Fun_People Archive
18 Feb
The Dilbert Awards?

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 18 Feb 100 11:39:49 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: The Dilbert Awards?

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[Way too good to be true, if you ask me...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: Jamie Brown <jamie.brown@gci.net>

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for
people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.  Here
are the finalists:

1.  "As of tomorrow employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (Winning quote from Fred
Dales at Microsoft Corp.).

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should only
be used for company business." (Accounting Mgr, Electric Boat Co.)

4. "This project is so important that we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it." (Advertising Manager, United Parcel Service)

5.  My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell
Computers)  ***** Note the company  ******

6. Quote from the boss. "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I
say."(Marketing Executive, Citrix Corporation)

7. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I
told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the
busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to
Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."(Shipping Exec, FTD Florists)

8. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going
to discuss it with the employees." (Switching Mgr., AT&T Long Lines Div.)

9. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned
above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

10. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning
a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
He said: "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to
ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards)

11. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing
our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in
one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of
the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR director's office and told that the
executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I
asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?)
working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo with
the demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The
HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his
dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told
me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the
entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found
in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later,
I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation
memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.  (Taco Bell
Corporation)

© 2000 Peter Langston