Fun_People Archive
19 May
Abbott & Costello Learn Hebrew

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 19 May 100 00:35:27 -0700
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Abbott & Costello Learn Hebrew

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	ABBOTT & COSTELLO LEARN HEBREW
	by Rabbi Jack Moline

ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
COSTELLO:  I'm ready to learn.
   A: Now, the first thing you must understand. is that Hebrew and English
have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
   C: Sure, I understand.
   A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
   C: How stupid do you think I am?  Don't answer that.  It's simple-some
words in  Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same.
   A: Precisely.
   C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
   A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
   C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew.  So make
with the Hebrew.
   A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
   C: You.
   A: No, mee.
   C: Fine, we'll start with you.
   A: No, we'll start with mee.
   C: Okay, have it your way.
   A: Now, mee is who.
   C: You is Abbott.
   A: No, no, no.  Mee is who.
   C: You is Abbott.
   A: You don't understand.
   C: I don't understand?  Did you just say me is who?
   A: Yes I did.  Mee is who.
   C: You is Abbott.
   A: No, You misunderstand what I am saying.  Tell me about mee.
   C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
   A: No, no.  Tell me about mee!
   C: Who?
   A: Precisely.
   C: Precisely what?
   A: Precisely who.
   C: It's precisely whom!
   A: No, mee is who.
   C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.
   A: All right.  Hu is he.
   C: Who is he?
   A: Yes.
   C: I don't know.  Who is he?
   A: Sure you do.  You just said it.
   C: I just said what?
   A: Hu is he.
   C: Who is he?
   A: Precisely.
   C: Again with the precisely!  Precisely who?
   A: No, precisely hee.
   C: Precisely he?  Who is he?
   A: Precisely!
   C: And what about me?
   A: Who.
   C: Me, me, me!
   A: Who, who, who!
   C: What are you, an owl?  Me!  Who is me?
   A: No, hu is he!
   C: I don't know; maybe he is me!
   A: No, hee is she!
   C: (STARE AT ABBOTT) Do his parents know about this?
   A: About what?
   C: About her!
   A: What about her?
   C: That she is he!
   A: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
   C: Then who is he?
   A: Precisely!
   C: Who?
   A: He!
   C: Me?
   A: Who!
   C: He?
   A: She!
   C: Who is she?
   A: No, hu is he.
   C: I don't care who is he; I want to know who is she?
   A: No, that's not right.
   C: How can it not be right?  I said it.  I was standing here when I said
it, and I know me.
   A: Who.
   C: Who?
   A: Precisely!
   C: Me!  Me is that he you are talking about!  He is me!
   A: No, hee is she!
   C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew,
and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
   A: Go ahead.
   C: Now first You want to know me is who.
   A: Correct.
   C: And then you say who is he.
   A: Absolutely.
   C: And then you  tell me he is she.
 A&C:  Precisely!
   C: Now look at this logically.  If me is who.  And who is he.  And he is
she.  Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
   A: Who!
   C: She!
   A: That is hee!
   C: Who is he?
 A&C:  Precisely!
   C: I have just about had it.  You have me confused I want to go home.
You know what I want?  Ma!
   A: What.
   C: I said Ma.
   A: What.
   C: What are you, deaf?  I want Ma!
   A: What!
   C: Not what, who!
   A: He!
   C: Not he!  Ma is not he!
   A: Of course not!  Hu is he!
   C: I don't know.  I don't know.  I don't care.  I don't care who is he,
he is she,  me is who, ma is what.  I just want to go home now and play
with my dog.
   A: Fish.
   C: Fish?
   A: Dag is fish.
   C: That's all, I'm outa here.

© 2000 Peter Langston