Fun_People Archive
24 Nov
Broadway for Musicians

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 98 23:56:46 -0800
To: Fun_People
Precedence: bulk
Subject: Broadway for Musicians

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649

[I'm still out of town, but I wanted to let everyone know that the lack of
 Fun_Mail is due to my being out of town, not problems with people's
 subscriptions.  And while I'm at it, I thought I could sneak a Fun_Item in.
 You can expect the regular barrage of Fun_Mail to recommence after 12/8/98...
-psl]

Forwarded-by: "Jack Doyle" <whiteh2o@hotmail.com>
Forwarded-by: Kevin Johnsrude <kevinj@roguewave.com>
Forwarded-by: "Thomas J. Ossowski" <tjo4466@mailer.fsu.edu>

ATTENTION MUSICIANS:   The following is a glossary of Cabaret/Broadway words
and phrases that have been translated into standard musician language:

"5,6,7,8"-------------really means: "1,2,3,4"

Jazz 4 feeling--------really means: bass walks in 4 but drums remain in 2

Latin feel------------means: play a lot of percussion instruments with no
                      groove

Undulating------------means: quarter note equals between 75 and 115

"Give me something shimmering"----means: play the mark tree

Push it---------------really means: rush

Pull back-------------means: drag

Fabulous--------------means: the shit sounds real good

Really hot!-----------means: the shit is swinging

"I need it bigger"----means: play it loud and with no taste

Backphrasing----------means: someone will be singing out of time

More European---------means: hire an accordian player

Half hour-------------means: you have 30 minutes to get high before the gig
                      starts

English show----------term used to identify an extremely pretentious
                      broadway musical written by a very lucky British guy

Musical director------No-time, non-blues-playin' rehearsal pianist who
                      probably sleeps with one of the producers

Associate conductor---No-time, non-blues-playin' rehearsal pianist who
                      probably sleeps with the musical director

Choreographer---------Person who sleeps with the musical director, producer,
                      director, and some members of the cast (also arranges
                      dance routines)

Broadway star---------High strung, self-involved, over-paid, minimal talent
                      singer-dancer type who loves Judy Garland and Bob Fosse

Chorus----------------aggregation of singer-dancer types who would love to
                      be Broadway stars

Dance captain---------military term used for a cat who yells: "5,6,7,8" at
                      the chorus

Stage manager---------uptight control freak that wears a Janet Jackson-type
                      headset

Notes-----------------a list of complaints given after a performance by a
		      broadway star, stage manager, dance captain or anyone
		      else who has no life outside of the theater

House manager---------out of work actor/actress who tells the maintenance
                      man when to turn on the air conditioner in the theater

Sound designer--------deaf Neanderthal who owns at least two microphones

Lighting designer-----blind Cro-Magnon who owns at least two light bulbs

Musical contractor----man who owns a musical instrument and calls the show
                      "his"

Bus and truck--------a bunch of people willing to play anywhere for shitty
                     money

Show jacket----------cheap embarrassing outerwear identifying you as an
                     asshole that just loves the theater

SOME TERMS THAT YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO USE IN THE THEATER
 groove, swing, back-beat, improvise, follow the conductor, steady time,
 Sinatra-like, Basie ending, play in four, subtle, Afro-Cuban

FOR YOUR INFORMATION: In the theater, the names Judy, Liza, Barbra, and
 Michael Crawford are roughly equal in stature to: Billie, Ella, Sarah, and
 Joe Williams.  Jerry Herman, Fred Ebb, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and Stephen
 Sondheim are equivalent to: Woody Herman, Wayne Shorter, Eddie "Lockjaw"
 Davis, and Benny Golson

© 1998 Peter Langston