Fun_People Archive
12 Apr
Fun_People Updates 4/12/98
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sun, 12 Apr 98 23:56:53 -0700
To: Fun_People
Precedence: bulk
Subject: Fun_People Updates 4/12/98
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Fun_People Updates 4/12/98
===============================================================================
Portents and Omens in a Holiday Season
Fun_Folks,
Happy Easter, Good Yom Tov, Joyous Spring Rebirth Festival, and so on,
and thanks to all the people who sent good wishes regarding our recent house
buying (even those who couldn't resist using the H word). After today's
religious observances (packing, loading, hauling, unloading, and
introspection), we paid a visit to our new neighborhood grocery store, alert
for portents and omens of neighborhood karma... and lo, we observed what must
be a major portent -- sitting in the freezer case were many half gallon
containers of Breyer's Fresh Peach ice cream! I have been looking for
Breyer's Fresh Peach for 10 or 15 years with no luck until today... Easter
Sunday, one day after the start of Passover, two days after closing... Behold
... Fresh Peach has risen! It must mean something...
- Peter
p.s.
Here are some responses/comments relating to recent Fun_People postings...
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: mo@UU.NET (Mike O'Dell)
Re: Bloat Creep Marches On
MIME....
i happen to believe that MIME was the greatest single mistake
made by the IETF. it has institutionalized incompatability
and promoted this HTML foolishness.
"Just Say No!" (TM)
-mo
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Joel Rosner <joelhr@columbia.edu>
Re: Fun_People Updates 2/8/98
To answer the question: no they did not use AD, because the Roman empire
was not Christianized yet. However, seeing as the person who recorded
seeing it may have been Christian, or that the date was just interpreted to
modern standards, it is possible. And the fact that Roman year-keeping was
never great.
Joel
>> When in 1850 the French General St. Arnaud marched his legions
>> through the Kanga pass in the Atlas mountains he reasonably believed
>> that he was the first man who had ever traversed so impassable a
>> defile. Then he found carved on a rock an inscription stating:
>> "The Legio III Augusta built this road in A.D. 145."
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Joel Rosner <joelhr@columbia.edu>
Re: Fun_People Updates 2/8/98
>From: Ford Prefect <weed@bucket.pp.ualr.edu>
>Re: Oreos and Rank
This story, while used by Douglas Adams, almost certainly does not
originate with him. It's an old, old, urban legend.
Joel
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Forwarded-by: "Benz" <benz@danet.com>
Re: Gates hit in face by pie
My friend Ed said: "You can tell it wasn't a Windows user that threw the
pie -- there was no brick in it".
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: elshaw@MIT.EDU (Libby Shaw)
Forwarded-by: "jerome garvey" <jmgarv3@hotmail.com>
Re: Many Quotes of the Day - 2/9/98
Robert Half's quote "Wisdom gave the elderly the opportunity to be elderly"
reminded me of the following bit of golfing humorabilia.
Shortly after winning the Masters last year Tiger Woods was invited by the
legendary Sam Snead to play a round on Sam's home course in West Virginia.
On the first tee box Tiger deferred to Sam. The hole was a long dogleg
right, with the turn guarded by a huge old oak tree. Sam took out his driver
and nailed it dead center to the dogleg, out about 230 yards. He said "Good
position, but not as far as I used to hit 'em."
Tiger took out his 3 iron and planned to hit it out next to Sam. Sam looked
surprised and said, "See that big oak tree guarding the turn on the dogleg?
When I was your age I used to take out my driver and hit it over the oak
tree way around the dogleg." Tiger looked, put up his 3 iron, got out his
driver and smashed it. It looked great, but caught the last top branch of
the oak tree, fell down, hit a ravine, rolled into the woods, and came to
rest between two roots.
Five shots later Tiger is out of the woods, on the fairway, next to Sam.
Sam says, "Of course when I was your age that tree was about three feet
tall."
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: art@ua.com (Art Medlar)
Altavista Babelphone
It was shaping up like any other quiet evening, when suddenly the following
bit of exciting news popped into my mailbox:
To: Art Medlar <art@ua.com>
From: Henry Minsky <hqm@ua.com>
Subject: altavista language translation
Hey, alta vista now has a "translate" language option -- it seems to work
pretty well for french!
Turns out that if you search for something in German, French, or a few other
languages, the hits returned have an additional <translate> link next to
them in the results page. Following this link leads you to a page where you
can have an altavista service translate all the text on the page into
another language.
Unfortunately, the options are only to translate to or from English, and
only to do so one time. To do the obvious, and check how well the
translation works by going back into the original language, requires an
annoying bit of cut-and-pasting.
