Fun_People Archive
30 Aug
Notice to Alleged Passengers

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 30 Aug 99 10:50:08 -0700
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Notice to Alleged Passengers

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	NOTICE TO PASSENGERS
	FROM AMERICAN AIRLINES AND MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT:
	-- By Dave Barry, Miami Herald, Friday, August 27, 1999

We realize that you may be concerned about the arrests Wednesday of 58
alleged airport employees for allegedly smuggling large quantities of drugs
and weapons on commercial flights. Please rest assured that we do NOT
condone this type of alleged activity. That's why for years we've been
sending undercover inspectors to monitor the alleged baggage handling
operation at Miami International Alleged Airport and Baggage Giveaway
Center. Granted, most of these inspectors soon disappear without a trace,
but we keep sending more. That is how committed we allegedly are.

However, in light of the recent unfortunate allegations, we have decided to
"beef  up" our security operation. We are no longer going to allow airport
workers to  simply walk onto aircraft without being challenged.  >From now
on, they will be  subjected to the same type of rigorous screening procedure
that we use on our passengers; namely, they will have to correctly answer
two tricky questions:

1. Are you allegedly involved in any kind of alleged operation?

2. Have your drugs or weapons been under your personal control since you
   hid them on your body?

Only if the airline personnel provide the correct answers to BOTH of these
questions (1: "No"; 2: "Yes") will they be permitted to board the aircraft.

We are confident that this stringent new procedure will greatly enhance the
security of airport operations. However, we can only do so much. In the
final analysis, we must also rely on you, our alleged customers, to help
insure the safety of those flights that actually manage, for whatever
reason, to take off. That is why we are issuing the following Special New
Guidelines for Passengers Flying Into Or Out Of MIA:

CARRY-ON LIMITS: Passengers are requested to limit their carry-on baggage
to two kilos. Remember: Aircraft storage space is very limited, and you are
sharing it not only with your crew and fellow passengers, but also with
several major cartels.

STORAGE: Assault rifles must fit completely into the overhead compartment
and may not be used to demand extra peanuts. Also, pins may not be removed
from hand grenades during taxi, takeoff or landing.

BEVERAGE SERVICE: Passengers should clearly inform the flight attendant
whether they prefer their coffee with or without heroin.

We are confident that, with your cooperation, we can "turn things around"
at MIA and make it one of the most secure airports in all of Miami-Dade
County. So on behalf of everybody here who is not currently in custody,
thanks for your continued patronage, and we hope you take one of our flights
soon!

p.s. If you DO take one of our flights, would you mind carrying a small
package for us?

© 1999 Peter Langston