Fun_People Archive
12 Jan
The Y2K Scapegoat is Chosen!

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 12 Jan 99 11:59:31 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: The Y2K Scapegoat is Chosen!

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
From: Marc Abrahams <marca@chem2.harvard.edu>

PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE
================================================================
mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR")
Issue Number 1999-01
January, 1999
ISSN 1076-500X
Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the
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A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in
Annals of Improbable Research (AIR),
the journal of inflated research and personalities
================================================================

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1999-01-05	[Y2K Scapegoat, part 1] The Voters Have Spoken

Together we have solved the Y2K problem.
	Last month we asked you to tell us who is to blame for the
Y2K problem. You did. As promised, the winner will be designated
"The Person Responsible for the Y2K Problem." This individual will
be tortured and executed on January 1, 2000, and again on January
1, 2001. The festivities will be televised live on every broadcast
network, and on the Internet (Y2K bug permitting).
	And the winner is...


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1999-01-06	[Y2K Scapegoat, part 2] All Hail the Winner

The two leading vote-getters, overwhelming the rest of the field,
were BILL GATES and JESUS.
	For days, partisans of each man lobbied hard for their
champions. Several people voted for both BILL AND JESUS, though in
almost every one of those cases BILL was specified as their first
choice. From start to finish, BILL displayed the tenacity and
stamina for which he is noted, ultimately pulling far ahead and
winning in a cake walk.
	So congratulations to the winner, BILL GATES. We suggest
that you send your personal good wishes directly to him.


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1999-01-07	Simple Query

Our role in the Y2K Scapegoat Voting has been that of idealistic,
sheltered researchers whose knowledge and interest is confined to
the ideal realm of our ivory tower. However, simple human
curiosity prompts us to ask: Who is this fellow Gates who is
garnering so much attention? Perhaps some kind mini-AIR reader can
enlighten us.

And now back to our political analysis...


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1999-01-08	[Y2K Scapegoat, part 3] Analysis of the Vote

The Y2K Scapegoat voting patterns paint a strange, but possibly
true picture of the electorate at this truly, impossibly strange
moment in history.

BILL GATES voters were highly and monopolistically opinionated.
Two examples:
	"I think it's also possible to hold him responsible for
every miserable thing that's ever happened anywhere or anytime."
[Rita Mcgurk]
	"Whether he's guilty or not, he's far too rich and geeky for
my taste. The world would be a better place without him. Can I get
his money, please?" [Michelle Klix]

JESUS voters tended to be much less passionate. Voter Jeff Epler's
comment exemplifies their tone::
	"His nomination has other redeeming factors. If we're wrong,
he's likely to forgive us, and of all those nominated he's the
most likely to be available for a second killing in the following
calendar year."

The second tier of candidates, far below the leaders, was
comprised of computational and/or calendrical experts:
	GRACE MURRAY HOPPER
	CHARLES BABBAGE and ADA, COUNTESS LOVELACE
	POPE GREGORY XIII
	DIONYSIUS  EXIGUUS
Voter Joel Brown commented of POPE GREGORY: "He could easily have
decreed that we all use a four digit year when referring to his
calendar. The problem would have been fixed in 1582."

The third tier was comprised of KEN STARR.

The rest of the field was a many and varied lot. Voters explained
that these people are not responsible for the Y2K problem, but
that they probably:
	(a) deserve blame for *something* or
	(b) are qualified, by long experience, to receive blame for
almost anything.
	Here, listed in alphabetical order, are the most popular of
the distant also-rans:
	JULIUS CAESAR, ARTHUR C. CLARKE, BILL CLINTON,
	FELIX DHZERZINSKI, BARNEY THE DINOSAUR, STEPHEN J.
	GOULD, SADDAM HUSSEIN, KAISER WILHELM,
	MONICA LEWINSKI, BARRY MANILOW, MARY, ROSS PEROT,
	SATAN, MARTHA STEWART, LINDA TRIPP.

Voter Susan Hauser blamed "The ancient Arabs. They came up with
that pesky notion of a 'zero.' If we were using Roman Numerals
we'd still be blissfully plugging along."


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1999-01-09	[Y2K Scapegoat, part 4] Startling Revelations

And finally, a number of voters offered startling revelations:

	"I am to blame for the Y2K problem.  And I'm very, very
sorry." [Clark Thompson, Programmer/Analyst, UCLA Library]
	"Sorry. That would be me. I'm responsible. I apologize."
[Chris Holmes]
	"I realize that at 22 years old, there is no possible way I
was around to originally introduce the Y2K bug. However, my self-
esteem is low enough to accept the blame for the potential
destruction of our modern-day technological society. Whether I win
or lose, I realize that it is an honor just to be nominated."
[Vincent C. Marcus III]
	"Edward L. Mendota. I don't know much more about him, except
that he recently gave up smoking, but I think he has a web page
somewhere." [Tim Mallory]
	"I nominate Yong Tok from Rochester MN, USA. I tracked him
down scientifically and methodically (I made 10 stabs at searching
Yahoo people search). The name alone (Y. ToK) is the obvious give-
away." [Steve Johnson]


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(c) copyright 1999, Annals of Improbable Research
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mini-AIRheads
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EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@chem2.harvard.edu)
MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last
few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson <wendy@posh.com>
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AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon
Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts
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