Fun_People Archive
25 Jan
Advice for the pregnant couple.

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 99 12:19:18 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Advice for the pregnant couple.

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Advice for the Pregnant Couple:

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers
   rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear
   anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative.
   What if my  baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will
   be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact
   about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and
   genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose
   as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my
   feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during
   pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to
   bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.
   Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
   borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dipshit?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring
   on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and
   a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
   labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
   wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see
   me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers,
   florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra.  It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and
   puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global
   chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
   normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

© 1999 Peter Langston