Fun_People Archive
13 Oct
A little late for the Holidays

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 98 12:41:45 -0700
To: Fun_People
Precedence: bulk
Subject: A little late for the Holidays

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
[Better late than never. (I know at least one of these has been on
 Fun_People before, but they go together so well...)  -psl]

Forwarded-by: Douglas Gladstone <dglad@ix.netcom.com>
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Two Jewish men are sitting in a deli in New York's garment district.  A
Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent Yiddish asks if everything is okay,
can he get them anything, and so forth.  The Jewish men are dumbfounded.
"Where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they ask the deli's owner.  The
owner whispers so that no one else will hear: "Shhhh, He thinks we're
teaching him English."
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    An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family - wife,
children, grandchildren - came to see him but only one was allowed in the
room at a time.  Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grampa Moishe.  Can I
do something for you?"  "Yes," said Grampa Moishe.  Go tell Gramma Sadie I
want some of her chopped liver.
    Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said,  "Go tell Grampa Moishe he
can't have any chopped liver.  It would kill him."
    Ben went back in and reported.  "You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped
liver.  I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference."
    Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't
have any.  The chopped liver is for the shiva."
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    A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been
given a part in the school play.  "Wonderful," says his mother, "What part
is it?"  The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"  The mother
scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!"
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    Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists invades the shul and
takes the rabbi, the cantor, and the shul president hostage.  Hours later,
the governor stands tough, he won't give them a million dollars, nor a
getaway car nor a Jumbo Jet.  The terrorists gather the three hostages in
a corner and inform them that things look bad and they're going to have to
shoot them.  Nevertheless, to show that they're not really a bad bunch,
they'll grant each hostage one wish.

    "Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on
my Rosh Hashana Sermon.  What a waste to die now without having carried it
before an audience.  I'll go happilly if you let me recite my sermon.  It's
an hour - ninety minutes long, tops." They promise to grant him the wish.

    "Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the
'Hinneni' prayer just right.  What a waste to die and not sing it to an
audience.  It's only about 45 minutes long or so - then I'll go happily."

    The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish too and they turn
to the shul president.  "Please," says the president with tears in his eyes,
"Shoot me first!"
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Q: What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?
A: Eventually the Rottweiler lets go.
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When Life Begins

There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins.  In
Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until
after graduation from medical school
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    A man calls his mother in Florida: "How are you doing?" he asks.  "Not
good," she answers. "I'm very weak." "Why are you so weak?" he asks.
"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." "Why not?" he asks.  "Because I didn't
want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."
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© 1998 Peter Langston