Fun_People Archive
12 Mar
Java is old, let's try something new...

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 12 Mar 98 14:00:46 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Java is old, let's try something new...

Forwarded-by: "pardo@cs.washington.edu" <pardo@cs.washington.edu>

[Microsoft is expected to announce at Internet World today,
 reporters are already circulating stories on the wire.  -Pardo]

LOS ANGELES (IP) -- Microsoft Corporation is stepping up incentives for
software designers and developers to use its own version of Java, once again
stealing the latest thunder from the Southern Java cartel.

  Today at the Internet World Trade show, Microsoft introduced their new
programming environment, ``crack'', which while nonportable and lacking
protection, does operate somewhat faster than Java.  ``You'll do things
faster using `crack','' said a Microsoft representative.  As a benefit,
Microsoft says the new language is completely incompatible with Java, in
order to avoid lawsuits.  ``We can change it whenever we want.''

  A set of crack tools were also introduced, though no shipment dates were
announced.  However, Microsoft says that the new ``gateway'' tools will be
available initially at low discount introductory prices.  ``We'll let new
users try it for next to nothing,'' said the Microsoft representative,
``though habitual users may want to buy our upgrades, which will cost a
little bit more.''

  Apple, which is partly owned by and quite dependent upon Microsoft,
endorses crack.  ``You've already seen the effect of similar products in
our marketing and sales strategy,'' said an Apple strategic business
planner.  ``We've been looking for something better, and we think this it;
we can't wait to try it.''

  Some outside analysts were sketpical of crack.  ``I've tried lots of
stuff, and I keep coming back to Java, it's reliable, it's widely available,
and I have a wide choice of suppliers,'' said one computer programmer, who
spoke on the condition of anonymity.  Other Internet World users doubted
the novelty but a Microsoft representative said ``People are stuck on
names--sure, we call one of our tools a `pipe', but it's got nothing to do
with old-fasioned `pipes'; we would never implement anything that had been
implemented in Unix, this is totally different.''

© 1998 Peter Langston