Fun_People Archive
22 Jan
Silly JsOTD - 1/22/99

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 99 12:01:44 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Silly JsOTD - 1/22/99

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
http://www.eds-jokelist.com

--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
"Barnum was wrong - it's more like every 30 seconds."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
    Saint Peter was at the Pearly Gates when three people arrived. The first
one comes up to St. Peter, and St. Peter asks "What did you die of?" The
man replies "I died of the big 'C'." St. Peter says, "The big 'C'? What's
that?" The man replies "Cancer. It ate me up alive." St. Peter says "You
poor soul. Go right on in."
    The next man walks up to Saint Peter and Saint Peter asks "What did you
die of?" The man replies "I died of the big 'H'." Saint Peter asks "The big
'H'? What's the big 'H'?" The man says "Heart attack. I was playing with my
kids when my heart gave out, and here I am." Saint Peter says "You poor
soul. Go right on in."
    The third person walks up to Saint Peter. This person is dressed like
a street walker. Saint Peter asks "What did you die of?" The girl replies
"I died of the big 'G'." Saint Peter asks "The big 'G'? I've never heard of
the big 'G'." She says "That's the big 'G' for Gonorrhea." Saint Peter
replies "Gonorrhea? No one dies of gonorrhea anymore!" The girl replies "You
do if you give it to Big Al!"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
I think one reason that Ally McBeal is so popular is that she is a hot-
looking babesicle who wears shorts skirts that show her gams all the way up
to heaven.  But that's just one man's disinterested opinion.
    --Jim  Rosenberg
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
    A man is feeling ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed
to hospital to undergo tests.  The man wakes up after the tests in a private
hospital room, and the phone by his bed rings.
    "This is your doctor.  We've had the results back from your tests and
we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called GASH.  It's a combination
of Gonnareah, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
    "My gosh, doctor!  What are you going to do?"
    "We're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
    "Will that cure me?"
    "Well, no, but it WILL fit under the door."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
    A little old Jewish lady is flying out of New York City on her way to
Miami Beach.  She looks at the businessman sitting next to her and asks him,
"Excuse me sir, but are you Jewish?"  The man responds politely, "No, ma'am,
I'm not Jewish."
    After a little while she again queries him, "You're really Jewish,
aren't you?"  Again he responds, "No ma'am, I am not Jewish."
    Barely 10 minutes later, the little old lady asks him once more, "Are
you sure you're not Jewish?"  To which in exasperation, and in a final
effort to shut her up, he replies, "Okay. Yes, ma'am, I am Jewish."
    "Funny," she says, looking puzzled, "you don't look Jewish!"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
A wise man once told me, "Violence is not the answer."  But if the question
is "how do I get wise men to mind their own business?" then I think violence
may be the answer.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
When someone tells you "The best things in life are free," it means one of
two things: either they're a liar or... well, I guess it only means one
thing.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
    Following Thomson's physical, Dr. Munro sent his patient a bill. When
a month went by without a remittance, Dr. Munro sent another bill, and
then another, and then a fourth, but to no avail. Finally he sent Thomson
a pathetic letter, claiming desperately strained circumstances and enclosing
a shot of his infant daughter. On the back of the snapshot he wrote, "The
reason I need the money you owe me!"
    Barely a week later a response from Thomson arrived in the mail. Munro
ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a gorgeous
woman in a mink coat. On the back of the photograph the patient had
scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
To the people who leave their carts in the check-out line while running to
get an item they forgot: It's me who puts the extra items in there.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
    In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign
directly above the sink. It had a single word on it --
	"THINK!"
    The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and
right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully
lettered another sign which read --
	"THOAP!"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
Can you believe how many award shows they have now?  They even have awards
for commercials--The Cleo Awards--a whole show full of commercials.  I taped
it and then fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did
you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know"! It costs 90 cents
to call up and vote, and they're voting "I don't know!" "Honey, I feel very
strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) "I don't know!" (hangs
up, looking proud).  Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe
you're not sure about!"  This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for
$2.95:  (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"Was he successful?"
"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
    Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.
I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love!' Beeeep!"
    "Uh, yeah . . . this is the VD clinic calling.  Speaking of positive,
your test is back. Stop sharing the love!"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
Warning: Do not contact your senator. Jury tampering is a felony.
	--- The Vent
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
Minnesota's new state motto: "Our governor can whip your governor."
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
Banks keep going out of their way to give me credit.
For that, I'm deeply indebted.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed
into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are
you seriously hurt?"  "How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a
lawyer!"
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.  Then
I noticed women were coming up to me "(sniff) Married!" That's how they mark
their territory!  You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April
fresh scent out of your clothes.
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there.  Very wholesome.  They
use words like "Cripes!"  For Cripe's sake!  Who would that be, Jesus
Cripes? The son of "Gosh?" of the church of "Holy Moly"!  I'm not making
fun of it. You think I wanna burn in "Heck"?
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
"Ask not what your country can do for you -- ask what you can do for your
country."  Nah, I think I rather ask what my country can do for me.  Maybe
France, too.
	-- Jennifer Ritzinger
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
Fools rush in wherever lottery tickets are sold.

© 1999 Peter Langston