A couple of hours of hacking later, and now there's:
http://www.archive.org/~art/babelphone.html
Enter some text, click a few pop-up menus, and run a word or phrase through
a whole series of languages. Like playing that old Telephone party game in
the United Nations' snack bar.
Thanks again to the Total Winners (level 26) at DEC for providing this
amusing and, who knows, potentially useful service.
[Oh foo! As I'm getting ready to send this, and making sure
that things are working, it looks like altavista has taken down
(temporarily, one hopes) the translation service; the translate links are
gone, and babelfish.altavista.digital.com, the machine hosting the
translation engine, is not responding. The babelphone will try to print
a diagnostic if that's the case when you try it. If so, try again later.
Sorry.]
--art
Original:
Look out, America and please pass the ketchup: The burger wars have
reached the french fry front. With all the fanfare of a major
political campaign, Burger King announced an aggressive $70 million
initiative today to market is new fries, which it claims are
"hotter, tastier, and crispier." Perhaps even more important,
Burger King says they have a "taste that beat McDonald's
fries." This no small potatoes. When the second-largest hamburger
chain makes a major offensive to gain more market share, McDonald's
needs to pay close attention. "For us at Burger King, it is all
about taste," said Paul Clayton, Burger King's president, at a
press conference. The Burger King brand is built on burgers, fries
and soft drinks, the cornerstone of our company.
================================================================
translated english->french->english:
The glance outside, America and pass ketchup please: The
hamburger wars reached before fried apples. **time-out**
with all the brass band of a campaign political important,
the king of hamburger have announce a initiative $70
million aggressive today for launch be some new
crackling, that it advertisement be " more hot, more tasty,
and crispier. " Perhaps much important, the king of
hamburger say that they have a " taste which beat some
crackling of MDONALD' S. " Small potato de terre of this
not. **time-out** when the second-more large chain some
hamburger make a offensive important to gain more some
share of market, MDONALD' S must lend a attention
particular " for we with king of hamburger, it be all about
taste, " the aforementioned Paul Clayton, the president of
king of hamburger, with a conference de press " the mark
of king of hamburger be establish on some burgers, some
crackling and some drink not alcoholic -- the cornerstone
angulaire of our company.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Tony Pak <tpak@mail.utexas.edu>
Re: The splendid artistry of Babelfish applied to the Beatless
Forwarded-by: Dan Pak <pak@helix.mgh.harvard.edu>
>The following pieces of text are all first lines of Beatles tunes that
>have been translated into French, then back into English, then into
>German and back, by the free (beta) translation service at
><http://babelfish.altavista.digital.com>.
>
>1. If it gives for which to some extent, you require, if there is,
> load something I then to form me even in, and I send to you with
> the love of me him.
>
>2. I was, I made an idiom, I not only knew, which there I would find.
>
>3. I it is come the lucky discovery itself during the time from
> Marymutter of the trouble to the house of the words, which speak
> about the intelligence, disappear they left.
>
>4. I has a girl or would have it, that the legend of I to have it has
> me in the past in the past to have.
>
>5. When I age you and destroy my hair, much years henceforth,
> nevertheless, send you a Valentine me, the greetings of the
> birthday, bottle wine?
>
>6. The expensive OH that the inscriptions of I, the baby in the blue
> black those and of me the preserve of feeling, to me the OH
> explains, that I then to form?
>
>7. I am connection by the drilling, which the rain uses and stops my
> wandering spirit where it will disappear.
>
>
>Can you puzzle out what the original songs were, before they got
>transmogrified?
>
>And (harder) can you sing these words to the original tunes, with a straight
>face?
>
>Mike Williams
1. From Me to You
2. Got to get you into my life
3. Let it Be (easy)
4. Norwegian Wood (easy)
5. When I'm 64 (easy)
6. Baby's in Black (easy)
7. Fixing a Hole
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: the potentate of pots <silent-tristero@world.std.com>
popfuscation digest #1
Forwarded-by: Jym Dyer <jym@remarque.org>
Re: The splendid artistry of Babelfish
=o= These remind me of a little feature/game called "Play That Tune, Mr.
Spock!" from the November 1989 issue of _Spy_:
This celebratory gathering occurs at my behest and I shall be lachrymose
if it so befits me.
She chooses to purchase a terraced incline directed toward a postlife
paradisiacal region.
I request that you prevent a large, glowing orb consisting of incandescent
gas from committing fellatio upon my person.
The leather coverings now encasing my pedal extremities have been
manufactured for the specific purpose of ambulatory forward motion.
Allow me the honor of portraying for you a miniaturized representation of
a member of the family Ursidae of the order Carnivora.
Adieu, jaundiced vehicular pathway consisting of blocks of baked clay.
