Fun_People Archive
19 Apr
Noah and The Big Gigmeister

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 99 12:50:47 -0700
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Subject: Noah and The Big Gigmeister

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	Noah and The Big Gigmeister

And so in the dark of night the Lord awoke Noah, and spoke to him.

"Noah, awake and heed my words!"

And Noah, being sore afraid and disoriented, did cry out, "Who goeth there?"

And the Lord did smite him upside the head, saying, "It is the Lord of all
things, dummy!"

And Noah did tremble, saying, "Lord, why hath thou wakened me?"

And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a Jobbing Band.

"For the earth will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days
of Trade Shows and forty nights of Awards Banquets."

And Noah did say, "Command me, Lord."

And the Lord did say, "First, thou must find me a Leader."

And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not be thy Leader?"

And the Lord did smite him again, saying, "Fool, thou will be my Contractor.
Ask not why!"

And Noah did bow his head, saying, "Yes, my Lord. And what will this Leader
play?"

And the Lord said, "It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or whether
he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to talk to the
Brides and their Mothers, and to deal with Clients, and to count off Tempos
wrong, and to inquire as to whether Overtime will happen, and to try to
segue tunes that should not be segued.  If he playeth any instrument, thou
must always have another player of that instrument on the band, just to be
safe."

And Noah did say, "And what else shall this Leader do?"

And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread Bad Information and

Confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit them one against the other, and
to delay all payments.

"Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a Soundman, to create
Feedback, and to invent new Equalization Curves therefore."

And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, thy ways are Strange
and Mysterious. What more shall I do?"

And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section.

"First, find me a Drummer. And Three Things above all must this Drummer
possess."

And Noah did ask, "What are these Three Things? Double Bass Drums? An
Electronic Kit? Congas?"

And the Lord did smite Noah again, saying "Second-guess me not, my servant.

First, this Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he
playeth a Fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different
place, sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou may not guess which.

"And second, he must be Supremely Discontent, always hoping for the Big
Break which will lead to him playing with Chick Corea or Madonna, so that
he despiseth Jobbing.

"And third, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness, in all things,
including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so that he argueth always with the
Bass Player."

And Noah did say, "As you command, Lord. And what next?"

And the Lord did say, "Thou art learning, Noah. Next shall be the Bass
Player. And he shall be Bored. That is all."

And Noah did say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?"

"Next shall be the Piano Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty
fingers, and he shall ply Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may name
the Chord, and he will not be helpful.

"Furthermore, he shall always be Late. And he shall always be trying out
New Gear, of which he has no knowledge."

And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy Wisdom!"

"Next shall be the Guitar Player. And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player.
And he shall be Loud, and he shall sing 'Old Time Rock n' Roll'. "Also shall
he know not The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which have been
damaged by exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels.   For the Guitarists who
Read shall already be playing Shows, and will be making the Big Shekels.

"And his tux shall be the Rattiest."

And Noah did say, "It shall be done."

And the Lord did say, "Next thou shall need Horns.

"First shall be the Saxophones. And they shall be Beboppers.  And they shall
play their Bird Quotes in every song, yea, even the Celine Dion ballad.
And they shall Get High on every break, and make the Long Faces all night
long, but especially when 'In The Mood' is called.

"Next shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt to take
everything Up an Octave, and fail frequently. And of Changes they shall know
nothing.

"And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be made about
him, for he will have a Beeper, as well as a Day Job, and he will be the
first to be Cut from the Band."

And Noah, taking many notes, did say, "Mighty is the Lord!"

"Next shall be the String Players. Find me Three Women, and attach Pickups
to their Violins that are more ancient even than Myself, so that their
instruments screecheth and causeth great pain.

"And their job shall be to dress in Evening Gowns, and to Fake Parts on all
Ballads, and to occasionally Stroll, and to complain about the Volume, and
the Intonation, and to impede the Swing."

And Noah did say, "What else can be left, Lord?"

And the Lord did say, "Finally, find me the Singers.

"And they shall be Three, one a Male, and two Females.

"And the Male shall be a Strutting Peacock, with the Rock 'N Roll Hair, and
he shall never have to wear The Tuxedo, and also shall he play The
Harmonica.

"And of the Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White.  And the
Black one shall ALWAYS sing the Aretha songs, and the Disco. "And the White
one shall ALWAYS sing the Power Ballads, and the Country Songs. "But both
shall share the Motown Medley, and shall sing Backup for the Male, and
forget the Words, and be Late, and know nothing of Keys or Form.  And they
shall leave every gig immediately, having never touched a piece of
Equipment.

"And they shall be paid many more shekels than the Sidemen. Ask not why."

And Noah did say, "As Thou sayest, my Lord."

And the Lord did command him, "Search high and low for these, as not every
musician can fulfill these requirements. And though we have No Work yet, a
Committment must be secured from All.  And while you're at it,start looking
for Subs."

And Noah did say, "Lord, thy will be done."

And it was.

© 1999 Peter Langston