Fun_People Archive
26 Jan
Things NEVER Said in Theatre

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 99 13:02:49 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Things NEVER Said in Theatre

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Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>

	Things that are just never said in theatre

	By the stage manager:

It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal
Take your time getting back from break.
We've been ready for hours
No, I called that perfectly the first time- let's move on.
The headsets are working perfectly.
The cue lights are working perfectly.
The orchestra has no complaints.
The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
That didn't take long.
No thanks I don't drink.

	By the producer:

Of course there's enough money to go around.
We have money left over.
No thanks, I don't drink.

	By the director:

Wow, the designers were right on, weren't they?
No, today is the tech rehearsal, we'll  re-work that scene later.
I think the scene changes are too fast.
Of course I think that we'll be ready in time for opening.
The crew? Why they're just wonderful!
No thanks, I don't drink.

	By the designers:

Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.
Yes, it is absolutely my fault the set looks awful.
You know, you might have a point there.
The director knows best, obviously I wasn't giving him what he wants.
We have too many gel colors in stock, I can't choose.
Of course the shop will have the costumes ready on time.
No thanks, I don't drink.

	By the technical director:

This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I've ever seen.
We built it right the first time.
No problem, I'll deal with that right away.
I love designers.
No thanks, I don't drink.

	By the actors:

Don't.....Let's not talk about me.
Really, I think my big scene should be cut.
This costume is SO comfortable.
I love my shoes.
No problem. I can do that for myself.
I have a fantastic agent.
Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
I'm sure someone told me there was a wall here, I just forgot.
Without the crew the show would never run; let's thank them.
No thanks, I don't drink.

	By the stage crew:

That instrument is not in the way.
There's room for that over here.
We'll get in early tomorrow to do it.
No, no I'm sure that is our job.
Anything I can do to help?
All the tools are carefully locked away.
Can we do that scene change again please?
It's a marvelous show.
I don't need this many on the crew.
No thanks, I don't drink.

	By the orchestra members:

Wow, the strings and the woodwinds are perfectly in tune.
The saxophones are fine. In fact they could play louder.
This is fine. I have plenty of room.
These chairs are amazingly comfortable.
This stand light is great. I can see the music perfectly.
What a terrific conductor...so clear...so easy to follow.
I like sitting in front of the brass section. Then I can properly hear
    everything they are playing.
The air in this orchestra pit is so refreshing.
We don't need a break now. Let's keep playing until we finish this act so we
    can keep the flow going, and save time in the long run.
What a super tap-dancer. The tempos are rock solid.
What a great cast, all able to act and sing so well too!
No thanks, I don't drink.

© 1999 Peter Langston