You proved illumination for the period of time delimited by my nativity
and the complete cessation of my metabolic functions.
And we will engage in much jubilant activity until such time as the male
parent chooses to repossess her vehicle of motorized transport.
The deity has little or nothing to do with the manufacture of minuscule
viridescent seed-bearing fruits.
Expresses deep affection toward yours truly in the manner of a hardened
igneous object.
Please remove yourself from the immediate vicinity of my visible
collection of minute water particles, Dr. McCoy.
=o= This, in turn, prompted me to come up with some:
I exclaimed, one sodium, sodium * 1.8E+1.
Louis, Louis, desist. I declare, my departure is imminent. Myself twice,
and twice again.
Desist from placing your pedal extremities (_op._cit._) atop my pedal
extremities' coverings of flayed bovine fauna, which emit electromagnetic
energy from that portion of the spectrum between violet and green.
I would suspend myself from the neck until my metabolic functions cessate,
were I able to obtain a sufficent quantity of a thick cord of twisted
strands of fiber. Caucasian youths, particularly those considered
inferior, under the influence of one or more controlled substances.
Remove my legal franchise to operate a motor vehicle, and perform
attendant acts that meet with my disapproval. I am unable to operate said
motor vehicles except at velocities proscribed by federal legislation.
Project quaintly unsophisticated sound waves in combinations of structural
form and rhythmic patterns, youthful caucasian male.
=o= And then there's the old standby:
Propel, propel, propel your craft
Gently down the liquid solution
Exuberantly, exuberantly, exuberantly, exuberantly
Existence is but an illusion.
<_Jym_>
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: swinick@sas.upenn.edu (Stephen D. Winick)
oreos and rank
Hi, folks.
Apologies if this was covered in your discussion groups; I only receive
sporadic updates of Fun_People. But I was interested in the story called
"oreos and rank," which has been ascribed on your list to Douglas Adams.
Although Adams obviously used the story, it's a folktale that's been in oral
tradition at least since 1972.
Oral versions of the story usually feature an immigrant and a native Brit
(the story seems to have originated in Britain) who "share" a packet of
biscuits by mistake. The joke is that the Englishman thinks this
"foreigner" is eating the food right off his plate--a common attitude among
the anti-immigration lobby. It turns out that the foreigner has actually
been the one victimized by the parasitic Englishman! Quite a moral tale
for our times. Adams eliminates the racial overtones and makes the story
instead a spoof of British stiff upper lips as both men struggle to ignore
one another's predations; also an effective way to use the plot, I think.
BTW, this story has been so popular all over the world that by 1993 no fewer
than six short films had been made on the theme; two are French, one Swiss,
one American, one Dutch and one Japanese. I haven't heard of any new filmed
versions since then, but you never know....
yours in folklore,
Steve Winick
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
A groceried society is a polite society.
Forwarded-by: Steve Simmons <scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
A BUG BY ANY OTHER NAME
Ann Arbor: New Scientist Magazine noted that Alta Vista's human language
translation (http://babelfish.altavista.digital.com/cgi- bin/translate)
capability is, shall we say, not flawless. A reader reported that English
input consisting of the famous Wordsworth thing about daffodils, translated
into German and then back to English, became in part, "A central processor
of the golden daffodils," revealing that the translation engine has
something of a techno-bias. WCA thought we'd try it out on some deathless
text of our own. From the WCA DP Alphabet
(http://ic.net/~mccon/geekery/alphabet.html):
>From English ...
D is for Data, the whole raison d'etre,
Whether fussing a budget or composing belles lettres.
To German ...
D ist ftr Daten, das vollstindige raisond'etre, ob fussing einen Etat oder
belleslettres bestehend.
And back to English ...
D is the complete raisond'etre for data, whether fussing a budget or a
belleslettres existing.
Not bad. Now let's try:
M is for Munge which means ... Gott im Himmel!
I haven't a clue, better ask Mr. Kimmel.
To German ...
M ist ftr Munge, das Mittel..., Gott im Himmel! Ich habe nicht einen
Anhaltspunkt, besser fragen Sie Herrn Kimmel.
And back to English ...
M is for Munge, the means..., God in the sky! I do not have a reference
point, better ask you Mr. Kimmel.
Very nice, very nice. I think "Anhaltspunktless" will become part of the
WCA lexicon. Just for reference, let's see what it does with a few common
software phrases:
Bill Gates is a Wiener ->Bill Gates ist ein Wiener Wtrstchen -> Bill Gates
is a Viennese small sausage.
It's a feature, not a bug -> Es ist eine Eigenschaft, nicht ein
Programmfehler -> It is a characteristic, not a program error
Ah, ha. It really thinks "bug" means program defect, eh? Let's try:
What's this bug doing in my soup? -> Was ist dieser Programmfehler, der in
meiner Suppe tut? -> What is this program error, which does in my soup?
