Fun_People Archive
3 Jun
Funeral Gate-crashers from Hell (come fry with me)

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed,  3 Jun 98 19:29:15 -0700
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Subject: Funeral Gate-crashers from Hell  (come fry with me)

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Funeral Gate-crashers from Hell

The Arizona Republic
June 2, 1998

If the Rev. Fred Phelps is correct -- and by God he believes he is -- then
former Sen. Barry Goldwater is now a resident of hell. Along with Frank
Sinatra, Sonny Bono, Princess Diana and, possibly, Mother Teresa.

In order to reinforce this belief, Rev. Phelps is sending a squad of holy
warriors to picket Goldwater's funeral Wednesday. They plan to carry signs
reading "Barry in hell" and worse.

This is necessary, the reverend told me Monday, because Goldwater was "a
supporter of Sodomites."

He explained, "When you want to say it's OK to be gay, then you're saying
God is a liar and the Bible is not a reliable guide.  You're saying it's OK
to sin, because if the Bible is wrong on that weighty matter, then it's not
reliable on any matter."

Rev. Phelps is reliable, however.

You can rely on him and his parading zealots from Westboro Baptist Church
in Topeka, Kan., to have something to say, to stage some protest, to try to
get on TV, after the death of any person with a big name.

'Too late for everyone'

"I've been preaching the gospel for 50 years," Rev. Phelps said.  "I'm
telling you, looking at the Bible, I have a profound feeling of distress
that it's too late for everyone in this country."

And he's correct.

At least, it's too late for us to ignore Rev. Phelps.

He's already been featured on local talk radio. Already been in the local
papers. Soon, his sign-carrying zombies will turn up on local TV.

We live in the land of fruits and nuts.

Show the media a fruit, and we go nuts.

Pastor Phelps is a Carmen Miranda, with a Bible.

After Sinatra died, the reverend sent out a press release that read in part,
"This whoremongering son of an abortionist became Chairman of the Board of
the entertainment industry for half a century. He must now atone for his
sins."

Sonny Bono is in hell, Phelps says, for not condemning his gay daughter,
Chastity.

After the death of Princess Diana, Westboro Baptist Church issued a
statement reading, "God Almighty has again manifested His hot displeasure
against the prevailing depravity of these last days by dramatically snuffing
out the hedonistic life of a leading international symbol of immoral,
god-defying decadence."

I asked the reverend, "Is there any prominent person in the United States
who isn't going to hell?"

"No," he said. "I tell you, I get very lonely."

Phelps is very fond of Zimbabwe, though, and its President Robert Mugabe.

"God bless Mugabe," he says. "Of all the leaders of the modern states, he
is the only one taking the proper position on the homosexual menace."

Because of this, the Westboro Baptist Church flies the flag of Zimbabwe
above the flag of the United States. The American flag is flown upside down.

Memorial Day sentiment

For Memorial Day, the church issued a statement titled, "They all died in
vain for a filthy Sodomite nation led by perverts and whores."

In Kansas, Phelps' parishioners are known to picket the funerals of AIDS
victims.

The reason they'll travel to Goldwater's service, he said, "is because this
nation needs to be preached to.

"Its leaders need to be preached to. And the best place to preach to them
is at their miserable funerals where they're gathered around lying about
each other."

You can read all about Phelps' church on his Web site (I swear I'm not
making this up): http://www.godhatesfags.com.

Among the many offerings available is a transcript of a pamphlet titled
(Really, I'm not kidding) "Mother Teresa in hell."

If Phelps is right, if hell - the ultimate hot spot - is filling up with
the unholy likes of Goldwater and Sinatra and Princess Di and Mother Teresa,
there's only one thing left I'd like to know.

Do they take reservations?

© 1998 Peter Langston