Fun_People Archive
13 Jul
Win98 - The "Read Me First"

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 13 Jul 98 14:57:45 -0700
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Win98 - The "Read Me First"

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
 Forwarded-by: /nev/dull@cats.ucsc.edu
 Forwarded-by: booloo@cats.ucsc.edu (Mark Boolootian)
 Forwarded-by: the "Read Me First" notice included with WIndows98:

Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of
the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.

Before using your new software, please take the time to read these
instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the
limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological
improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c).
You'll notice immediately that "98" is a higher number than "95," a better
than 3 percent increase.  But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many
features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating
system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and
retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space
functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an
easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink
wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (c) offers superior
compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that
you'll never use another company's software again.

Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft
Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you
may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers
you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's
the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer,
or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part
of the Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer
is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon,
and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?"
Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different
ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge
to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded.
You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs
out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become
disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with
other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft
Explorer will automatically be re-installed- permanently.

Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000"
computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as
a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for
1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit
number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating
system until the year 10000.

However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has
prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar.
Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as
"Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called
"Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the time to complete the online
registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify
the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none
of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number,
bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared
with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare
partner.

We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as
possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with
you software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded
instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is
closed for the entire month of Bill.)

If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly,
and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice
Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your
hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want
software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government
bureaucrats.

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c).

© 1998 Peter Langston