How about French?
What's this bug doing in my soup? -> Quelle est cette anomalie faisant en
mon potage? -> Which is this anomaly making in my soup?
Yup, sounds like an anomaly to me. Help! My cucumber salad is covered with
bugs! -> Hilfe! Mein Gurkesalat wird mit Programmfehlern bedeckt!
->Assistance! My cucumber salad is covered with program errors!
This arrant nonsense has been brought to you by the Odd Town Tavern, where
they have been forced to coin a word, entempe', to describe the act of
serving someone an unwonted portion of meat substitute. -> Questa assurditi
arrant L stata portata voi dalla locanda dispari della citti, in cui sono
stati costretti per coniare una parola, entempe ', per descrivere l' atto
del serving qualcuno un la parte unwonted del sostituto della carne. -> This
absurdity arrant has been capacity you from the Uneven Inn of the City, in
which they are forced in order to coin one word, entempe ', in order to
describe to the action of serving the someone a part unwonted of the
substitute of the meat.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: david mankins <dm@k12-nis-2.bbn.com>
User interface
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Forwarded-by: Kirk McKusick <mckusick@McKusick.COM>
Forwarded-by: Mark Compton <marcom@opendoor.com>
> On Friday the 24th I was watching the NASA channel on cable TV to see how
> the experiments and Shuttle crew were doing. The men onboard needed to
> send instructions to the experiments in the cargo bay and were using a
> laptop to do it. As some of you may have heard, there was a "computer
> problem" onboard as reported by CNN. The exchange of information between
> the crew and the Johnson Space Center ( JSC) went something like this:
>
> Crew: Urgent Johnson, we can't get a DOS prompt
> ...
> JSC: Dock with the Russians. They have a Unix Workstation you can borrow.
Forwarded-by: Andrew_Brandt@pcworld.com
I first read about this on Thursday, 29 January. The next day, I contacted
Johnson Space Center's chief, Dr. John Lawrence, regarding this alleged
'computer problem.' His quote says it all:
"This was a marvelous piece of fiction."
Apparently, even NASA knows better than to depend on a Microsoft operating
system for a mission-critical application such as an onboard experiment.
--A
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: "Richard Tetu" <rtetu@lopez.wednet.edu>
Re: Keep your eye out for radeau on the menu
Dear Mr. Langston:
Re: the nutria story, did you know a radeau is a raft? Is someone pulling our
leg?
Thanks for the great list,
Richard TOtu
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: George Osner <gosner@ainet.com>
Re: Keep your eye out for radeau on the menu (fwd)
My boys have been coming up with interesting items all day...
Jeremy just sent a follow up to the "extreme bowling" note suggesting
that his buddy Maurice conjured up the idea that perhaps it's bidirectional.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Forwarded-by: Gabriel P. Osner <gposner@artsci.wustl.edu>
Subject: Re: Keep your eye out for radeau on the menu
Incidentally, this reminds me of the Japanese company marketing food made
out of processed solid sewage (i.e., poop), counting on the recycling
angle to sell it. I'm thinking their slogan should be "Eat shit and live,"
or "Poop is good food."
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: ddern@world.std.com (Daniel P Dern)
Halting Them Lookenpeepers Multilingually
When updating my web site for its new home, I figured I should add some
of the obligatory legal-type things, so I included (with permission)
the Internet version of the classic "Blinkenlights" warning. (In
www.dern.com/blinken.html, and also below.) (I also included cheat
codes, separately, which admittedly don't work.)
In case you don't remember (it appeared on rec.humor.funny), here's
the original Internet "Lookenpeepers" as it appears on my site:
-------<snip>------
ACHTUNG! ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS!
Das Internet is nicht fuer gefingerclicken und giffengrabben. Ist easy
droppenpacket der routers und overloaden der backbone mit der spammen unt
der me-tooen. Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das dumpkopfen. Das musclicken
sichtseeren keepen das bandwit-spewin hans in das pockets muss; relaxen und
watchen das cursorblinken.
(By Michael Driscoll, appearing here by his kind permission. Based on
a popular previous incarnation.)
-------</snip>------
So (I am not making this up, as Dave Barry says), one day I get email
from somebody saying it would be helpful if I would translate the warning.
I politely and tersely reply that a) it's in English and b) translating
it would spoil the joke...
But with the advent of Bablefish (the translation engine on Digital's
AltaVista site/search engine), and the fine research results posted,
I figured it was worth seeing what would transpire...
First:Identifying the original as 'German' and translating to English,
we get:
------<snip>--------
NOTE! EVERYTHING LOOKENSPEEPERS!
