Fun_People Archive
18 Sep
Kosher Campaign Update

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sat, 18 Sep 99 12:18:49 -0700
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Kosher Campaign Update

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	Campaign Update

Responding to reports that Hillary Rodham Clinton's quest for a Senate seat
from New York improved after it became known that her stepgrandfather was
Jewish, New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani now has reported that his second
cousin's third wife once rode in a cab driven by a Jewish driver. He
proclaimed that he is just as Jewish as Mrs. Clinton.  Anyone who disagrees
with this, I'll personally give a smack on the tuchus."

Vice President Al Gore, also dropped the news that he once roomed in college
with a young man whose aunt briefly dated a Jewish dentist.  And once, while
visiting New York, I enjoyed a piece of Halvah. Martin Peretz, publisher of
the New Republic and longtime Gore supporter, said that Gore was over the
house the other night for dinner, and insisted on a corned beef sandwich
and a seltzer. And when I brought it to him, he said, 'Ah gezunt af dein
keppel.'" [--literally: "health on your head"--a toast of health and thanks
-Bob S]

Former Sen. Bill Bradley said that Jewish people appreciate and admire
intellectual achievement, and they would kvell if they knew my SAT scores
or grades at Princeton. "I know that Jewish people are obsessed with knowing
which famous people are Jewish, whether its movie stars or famous athletes
or politicians, but I'm running a different kind of campaign, and I'm just
not going to get into that stuff. So I wont even comment on the fact that
my campaign treasurer's economics professor at Columbia once used a Jewish
accountant."

Campaigning in Houston, Gov. George W. Bush, cut short a speech in Spanish
to a Hispanic audience to ask directions to the nearest synagogue. When
asked why, he said he did not want to look like he was engaging in the
reprehensible practice of catering to Jewish voters, so he could not
explain. But he did note a moment later that his wife's manicurists
therapists uncle died that morning in Brooklyn, and he thought it would  be
appropriate to stop in to a synagogue and recite the traditional kiddush.

Later, when asked if he meant the Kaddish prayer recited for the dead other
than the blessing over wine, Bush was annoyed. Hey, I know about Jews and
all their sensitivities. I read the Old Testament, I learned plenty in the
Holy Land. I visited the Wailing Wall and saw where our Lord walked. And I
kibbutzed around with folks on a kibbitz."

In New York, the Anti-Defamation League issued a statement decrying the
growing hysteria among our political leaders to try to please Jewish voters
who are far too sophisticated to fall for such crass attempts.  We wont
tolerate anyone, including powerful politicians, being too nice to us," said
ADL leader Abe Foxman.

Rabbi Avi Weiss of Riverdale announced immediate plans to chain himself to
the next politician who emphasizes his or her Jewish ties.

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton chastised the press for creating such a fuss in
the first place over the fact that her grandmother had been married to a
Jew. She said any talk of her leaking this information to improve her
standing in the Jewish community was absurd.  She then left for Western
Maryland with her husband where they planned to rename their presidential
retreat Camp Star of David.

© 1999 Peter Langston