Fun_People Archive
11 Mar
Jokes Not About Purim...

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 11 Mar 98 23:34:32 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Jokes Not About Purim...

Forwarded-by: Holzwoman <Holzwoman@aol.com>

    I met a Chinese man who told me his name was Abe Schwartz. I told him
he didn't look Jewish, to which he replied "I'm not." "So how did you get
that name?" I asked. "Did your mother marry a Jewish man?" "Oh no, when I
first came to this country and was standing on the immigration line, the
man in front of me was named Abe Schwartz. When it came my turn, they asked
me my name and I told them 'Sem Ting.'"

 ************************************************************************

    Two Rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking
in the company of undesirable characters -- even before the sun set on
the evening of the Sabbath.
    The Rabbi called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to
having given in to weakness and admitted that they deserved punishment.
The Rabbi went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas.
"Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to
remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law."
    A few days later, the two students met. One was limping painfully, had
dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed
much as he had been the week before. "Hey," said the first, "how is it that
you are walking so easily? Didn't you put peas in your shoes as the Rabbi
told us?"
    "Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" He
started to walk away, paused and then said, "But I boiled them first."

 ************************************************************************

    Two Japanese businessmen meet in London. "Kimoshito, your wife Lotus
Flower is having an affair with a Jewish man." Kimoshito takes the first
plane back to Tokyo and confronts his wife. "Lotus Flower, is this true?"
and she replies: "Kimoshito-san, who's been telling you all this mishegoss?"

 ************************************************************************

    Three Jewish men arrive in NYC from Europe, and decide to meet again in
20 years to see how they all made out in America.
	20 years pass...
    The first man asks the second, "So, nu? How'd you do?"
    He replies: Vell, you know...ven I came to this country I had no idea
vhat to do with myself to make a livink. So I looked at my last name.
Goldstein.  So I vent into the gold business. And oy, did I make a FORTUNE!"
    He turns to the next man and asks, "So nu, how 'bout you?"
    He says "Vell, like you I had no idea vhat I vas going to do in this
vast country to make a livink, so I too, looked to my last name.
Silverberg. So I vent into silver. And oy, did I make a fortune!"
    So they both turn to the last man and say, "And you? Vat happened to
you?" So the third man said, "Vell, I too had no idea how I vas to make a
livink here in America, so I looked at my last name. Taylor. I said, das no
good. I never make money as a tailor. So I went to shul and prayed. I said
"G-d, if you make me a wealthy man, I promise to make You my partner."
    So the first man said, "So, vat happened?"
    The man replied, "Vas the matter? You never heard of Lord and Taylor?"

------------------------------------
[And now for a joke that's even more not about Purim... -psl]

	Camping Alert

    In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please
note the following public service announcement:
    In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when
hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also
cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to
bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears.
    One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

© 1998 Peter Langston