression: RE:Fw:FW:Fw:Fwd:FW:Fwd:FWD:Fw
	(Twyla Vernon, Verona)

Honorable Mentions:
Old expression: What part of "no" don't you understand?
New expression:  What part of "is" don't you understand?
	(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Old expression: To kick the bucket.
New expression: To open Kaczynski's Christmas present.
	(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Old expression: Just a wolf in sheep's clothing.
New expression: Just a virus with a smiley attachment.
	(Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley)

Old expression: Cutting off your nose to spite your face.
New expression:  Pulling a Michael Jackson.
	(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Old expression: It's no use crying over spilt milk.
New expression: It's no use crying over dimpl't chad.
	(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Old expression: The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
New expression: The way to a man's heart is through an artery in his groin.
	(Phyllis  Kepner, Columbia)

Old expression: The walls have ears.
New expression: The bosoms have microphones.
	(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Old expression: Where there's smoke, there's fire.
New expression: Gloves don't get themselves bloody.
	(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Old expression: Getting caught red-handed.
New expression: Anointing a  blue dress.
	(Chris Doyle, Burke)

Old expression: One man's trash is another man's treasure.
New expression:  A free AOL disc makes a great bagel slicer.
	(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Old expression: Good as one's word.
New expression: Good as a notarized  enforceable contractual obligation
with stipulated penalties.
	(Jean Sorensen,  Herndon)

Old expression: Biting off more than one can chew.
New expression: Gunning  for the Heimlich.
	(Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Old expression: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
New expression: If you can't stand the porn, get out of the Net.
	(Jason K. Schechner, Leesburg)

Old expression: A chip off the old block.
New expression: Knitted with Dolly's fleece.
	(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Old expression: Your mother wears army boots.
New expression: Your mother's partner wears army boots.
	(Michael Levy, Silver Spring)

Old expression:
New expression: :)
	(Michael Levy, Silver Spring)

Old expression: My life is an open book.
New expression: My life is an unencrypted ASCII file.
	(Russ Beland, Springfield)

Old expression: Up yours.
New expression: Acquaint yourself with the alien probe.
	(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Old expression: Counting your chickens before they're hatched.
New expression: Don't count those chickens!
	(George W. Bush, Austin, Tex.; Chris Shreves, Oak Hill)

© 2000 Peter Langston