Internet is not for gefingerclicken and giffengrabben. Is easy droppenpacket
routers and overloaden the backbone with spammen unt the that ME-TOOEN. Is
not for trades with the dumpkopfen. Musclicken sichtseeren keepen bandwit
spewin Hans in pockets must; relaxen and watchen the cursor-flashed.
(By Michael Driscoll, appearing here by his child by mission. Based on
a popular previous incarnation.)
------</snip>--------
On the other hand, simply translating the original page
"from English TO German" yields:
------<snip>--------
ACHTUNG! ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS!
Internet Das ist nichtfuer gefingerclicken und giffengrabben.
Droppenpacketderfrdser Ist spammen einfache, die und derr|ckgrat-MITDER
overloaden, untder ich-tooen. Nichtfuer Ist gewerken beidas dumpkopfen. Das
musclicken sichtseeren keepen dasbandwit-spewinhans in den dastaschenmuss;
relaxen und watchen das cursorblinken.
(durch Michael Driscoll, hier erscheinen durch seine freundliche
Erlaubnis. Gegr|ndet auf einer populdren vorhergehenden Inkarnation.)
------</snip>--------
Pasting this into the "text" entry lines of Bablefish
and translating this "from German to English" gets:
------<snip>---------
[INLINE] NOTE! EVERYTHING LOOKENSPEEPERS! Internet that is not for
gefingerclicken and giffengrabben. Droppenpacketderfraeser is spammen
simple, and derrueckgrat MITDER the overloaden, more untder I tooen.
Nichtfuer is trades that dumpkopfen. The musclicken sichtseeren keepen
dasbandwit spewinhans into that must; relaxen and watchen the
cursor-flashed. [INLINE]
-----</snip>----
Morals, if any, of this exercise have been sent where all the excised
forwards go, without further comment in any language.
Rspctflly sbmtted,
Yr vwllss srvnt,
DPD
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Kevin Johnsrude <kevinj@roguewave.com>
re: Guiness Pint Glasses (read this now or never)
As of 8:30am, 5/27/98, the number is out of service with a special message
saying, "This number is temporarily out of service. Please hang up now."
Mwah-ha-hah! Bow and tremble before the Power of the Net!!
Cheers,
Kevin
"It's because of El Nino."
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: "Christopher R. Maden" <crism@crism.ne.mediaone.net>
Re: C++ and increased productivity
[Richard Lamson, MD]
> On the 1st of January, 1998, Bjarne Stroustrup gave an interview to
> the IEEE's 'Computer' magazine.
It's a little early for poisson d'avril, but unless anyone has a
definitive source for this article, I'm going to hazard the
speculation that it was written by Greg Satir. Just to get discussion
going, you know.
-crism
[Stroustrup now sends out a form-letter denying that the interview is
genuine. -dm]
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Sam & Charlotte Rice <smrmd@nauticom.net>
Fourth grade sayings...
A teacher gave her fourth-grade students the beginning of a
list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for
each one. Here are some examples of what they submitted:
The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.
A rolling stone plays the guitar.
The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.
A bird in the hand is a real mess.
No news is no newspaper.
It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.
It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.
You have nothing to fear but homework.
If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.
If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.
A penny saved is nothing in the real world.
The squeaking wheel gets annoying.
We have nothing to fear but our principal.
To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.
I think, therefore I get a headache.
Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.
It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.
Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.
There is nothing new under the bed.
The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.
Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: "Stephen Nelson" <snelson@nwlink.com>
Re: QOTD - 3/10/98, Gelman-Waxner
at least Titanic is a "movie". A news producer at one of the San Francisco
network affiliates once told me that the reason he added some elements to
the story they developed from my interview was because their version "was
more interesting", while at the same time their version trashed a totally
innocent person.
regards - Steve
> According to Hollywood logic, none of the actual *Titanic* passengers was
> interesting enough, so the writer-director had to invent a Romeo and
> Juliet-style fictional couple to heat up the catastrophe. This seems a tiny
> bit like giving Anne Frank a wacky best friend, to perk up that attic.
> -- Libby Gelman-Waxner in *Premiere* magazine
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Re: Lawyers
Forwarded-by: CSH Little <cshl@compuserve.com>
Forwarded-by: George Schwend <schwend@healthcare.com>
Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.
Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.
Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer
with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what's your third question?"
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets.
What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: "Cantor,Steven" <stevenc@hevanet.com>
Re: latin phrases
i circulated portions of your list of latin phrases for the 90s to some
work cohorts, and the following addition came back to me, and i thought it
worthy of inclusion in the 'second edition' of this list:
Veni, Vidi, Kimchi
(I came, I saw, I fermented cabbage.)
s.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Bonnie Rinard <brinard@cord.org>
Re: Between the lines...
