Fun_People Archive
31 Jan
Australia: The Confusing Country

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 31 Jan 100 21:29:32 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Australia: The Confusing Country

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From: the Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Earth Edition)

http://www.h2g2.com/A53650

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Australia: The Confusing Country

...

The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that
of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them.
Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous
arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few
snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the
spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check
inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting
down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are
more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the
common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life
digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes
out to eat worms and grubs.

The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible.
Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass
Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads.  Semi-trailers
(Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side,
and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting,
glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an
asymmetrical high-speed launching pad, with results that can be imagined,
but not adequately described.

© 2000 Peter Langston