Fun_People Archive
30 May
Last-second Additions to Windows 98

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sat, 30 May 98 00:27:48 -0700
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Last-second Additions to Windows 98

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	TOP TEN LAST-SECOND ADDITIONS TO WINDOWS 98

We were a bit concerned that Microsoft's legal quandary earlier this week
would delay the release of the final Win 98 code to computer manufacturers
(and our review team). Turns out that Microsoft released it anyway, but only
after adding these 11th-hour tweaks:

10. Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen.

 9. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in
    ".gov," a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a
    monopoly.

 8. Source code no longer ones and zeros--try 666s and zeros.  Windows start-
    up theme, played backward, says, "Here's to my sweet Satan."

 7. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet
    petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance
    carrier to AT&T.

 6. New desktop icon--click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking
    account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund.

 5. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor
    expressing delight with Microsoft products."

 4. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say,
    "Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me."

 3. TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings.

 2. Desktop display with countdown tracking number of copies of Windows 98
    that must yet be bought to prevent worldwide economic collapse!

 1. Last-minute name change: was "Windows 98," now "Windows: Assimilate."

© 1998 Peter Langston