Fun_People Archive
30 Oct
ASOTD (Airline Stories O' The Day) - 10/30/00

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 30 Oct 100 16:59:53 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: ASOTD (Airline Stories O' The Day) - 10/30/00

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Who says pilots and controllers have no sense of humor?  Following are
accounts of actual exchanges between airline and control towers from
around the world.

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The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to
make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between
aircraft).  The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two
thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing
a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach
speed just a little too high.  San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn
right at the end, if able.  If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of
Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock
and three miles." Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him.  We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock
and three miles.  Do you have that traffic?" Delta 105 (long pause and then
in a thick southern drawl): "Well... I've got something down there.  Can't
quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Tower:	"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702:
	"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ...  by the way,
	after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
	end of the runway."
Tower:  "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
	124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635:
	"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied
	Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
O'Hare Approach Control:
	"United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3
	miles, eastbound."
United 329:
	"Approach, I've always wanted to say this...  I've got that
	Fokker in sight."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to
get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement
that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after
landing:

Speedbird 206:
  "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground:
  "Guten morgen!  You will taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to
a stop.

Ground:
  "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206:
  "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience):
  "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"

Speedbird 206 (cooly):
  "Yes, I have, in 1944.  In another type of Boeing.  I didn't stop."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Unknown Aircraft:
	"I'm fucking bored!".
Air Traffic Control:
	"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft:
	"I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"

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© 2000 Peter Langston