Fun_People Archive
27 Nov
Election 3000 Debate

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 27 Nov 100 21:06:35 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Election 3000 Debate

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Forwarded-by: george osner <gosner@ainet.com>
Forwarded-by: artc@execpc.com (Andrew Thomas-Cramer)

Moderator:
  "Welcome to the presidential debate for the year 3000. This year's
   contenders for the presidential race are Han Solo and the
   captain du jour of the Deathstar. Third-party candidates
   Luke Skywalker and Jabba the Hut have been excluded from the debate.

   Current poll numbers are:
     Deathstar captain: 47%
              Han Solo: 46%
        Luke Skywalker:  5%
         Jabba the Hut:  1%"

HS: "The captain will blow up your planet."
DC: "You're just trying to scare people. Trust me."
HS: "It's in your plan! 'January 2, 3000: destroy planet Epsilon
     Iridani IV.'"
DC: "No it's not."
HS: "It's on your hyperweb! Just go and look! And it says 'Appoint
     Darth Vader to Supreme Court.'"
DC: "No it doesn't. You're just trying to scare people. Trust me."
HS: "Also in your plan, it says you're going to give young people a
     thousand credits a year retirement benefit. Where is the money
     coming from?"
DC: "Moderator, he's asking me questions I can't answer. That's not
     fair! (Whine! Whine!)"
HS: "A thousand credits a year for 42 trillion young people in the
     galaxy ... that's 42 quadrillion credits a year."
DC: "That's fuzzy math. I'm beginning to believe Han Solo invented
     mathematics."
HS: "You're promising a vapor thousand, and *I've* got fuzzy math?"
DC: "I'm glad you admit to it. I should also point out that ten cycles
     ago you made a mistake while dividing up a dinner tab. I expect
     my Deathstar support team to harp on that incessantly for several
     weeks."
HS: "Yes, that was an error, and I'm sorry about that."
DC: "I think that shows a pattern. We need to bring honesty back to the
     presidency."
HS: "You're the captain of the *Deathstar*!"
DC: "And proud of it! The crew of the Deathstar gave me their trust
     to lead them on our missions of medical mercy."
HS: "I think we can find a better means of distributing medical
     assistance than the *Deathstar*!"
DC: "Clearly, my opponent wants to unleash hordes of government
     bureaucrats."
HS: "Let's see, government bureaucrats ... Deathstar bureaucrats ...
     government bureaucrats ... Deathstar bureaucrats ... I can see how
     you would prefer the latter."
DC: "I'm glad you agree. We need to move decision-making out of Earth,
     and closer to the people. The Deathstar can get very close."
HS: "I was being sarcastic."
DC: "Is that one of those high-school debating tricks?"
HS: "Um, let's move on. Your environmental record as captain of the
     Deathstar is abhorrent."
DC: "No it's not. You're just trying to scare people."
HS: "You destroy whole planets! How could you have a worse environmental
     record than that?"
DC: "You can cite all the 'facts' and 'figures' you want. I stand by my
     environmental record as captain of the Deathstar."
HS: "If I'm elected president, I'll sign a bill outlawing the Deathstar
     as my first act."
DC: "That's the difference between my opponent and me. He trusts the
     government. I trust you."
HS: "I trust the galaxy's people. I just don't trust the Deathstar."

Moderator: "And now for concluding remarks..."

HS: "My opponent is a smiling moron with a plan for galactic pillage
     that he doesn't even understand. What kind of idiots would vote
     for him?"
DC: "We need to avoid the partisanship of the past. Vote a straight
     Deathstar ticket."

© 2000 Peter Langston