Fun_People Archive
31 Jan
Wake Up Call

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sun, 31 Jan 99 11:58:55 -0800
To: Fun_People
Precedence: bulk
Subject: Wake Up Call

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: Sebastian Banker
<forwards fed to the Tamagochis>

[The really intense events leading up to Armageddon are supposed to take
years to play out. Here is a more fast-paced version.]

8:00AM- Rapture: Doors of Heaven open; earth's righteous begin to rise to
paradise. Dan Quayle briefly hovers five inches above the floor, then
collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!"

8:02AM-Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky.

8:13AM-Taco Bell chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is
the Antichrist. Then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy
eyes and people find him irresistible anyway.

9:04AM-Global economy collapses-except in case of Dilbert products, which
continue to sell briskly.

9:45AM-All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously.

10:40AM-Abyss opens, releasing foreboding cloud of black smoke and plague
of disgusting flavored sports drinks.  Oceans and lakes turn to blood.

11:32AM-In emergency arbitration, Miller Lite is declared "less filling".

11:47AM-Sun becomes black as "sackcloth of hair", Moon becomes as blood.

12:00 NOON-Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray
tables to their upright and locked positions."

12:03PM-Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping evil off
as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush.

1:11PM-Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh.

2:46PM-Rampaging looters are surprised by the softer side of Sears.

3:18PM-Saddam Hussein take Kuwait again; U.S.  issues a statement formally
not giving a damn.

3:21PM-Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants
and elderly.

4:56PM-Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service.

5:20PM-Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts.

6:12PM-the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts
dating Baby Spice.

7:16PM-Jewel dies quietly on the toilet.

9:27PM-God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass.

10:00PM-Todays winning Lotto numbers are announced. Congrats, you won!!!!

10:42PM-Shari Lewis' head suddenly appears in place of left hand of Lamb.

11:30PM-God finally answers all the big questions (e.g., is it ever OK to
break up over the phone?).

12:00MIDNIGHT-Tied in the World Series, Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs meet
in the seventh game, and-with two out and the score tied in the bottom of
the ninth-the world blows up.

12:03AM-In deepest space, fleshy shreds of The Artist Formerly Known as
Prince rename themselves "Susan."

© 1999 Peter Langston