Fun_People Archive
4 Oct
Press Release from Hell

Content-Type: text/plain
Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 3.3 v118.2)
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sun,  4 Oct 98 15:48:32 -0700
To: Fun_People
Precedence: bulk
Subject: Press Release from Hell
References: <199810041922.MAA05477@pnn.com>

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: Barbara Millikan <millikan@pnn.com>

CITY OF DIS, NETHER HELL--After nearly four years of construction at an
estimated cost of 750 million souls, Corpadverticus, the new 10th circle of
Hell, finally opened its doors Monday.

The Blockbuster Video-sponsored circle, located in Nether Hell between the
former eighth and ninth levels of Malebolge and Cocytus, is expected to
greatly alleviate the overcrowding problems that have plagued the infernal
underworld in recent years. The circle is the first added to Hell in its
countless-millennia history.

"A nightmarishly large glut of condemned spirits in recent years
necessitated the expansion of Hell," inferno spokesperson Antedeus said.
"The traditional nine-tiered system had grown insufficient to accommodate
the exponentially rising numbers of Hellbound."

Adding to the need for expansion, Antedeus said, was the fact that a
majority of the new arrivals possessed souls far more evil than the original
nine circles were equipped to handle. "Demographers, advertising executives,
tobacco lobbyists, monopoly-law experts retained by major corporations, and
creators of office-based sitcoms--these new arrivals represent a wave of
spiritual decay and horror the likes of which Hell has never before seen,"
Antedeus said.

Despite the need for expansion, the plan faced considerable resistance,
largely due to the considerable costs of insuring construction projects
within the Kingdom Of Lies. Opposition also came from Hell purists concerned
about the detrimental effect a tenth level would have on the intricate
numerology of Hell's meticulously arranged allegorical structure.  In 1994,
however, funding was finally secured in a deal brokered between Blockbuster
CEO Wayne Huizenga and Satan himself.

Prior to the construction of the tenth circle, many among the new wave of
sinners had been placed in such circles as Hoarders and Squanderers, Sowers
of Discord, Flatterers and Seducers, Violent Against Art, and Hypocrites.
Hell authorities, however, say that the new level, the Circle of Total
Bastards, located at the site of the former Well of Giants just above the
Frozen Lake at Hell's center, better suits their insidious brand of evil.

Frigax The Vile, a leading demonic presence, is one of the most vocal
supporters of the new circle.

"In the past, the underworld was ill-equipped to handle the new breed of
sinners flooding our gates--downsizing CEOs, focus-group coordinators,
telemarketing sales representatives, and vast hordes of pony-tailed
entertainment-industry executives rollerblading and talking on miniaturized
cell-phones at the same time. But now, we've finally got the sort of
top-notch Pits of Doom necessary to give such repellent abominations the
quality boilings they deserve."

Pausing to tear off the limbs of an Access Hollywood host, Frigax added,
"We're all tremendously excited about the many brand-new forms of torture
and eternal pain this new level's state-of-the-art facilities will make
possible."

Among the tortures the Corpadverticus Circle of Total Bastards boasts: the
Never-Ending Drive-Thru Bank, the Bottomless Pit of Promotional Tie-In
Keychains, and the dreaded Chamber of Emotionally Manipulative Home Shopping
Network Products.

The Circle also features a Hall of Aerobics, where condemned
TV-exercise-show personalities, clad in skin-tight Spandex outfits soaked
in flesh-dissolving acid, are forced to exercise for centuries on end,
covered in vomit and prodded with the distended ribs of skeletal, anorexic
demons, accompanied by an unending, ear-splittingly loud dance-remix version
of the 1988 Rick Astley hit "Together Forever."

In a nearby area, corporate raiders are forced to carry the golf clubs of
uneducated Hispanic migrant workers from hole to hole for eternity,
withering under a constant barrage of verbal abuse from their former
subservients as crows descend from trees to peck at their eyes. In one of
the deepest and most profane portions of the circle, unspeakable acts are
said to be committed with a mail-order Roly-Kit.

"In life, I was a Salomon Brothers investment banker," one flame-blackened
shade told reporters. "When I arrived here, they didn't know what to do with
me. They put me in with those condemned to walk backwards with their heads
turned all the way around on their necks, for the crime of attempting to
see the future. But then I sent a couple of fruit baskets to the right
people, and in no time flat, I secured a cushy spot for myself in the first
circle of the Virtuous Unbaptized. Now that was a sweet deal. But before
long, they caught on to my game and transferred me here to the realm of
Total Bastards.  I've been shrieking for goddamn mercy ever since."

His face contorted in the Misery of the Damned, a Disney lawyer said: "It's
hell here--there are no executive lounges, I can't get any decent risotto,
and the suit I have to wear is a cheap Brooks Brothers knock-off.  I'm
beeped every 30 seconds, and there's no way to return the calls. Plus, I'm
being boiled upside down in lard while jackals gnaw at the soles of my feet.
If I could just reach the fax machine on that nearby rock, I could contact
some well-placed associates and work something out, but it's just out of my
grasp, and it's out of ink and constantly blinking the message, 'Replace
Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge.'"

He then resumed screaming in agony.

Grogar The Malefic, a Captain in Hell's elite Demon Corps and supervisor in
charge of admissions for the new circle, said Hell's future looks bright,
thanks to the new circle.

"Things are definitely looking up," Grogar said. "We're now far better
equipped, and we're ready to take on the most Unholy Atrocities humanity
has to offer."

"We're really on the grow down here," Grogar added. "This is an exciting
time to be in Hell."
prev [=] prev © 1998 Peter Langston []