Fun_People Archive
15 Jun
Telemarketing - What Are My Choices?

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 15 Jun 99 00:37:14 -0700
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Telemarketing - What Are My Choices?

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
X-http://www.langston.com/psl-bin/Fun_People.cgi
[You could think of this as Telemarketer Torment Techniques, part 2
 (see <http://www.langston.com/Fun_People/1993/1993ABE.html>)  - psl]

Forwarded-by: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>

WHAT ARE MY CHOICES
by Robert Byron

It was a dark and stormy night, but I'm not here to talk about that.
I'm going to talk about something even more frightening.  I will, once
again, speak of telemarketers.  Yes, the topic is not for the squeamish
so beware.  If you have a heart condition, stop reading now.

It was dinnertime, as it always is, when the "invader" called. The
conversation went like this:

Me:  Hello?

Him:  Hello, this is Jeff with United Independent Universal
Environmental Awareness Group.

Me:  I'm sorry, who did you say?  (Is this AT&T? phahaha!)

Him:  This is Jeff with United Independent Universal Environmental
Awareness Group and we would like to ask you a few questions about your
local power company.

Me:  Well, I'm getting ready to eat dinner right now.

Him:  This will only take a few minutes of your time.

Me:  OK, I'll talk to you until my dinner is ready.

Him:  OK, fair enough, do you know the name of your local power company?

Me:  I think so.

Him:  What is the name.

Me:  You aren't a spy for them are you?

Him:  No sir.

Me:  How do I know that?

Him:  Well, I'm just not.

Me:  Who do you work for?

Him:  United Independent Universal Environmental Awareness Group.

Me:  Can I have your word on that?

Him:  Absolutely sir.

Me:  OK, I get this bill every month from Carolina Power and Light.  I
suspect that they would be my power company.

Him:  And do you know the location of their closest nuclear power plant.

Me:  Closest to you or closest to me?

Him:  To you.

Me:  Yes.

Him:  How far away is it from you?

Me:  At least a days walk.

Him:  About how many miles is that?

Me:  It was forty the last time I walked it.

Him:  If I were to ask you how you feel about the nuclear facility being
so close to you, would you answer:

A. I don't like it at all,
B. I somewhat don't like it.
C. It doesn't matter to me
D. I somewhat like it.
E. I like it.

Me:  I don't know.  Why don't you ask me?

Him:  I just did.

Me:  No you said "If I were to ask you."

Him:  Well, let's just say I asked you, what would your answer be?

Me:  I asked you, what would your answer be.

Him:  What?

Me:  You said, "Say, I asked you what would your answer be."

Him:  Actually, no, I wanted you to answer the question.

Me:  What was the question?

Him:  How do you feel about the nuclear facility being so close to you,
would your answer be:

A. I don't like it at all
B. I somewhat don't like it
C. It doesn't matter to me
D. I somewhat like it
E. I like it.

Me:  It doesn't matter to you.

Him:  No, how do you feel about it.

Me:  About what?

Him:  The nuclear power plant being so close to you.

Me:  I don't know.

Him:  Would that be the same as "It doesn't matter to me?"

Me:  I don't know, how do you feel about it?

Him:  No sir, I meant would your saying that you don't know mean the
same as you saying that it doesn't matter to you?

Me:  No, my saying "I don't know" would mean the same as me saying, "I
don't know."

Him:  OK, do you know what they do with their waste?

Me:  I think they flush it down the toilet.

Him:  What do they do with the nuclear waste?

Me:  I don't know.

Him:  If you found out that they had plans to bury it in your backyard,
would you:

A. Be angry
B. Be concerned
C. Not be concerned
D. Be "OK" with it.

Me:  If they buried it in my backyard they'd have to be pretty sneaky
because someone is here most of the time and one of us would see them.
Well what do you know!  Supper is ready!  I have to go!  Bye!

I had my fun and hung up.  How simple can you get?  Thinking that this
was the end of my dealings with the United Independent Universal
Environmental Awareness Group, I ate my dinner and had a relaxing and
enjoyable evening.  However, my path would cross that of the United
Independent Universal Environmental Awareness Group again in the near
future.

The next evening the phone rang again.  Guess who?  The conversation
went something like this:

Me:  Hello?

Him:  This is Rodney at the United Independent Universal Environmental
Awareness Group.  How are you this evening sir?

Me:  I'm fine.  Didn't y'all call me yesterday?

Him:  Yes sir we did and that's why I'm calling this evening.  I'd like
to ask you a few questions about the questionnaire you took yesterday.
Is that OK?

Me:  Well, I'm right in the middle of sorting my paperclips right now
and I have an 8pm deadline to cut my toenails.

Him:  This will only take a minute.

Me:  I'll start the clock.

Him:  OK sir, was our representative courteous in his presentation of
the questions.

Me:  What are my choices?

Him:  Choices?

Me:  Well, the guy I talked to yesterday gave me choices to pick from.

Him:  Oh, I see.  Well just give me you best recollection.

Me:  I have a lot of them.  It's difficult to pick just one
recollection.

Him:  I was referring to last night.

Me:  Oh!  OK!  Dinner was great!

Him:  Very funny sir.  You have quite the sense of humor.  Haha!  Was
the person you talked with last night nice to you?

Me:  No choices huh?

Him:  Haha!  No choices.

Me:  I would say he was mostly nice.

Him:  Did you have any trouble understanding the way he presented the
questions.

Me:  No but some of the questions were confusing.

Him:  So the way he presented the questions confused you?

Me:  No, I understood the way, it was the questions that confused me.

Him:  I don't understand.

Me:  If I were to ask how do you feel about the way you don't
understand, would you answer:

A. I don't have a clue at all
B. I mostly don't have a clue
C. I somewhat don't have a clue
D. I don't know what a clue is.

Him:  (click)

© 1999 Peter Langston