What font and pitch was this letter originally composed in. My E-mail wraps
everything differently and I think I can figure out some line breaks, but
others don't seem to come out right.
Bonnie
> Memo to the Commissioner
> Subject: Letter of Recommendation
>
> Bob Smith, an assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his
> cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to
> colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he
> always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures
> to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated
> individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments
> and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed
> as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with.
> Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management,
> and a proposal will be sent away as soon as possible.
> - TLP
> Project Leader
Oops! I see what you mean; that's pretty useless. There's nothing quite as
annoying as "helpful" software... Here's the message as I sent it out, except
indented; maybe that will get past the helpful reformatting.
______________________________________________________________________________
Memo to the Commissioner
Subject: Letter of Recommendation
Bob Smith, an assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
- TLP
Project Leader
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Crafty Fun_People have smelled a rat by this time, but can you figure
out what's really going on before reading the follow-up memo below?
-psl]
-----------------------------------------------------------------
(Later that afternoon another memo was sent...)
Memo to the Commissioner
Subject: Letter of Recommendation
Sorry about that earlier memo, Bob was reading over my shoulder
as I wrote it. Kindly read every other line (i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7...)
for my true assessment of him.
Regards,
TLP
Project Leader
_______________________________________________________________________________
[Quite a while ago Fun_People had one of those lists of highly suspicious
"Strange Facts" -- months later other mailing lists sent it around and now,
many months later it's coming around again. Here's a letter from one of those
other lists when they noticed the first untrue "Strange Fact." -psl]
Forwarded-by: Laugh-A-Lot! <laughalot-owner@graceweb.org>
Surprise! Turns out the BU Bridge is NOT the only place with
stacked railroad/automobile trusses over navagatable waters! Other
such structures are located in:
* Nizhny Novgorod, Russia (across the Volga),
* San Francisco (Benicia/Martinez bridge),
* Sacramento (I Street bridge),
* Belding, Michigan, (the Flat River),
* Between Houghton and Hancock (Upper Peninsula, Michigan),
* St. Louie (the Eads & the McArthur bridges),
* Toronto, Canada. (Danforth/Bloor Road on the Don River),
* Portland, Oregon. (Burnside Bridge, plus a light-rail train ("Us
left-coast folk are NOT to be outdone by Boston folk..."), and...
* Chicago - has a train going UNDER the river where a boat crosses
under a car/truck traveling on the bridge underneath ANOTHER car/
truck while the Elevated train (the "el") also passes over the
train-boat-car/truck-car/truck &, of course, an airplane over that!
OK! I give! So much for trusting everything you hear on the internet!
(Except here, where we set the record straight! <grin>!)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Jef Jaisun <eljefe@halcyon.com>
Re: Perspective
>>From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
>>Date: Sun, 15 Mar 98 13:32:33 -0800
>>To: Fun_People@langston.com
>>
>>"A billion hours ago, human life appeared on earth. A billion minutes ago,
>>Christianity emerged. A billion Coca-Colas ago was yesterday morning."
>>
>> - 1996 Coca-Cola Company Annual Report .
Three strikes and you're out!
Jef
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Hugh Geenen <boho@halcyon.com>
Re: SPOILER - Seinfeld
Yahoo! News
Entertainment Headlines
Monday March 16 8:56 PM ET
The Last Episode of "Seinfeld": Not
Heard the one about the last episode of Seinfeld? The one where the gang
ditches neurotic New York for sunny Los Angeles, fabulous lives and untold
riches?
It ain't so.
A detailed outline of the Show About Nothing's reputed finale -- found
everywhere from the Internet to today's New York Post -- is bogus, says the
guy who actually wrote a draft of the real last episode.
"It's obviously the result of a mental patient with time on his hands,"
Seinfeld cocreator Larry David says, in today's Los Angeles Times, of the
widely circulated Jerry Goes Hollywood scenario.
Concurs Glenn Padnik, the president of the studio that produces the
top-rated sitcom, in the newspaper: "Somebody's gone to a lot of trouble. I
prefer not to answer this question, but I do know this is a fraud."
New York's Daily News lifted the bogus Seinfeld storyline from cyber rumor
to mainstream-press fodder March 8. It presented a thorough, scene-by-scene
synopsis of the phantom show: from Jerry buying a house in L.A., to Elaine
meeting Mr. Right, to George being hired as a TV critic, to Kramer getting
his own Thursday night NBC sitcom, to Newman surfacing in a final, haunting
shot at Jerry's mailbox.
The paper warned readers that Seinfeld's own spokesperson labeled the
synopsis incorrect and prefaced a breakdown of the episode with the proviso
that it could be "real or not." (For the record, the "real" show will be
shot in April and air May 14.)
