Fun_People Archive
9 Feb
Further Senate Action

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue,  9 Feb 99 15:44:14 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Further Senate Action

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649

[                 *** Fun_Naughtiness Alert! ***
 There are naughty words and naughty concepts in the following Fun_Item.
 If you don't like reading naughty (i.e. salacious, sexually explicit)
 writing, even if it's humorous, then you may not like reading this...
--psl]

Forwarded-by: Kevin Maguire <kmaguire@mail1.jpl.nasa.gov>
[Forwards under the desk]
----------------------------------------------------------------------



3 February, 1999  Lewinsky Subpoenaed to Re-Blow President on Senate Floor
'We Must Know Exactly What Happened,' Say Legislators

WASHINGTON, DC

On the heels of last week's decision to allow witness testimony in the
presidential impeachment trial, key witness Monica Lewinsky was subpoenaed
Monday to re-blow President Clinton on the Senate floor.

The controversial re-fellating, which, under the terms of the court order,
will involve the full participation of both Lewinsky and the president, was
described by Senate leaders as a "regrettable but unfortunately very
necessary" move.

"This trial is not about sex, it's about perjury," Senate Majority Leader
Trent Lott (R-MS) said. "Our job is to determine whether or not the
president lied under oath. Although the Starr Report contained many detailed
descriptions, until we see for ourselves, with our own eyes, exactly what
took place during these secret rendezvous between the president and Miss
Lewinsky, we won't have all the facts necessary to determine if the
president's statements before the grand jury constituted a crime."

In addition to fellatio, Lewinsky and Clinton will be required to reenact
several other key sex acts in which the pair allegedly engaged, including
but not limited to: deep or "French" kissing, under-the-sweater fondling,
and vaginal penetration with various objects.

Responding to outraged Clinton defense lawyers, who denounced the
reenactment as "a blatant attempt on the part of political enemies of this
administration to humiliate the president," chief prosecutor Rep. Henry Hyde
(R-IL) insisted that it is necessary to ensure a fair trial.

"How can we rule objectively in this case without all the details? Yes, we
know that the president inserted a cigar into Miss Lewinsky's vagina, but
just how many inches of it did he manage to work all the way up inside
there?" Hyde asked. "What were their exact facial expressions at key moments
of ecstatic release? To what extent did Miss Lewinsky's ample bosom bounce
to and fro as she vigorously bobbed her head up and down? Precisely how much
of the president's erect penis was Miss Lewinsky physically able to force
deep into the back of her throat? Was there gagging involved? Were the
president's balls, at any point in the proceedings, licked? If we do not
explore every possible detail of these shocking improprieties, we will never
know the answers to these vital questions of national security."

"If President Clinton has any respect for the Constitution and the citizens
of this nation," Hyde added, "he will cooperate fully in these proceedings
and allow himself to be sucked off with calm, reserved dignity, without
resorting to partisan name-calling. Nothing less than the very future of
our country is at stake."

More controversy is expected Friday, when Senate debate is scheduled to
begin on the issue of whether the crucial cocksuckings will be televised.
Though Clinton defense lawyers are fighting to have the reenactments
performed in a closed-door session, most senators are demanding that they
be included in the regular televised broadcasts of the trial, citing the
imperative of the public's "right to know."

"If, as the president says, he is innocent of perjury, with nothing to hide,
he should have no reason to fear providing full disclosure--including full
frontal nudity, if necessary--before the American people," Sen. Phil Gramm
(R-TX) said. "As elected officials, we have taken a solemn oath to serve
the interests of those we represent. If we fail to provide the public with
the whole truth--no matter how sordid, depraved, perverse or even
vicariously titillating it may be--we have failed in our duty to the people
of this nation."

In the event that television cameras are allowed, as is expected, complete
coverage of the presidential fellating, as well as related "second-" and
"third-base" sex acts, will be aired live on C-SPAN. Highlight footage of
particularly critical segments, such as genital/anal contact and
ejaculation, will also be broadcast on all the prime-time network newscasts.

Due to the enormous public interest in the scandal, as well as the ease of
global dissemination via television and the Internet, footage of the
Senate-floor coupling is expected to rank among the most widely seen in
history, with near-constant re-airings on cable TV likely to last well
beyond the year 2015. Many Americans are expressing alarm over such a
prospect.

"How am I supposed to explain to my six-year-old daughter that the president
is fucking some girl's mouth on TV?" asked Lorraine Sanders, associate
director of the What About The Children? Foundation and a staunch
presidential-penis-penetration opponent. "For God's sake, she's only a
child.  An innocent child!"

"This trial is not the sort of thing our kids should be exposed to," said
concerned parent Judith LaFleur, who is leading a campaign to place
content-warning labels on federal legislators. "Watching the president get
his cock feverishly sucked is for mature, responsible adults only."

Despite the public outcry, those legislators who are demanding the
re-blowings remain adamant that the proceedings be televised uncensored and
in their entirety, calling it "a matter of ethics."

"This may be the most important issue ever faced by Congress in its 210-year
history," Hyde said. "We are talking about the possible removal of the
highest elected official in the land, and that is not the sort of matter
that should be trivialized."

© 1999 Peter Langston