Fun_People Archive
29 Mar
MSBOTD (MS Bash Of The Day) - 3/29/98

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sun, 29 Mar 98 14:55:45 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: MSBOTD (MS Bash Of The Day) - 3/29/98

Forwarded-by: Cal Herrmann <calani@netcom.com>
Forwarded-by: jemichae@othello.ucs.indiana.edu
Forwarded-by: Andrew_W._Silberman@ringo.net

	Microsoft to Buy Year 1998

    In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates  announced yesterday
that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1998.  1998  will  be
replaced instead by "Year-M" to  be  followed  by actual 1998.

    "Windows 98 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates  said.  "But we
couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused. So
instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we
decided just to buy 1998.  That way  we get  an extra year to debug Windows
and get it shipped  for  what will be the new 1998."

    Microsoft  arranged  this coup by leveraging  its  financial assets to
bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. The IRS is
being disbanded for next year, but taxes will   be collected as usual with
one change: all checks must  be  made payable to "Bill Gates."

    A  side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns  the judicial
branch for the duration of "Year-M."  Speculators stated that  Gates  would
likely use this opportunity  to  dismiss  the numerous  lawsuits  pending
against Microsoft.  Gates  apparently feels  this  would  be cheaper than
actually  hiring  lawyers  to represent his rickety cases.

    In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of  his
purchase, claiming time to be the sole property  of  God.   In a
countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that   he be broken
up into "deity conglomerates."

    "Gosh," said Gates.  "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"

    Inside  sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking  for  an early
resolution  to  the suit by hiring God  as  a  programmer.  Evidently, God
has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in   a programmer: he
doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't  need  any money,  isn't married, and
can work for at least 6  days  without sleeping.

    "If  we  could  just get some employees  like  that,"  Gates lamented,
"we would be able to ship Windows 98 on time."
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