Properly labeled or no, the story was the latest example of the press --
particularly the Seinfeld-obsessed New York papers -- keeping the impending
departure of Jerry, et al, spinning for another news cycle.
It was also the latest example of the Internet giving fits to
security-conscious Hollywood and leaking plotlines and script secrets --
some on, some off the money.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: "Stephen Nelson" <snelson@nwlink.com>
Re: QOTD, 2/25/98 - Loren
On (somewhat) the same subject by another famous actress:
Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
- Mae West
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Jef Jaisun <eljefe@halcyon.com>
Airlines and Musical Instruments
Here's a bit more to add re instruments (in my case, guitars) on airliners:
Pre-board! Yeah, let the little old ladies in wheel chairs and the people
with kids go ahead of you, but be right behind them. If the attendant looks
at you funny, just nicely say you'd rather not bang anybody in the head as
you're walking down the aisle.
Hawaiian Air Line DC-10: Ferget the overheads. You can get a mandolin up
there, but probably not a full sized anything. Especially if you're in the
five-seat middle row. The good news is there's a small compartment at the
entry of the plane where my Guild F-30 in a hard case fit just perfectly. A
big D-35 might not make it.
DC-9/MD-80 -- The bin sizes alternate, long short. Some of the longer bins
are full of emergency gear. It's tight, but I got my F-30 in there by
tilting it upward and stuffing my jacket underneath. I've also managed to
get both the F-30 and a Strat in a flat case up there there same way. Slide
the flat case in, put the acoustic on top and prop it up on an angle.
Every once in a while I get an attendant who doesn't believe either guitar
will fit. I try to be nice, but I am also emphatic. I offer to have them
accompany me to see how easily the axe fits. If they question my
pre-boarding (rarely happens), alledging that there won't be enough room in
the overheard for other passengers' stuff, I explain that by putting the
guitar in first and sliding it to the back of the compartment (especially
if I've just got the Strat) leaves plenty of room for everybody.
Conversely, I've noticed more and more idiots carrying on enough crap to
build a house; let these people at the bins first and you haven't got a
prayer.
I've only had one real confrontation with any airline, and that was four
years ago on a short hiop from New Orleans to Atlanta. The airline? You
guessed it -- Valu-Jet, who told me the flight was half-empty an hour
before take-off, when it was jammed. I guess that's why they're America's
premier airline.
What's got me hacked off is the recent announcements, by Northwest in
particular, that "if it doesn't match these dimensions it has to be
checked." That's fascism, and it didn't come about because of too many
guitar players. It's caused by the idiot home-builders, who buy soft-pack
luggage then don't want it trashed in baggage. They roll "carry-on" crap
the size of semi trailers down the aisles, then try to fit it overhead. Me,
I generally have one guitar, and a camera bag for underseat. Okay,
yeah...and two bottles of tequila when I'm coming back from Mexico. That's
not a lot. I also look the part of a professional musician. The F-30 case
has 20 years worth of stickers on it. Wear your shades and black leather
coat. ;)
Jef
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Jef Jaisun <eljefe@halcyon.com>
Re: Where's my refund!?!
>From my pal overseas:
>> >>[Perhaps an urban legend, but cute anyway... -psl]
>> >>...
>> >>However, few people bother to present the cheques at their bank due to
>> >>the name of the company "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."
>========
>
>Well I, for one, didn't dare return the check --- uh, uh, I
>mean, I WOULDN'T have dared, had I been.....
>
>Other possible company names?
>- Micro-Penis Extendors, Ltd.
>- Pedophiles 'R' Us
>- Cum2Quik, Inc.
>
>Marketing is in my blood -- I know 'cus I passed the Dope Test.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: "pardo@cs.washington.edu" <pardo@cs.washington.edu>
Re: NOTBJOTD (North of the border jokes of the day) - 3/31/98
>[Long list of Newfie jokes elided...]
Some guys are telling Newfie jokes in a bar and finally another
patron, who is a Newfie, goes over to the group. ``I've got one,'' he
says, ``how do you get a Newfie girl pregnant?'' The bar guys puzzle
over this for a while and finally give up. ``How?'' they ask. The
Newfie replies ``and you guys think _Newfies_ are dumb!''
;-D on ( Oldfie ) Pardo
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Daniel Steinberg <dss@opcode.com>
Re: Superglue Product - Rectite
>[Talk about a growth industry! Remember, when you make your fist million
> on the Rectite market...
I assume i'm not the only one to wonder if that slip was Freudian...
