Fun_People Archive
23 Nov
Tuck's List

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 23 Nov 99 23:49:52 -0800
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Subject: Tuck's List

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	BAD GIGS   What can go wrong?
	by Tuck Andress (of Tuck & Patti)

 Borrowed guitar, different string spacing, bridge or nut sliding during
 stringbending or vibrato, wrong strap length or strap breaking during solo,
 unwoundguitar string used as backup strap gradually cutting through shirt
 and shoulder, sleeve snagging on bridge suddenly locking up hand, wrong
 pick, dropped pick, broken pick, no pick, pick stuck between strings,finger
 caught between strings, wrong strings, dead strings, sticky strings, blood
 on strings, broken strings, no extra strings, jar of honey spilled all over
 strings, vintage L-5's gig bag shoulder strap breaking immediately before
 album release concert for 5,000 people causing guitar to fall on concrete
 and creating crack from tailpiece to neck which gradually splits apart
 during performance with action getting higher and higher, amp too far away,
 amp too close, amp  broken so play through bass amp or P.A., tone all
 wrong, overdrive bypass switch broken, cymbal in ear,band too loud,
 audience too loud, band downstairs too loud, bad monitors, no monitors,
 in-ear monitors broken so Patti is heard acoustically but Tuck is heard
 only through house PA 50 yards away resulting in Tuck being unavoidably
 out of sync with Patti by 1/6 second for whole show, guitar buzz, RF from
 nearby transmitter louder than the music itself, brownouts making organ
 pitchfluctuate randomly over an octave range, power outage, equipment
 plugged into 230 volts immediately before show, earthquake during show in
 high-rise, outdoor desert performance at 131 degrees with sand-blasting
 winds, sub-freezing outdoor mountaintop performance with snow storms and
 40 mph winds, high altitude dizziness, no sleep, no food, too much food,
 wrong food, food poisoning, fever, locked bathrooms, way too many liquids
 before long show, nagging suspicion that zipper is down, contact lens
 falling out during moment of peak concentration, compromised hand position
 due to repeatedly sliding full width of stage while trying to keep playing
 but not collide with Patti on yacht in rough Finnish Gulf of Bothnia,
 charts blown away by wind, charts on thermal fax paper, charts in wrong
 key, charts without bar lines, charts with bar lines all displaced by two
 beats, charts in bass clef or C clef, chord charts with do/re/mi (France)
 instead of C/D/E and everything else in Portuguese, realization that Miles
 Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, Joe Pass, George Benson, Chaka Khan, Bobby McFerrin
 or Steve Gadd just walked in, drunks falling on stage, drunks disrobing on
 stage, drunks grabbing instruments or band members, band members falling
 asleep during song, pigs frolicking in sawdust-covered frat house knocking
 over band equipment, thinly veiled animosity between bride's and groom's
 families erupting into violence during heartfelt version of My Romance,
 nightly juggling of playing and operating the lighting console/footswitches
 and talking to audience members and trying to reign in tempos and egos of
 various fellow top-40 band members, arrival at duo gig with unbelievably
 loud, aggressive fuzz-wah hard rock bass player to discover that assignment
 is to back up elderly white-haired and white-suited gentleman singing
 unfamiliar country songs to unforgiving patrons, crowded upscale happy hour
 dance floor unraveling into pandemonium as normal-looking customers all
 collapse to the floor and writhe around on each other while astonished
 saxophone- playing duo partner walks out leaving helpless solo guitarist
 playing The Hustle for 25 minutes, funk bass playerimprisoned in lounge
 band insisting on popping strings throughout sensitive ballads, accidental
 imprisonment of Patti in wine cellar out of earshot during guitar
 instrumentals, onstage and on-instrument living creatures with varying
 numbers of legs, belligerent drunken bowling alley lounge customer
 demanding that funk band play Debussy's Clair de Lune while remainder of
 band looks expectantly at guitarist, drummer watching ball game on portable
 TV with headphones throughout performance, guest singer repeatedly changing
 keys at random moments, realization that the people who have just boldly
 picked up instruments and are unexpectedly sitting in are Herbie Hancock
 and Wah Wah Watson, guns drawn at rehearsals to settle disputes about form
 of song, marginally famous singer resorting to the dreaded  "Do you know
 who I am" line, drummer and delusional would-be front man jumping off the
 drums in the middle of a song and mistakenly chanting "we don't need no
 drummer to keep that funky beat" to a dance floor packed with suddenly
 hostile former dancers, unstable band member deciding that it is his
 responsibility to educate the audience over the microphone, bass player
 playing random notes and rhythms because he is not a bass player at all
 but nonetheless booked the gig, drummer announcing that he killed somebody
 just before the show, swimming pool party turning into orgy with splashing
 on inexperienced solo electric guitarist sitting beside pool doing his
 first solo gig and fielding endless requests for the same song he had just
 played yet again, bride's and groom's special song evaporating from
 mortified solo musician's mind at the crucial moment, band member
 disappearing suddenly when his chair falls backwards off riser, unstable
 enormous man peaking on LSD brandishing artificial limb removed from his
 companion at audience and threatening band to "sing with this", mirrors on
 back wall of club causing introspective young guitarist to question meaning
 of his life at early stage in career.

 -Tuck Andress

© 1999 Peter Langston