[I doubt it could be a slip with Rectite. And anyway, a freudian slip is
when you say one thing but mean your mother... -psl]
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Ladysmyth <Ladysmyth@aol.com>
Re: Superglue Product - Rectite
In a message dated 4/1/98 5:27:11 AM, you wrote:
|[Talk about a growth industry! Remember, when you make your fist million
| on the Rectite market, you heard about it on Fun_People first. Golly...
| I wonder if hospitals will start using Rectite, too... -psl]
Gee, Peter, maybe you should ask Dr. Freud...
Sarah (I never use those stupid smileys, but maybe this response warrants one)
Gowan
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: joev@archtop.com
Re: Superglue Product - Rectite
>Remember, when you make your fist million
> on the Rectite market,
Reminds me of the old definition of Freudian slip. Guy leans across the
breakfast table. He means to say "Honey, please pass the sugar." What comes
out is: "You ruined my life, you miserable bitch!"
Best, Joe
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Barbara Millikan <millikan@pnn.com>
Re: VERY Dirty Jokes & X-Rated GIFs ;-)
All the best nasty pranks I learned at church camp. As well as the ones
mentioned, there is vaseline on the toilet seat, powdered sugar inbetween
the sheets (doesn't stick till someone sweats) pinholes in the toothpaste
tube, squeezing some other tube preparation into the toothpaste tube, and
unscented toothpaste on the pillowcase. Powdered chalk or charcoal works
well on the phone earpiece, too. One can tie chairlegs together under the
table. Sew up coat and bathrobe sleeves.
Yrs,
Barbara
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Robert.Reynolds@directory.reed.edu (Robert Reynolds)
Re: Bad News for a Neighboring List...
Inspired by your "Gun People" reference, I used a search engine on "Gun People"
and was led to
http://cmp1.ucr.edu/gun_show/comments/comment_menu.html
where there were a number of comments, the triggering one being
"Anti-Gun people are a disgrace"
but one of which was more like a slogan:
"Bang Your Dead".
I assume they do.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Tim Harvey <harv@cs.rice.edu>
Re: No Means No and Yes Means Yes --Steinem on Jones
Peter,
Howdy... I _love_ your list, and all of the work you put in to
entertaining and informing us.
However, (did you know _that_ was coming?!? :-) allowing anyone to
call Steinem's fluff piece in the NYT "commendably lucid" is an insult to
your past good work.
Please, please, please tell me that it was high sarcasm, and that
I'm being unforgiveably humorless. The alternative is to know that there
might actually be people out there who are unable to either read words and
gather meaning from them or are simply mental incompetents posing as
responsible citizens.
Steinem's article does nothing more than expose her for the
politically motivated demagogue that she is. Her defense of Clinton's
actions is to say that it was all right, because he backed off when
rebuffed. This is, she says, the basis of the sexual harrassment law.
A ludicrous idea, this -- that the sexual harrassment law says that
every man is welcome to one free advance, and after being told no, _then_
he has to act like a human being. By Steinem's reasoning, I can walk into
any of my fellow female (or male, I suppose) colleagues' offices, drop trou
and suggest some lacivious entertainment, and only after she(he? :-) says
they're not interested do I have to refasten and remove myself.
As if it weren't enough that she is singlehandedly trying to reverse
the many important advances made by professional women, she ends her
ridiculous meanderings by advocating that we all ignore this otherwise
reprehensible behavior in someone she supports if that person has sufficient
"energy and talent"... So we should ignore Nixon's crimes because he was
such a great statesman?!? So we should ignore Jeffrey Dahmer's crimes
because he was such a great cannibal? Who is the final arbiter under Ms.
Steinem's silly philosophy?!?
Her seemingly congenital inability to recognize her own biases is
both frightening and dangerous. Frightening, because she has positioned
herself as a spokesman(!) for the women's movement, and dangerous, because
it seems that there are people willing to be swayed by her ill-reasoned
arguments.
Again, please forgive me if I missed your humor. Although it's not
really an excuse, I found her deplorable tripe so fundamentally insulting
that the only thing I can find funny about it is that it so clearly
illuminates the inner workings of a mind lost to reason.
Thanks for your time...
Tim
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: KenPerlman <KenPerlman@aol.com>
Re: WhiteBoardness - 4/9/98
Peter
Did you hear about the resolution of the Boston taxpayer's case. The IRS
found the money in its own bank, the day after the story became public
knowledge. So much for its "kinder and gentler" image.
Ken
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Mark James <trantor@linex.com>
Re: WhiteBoardness - 4/9/98
This one was fixed the other day. I am visting Boston, and his story made
the papers, then magically, the IRS allowed his payment to stand, even
though they now claim the bank owes them the money!
The box said 'Requires Windows 95, or better.' So I bought a Macintosh.
Mark James
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© 1998 Peter Langston
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