Fun_People Archive
27 Jan
The Comedian's-eye View of 1/12,13,16,19,21,22,26/98 & 9/18,23,26/97

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 27 Jan 98 02:58:22 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: The Comedian's-eye View of 1/12,13,16,19,21,22,26/98 & 9/18,23,26/97

Excerpted-from:      1/12,13,16,19,21,22,26/98 & 9/18,23,26/97 -- ShopTalk
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                         Monday January 12, 1998

	"If Kathy Lee Gifford had to marry a football player...
	 why couldn't it have been OJ?"
			- Don Imus as heard on "Imus in the Morning"
			  and simulcast on MSNBC

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Mickey Mao: Mao Tse-tung's preserved corpse is once again on display in
China's Tiananmen Square.  "These people really need to get cable."
(Premiere Radio)
[Kinda makes you proud to be an American, don't it?  -psl]

Stupid is as Stupid Does: Mykelti Williamson, the actor who played Forrest
Gump's friend Bubba, has been arrested for allegedly stalking his ex-wife
and stabbing her boyfriend.  "Police said he could be charged with
impersonating OJ Simpson." (Jay Leno)

Solitary Confinement: Security is very high at the trial of accused
Unabmomber Ted Kaczynski.  "To keep him isolated, police are holding him in
a movie theater showing 'The Postman.'" (Leno)

Wooden Veep: "The deaths of Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy from skiing into
trees have made people nervous walking through the White House.  Everybody
swerves into the wall when they see Al Gore approaching." (Argus Hamilton)

"Elton John is already working on his Sonny Bono tribute song, 'I Got You
A Candle In The Wind, Babe.'"  (Paul Harris)

Picasso in the Ring: Evander Holyfield says he's forgiven Mike Tyson and
would fight him again.  "Being a good Christian, Holyfield is willing to
turn the other ear." (Daily Scoop)

Holy Pop Culture: "Celebrity has become America's new religion.  If Leonardo
da Vinci were alive today, he'd paint 'The Last Episode of Seinfeld.'"
(Hamilton)

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                       Tuesday January 13, 1998

	"Good evening, I'm Craig Kilborn. Is it just me, or did
	 Christmas break seem extra long this year?"
		- Kilborn, returning from his suspension on The Daily Show

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Cat Fight: "More went on during last week's fight between the two White
House pets than meets the eye. Today, Socks filed a lawsuit claiming to be
able to identify certain 'distinguishing characteristics' on Buddy's body."
(Steve Voldseth)

Letter Man: The Unabomber judge may let suspect Ted Kaczynski represent
himself. "During a pretrial conference, the judge asked Kaczynski what he
was mumbling and Kaczynski said, 'I can't tell you because of
attorney-client privilege.' " (Premiere Radio)

The Friendly Skies: Congress may rename National Airport the Ronald Reagan
Airport. "It will take awhile to make the changes. They have to redo all
the signs, print new luggage tags and fire all the air-traffic controllers."
(Argus Hamilton)

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                         Friday January 16, 1998

      "Geraldine Ferraro who has announced her candidacy for U.S. Senate,
      ran with Presidential candidate Walter Mondale in 1984, and helped
      him capture both Minnesota "AND" The District of Columbia."
			- Craig Kilborn, The Daily Show

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No More Visa Ads?: Bob Dole has registered as a foreign agent for Taiwan in
an effort to improve his business relationship with the US.  "A lot of
Americans don't think it's right for an ex-presidential hopeful to roam
the halls of our nation's Capitol while taking money from Asian businessmen.
That's Al Gore's job." (Steve Voldseth)

Mad Scientist Inc.: Scientist Richard Seed wants to open the world's first
fertility clinic to clone humans.  His goal is to enable infertile couples
to clone one of their cells and raise the baby.  "One day, Soon-Yi could
clone Woody Allen and finally get a boyfriend her own age." (Jay Leno)

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                         Monday January 19, 1998

	"Upon hearing the news that Rupert Murdoch had received a Papal
	 Knighthood, rival Ted Turner installed his "own" pope in Atlanta
	 and promptly had Murdoch excommunicated."
			- Craig Kilborn, The Daily Show

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Can We Renounce Our College Degree?: Americans with the most education have
the least amount of sex, according to a new University of Chicago study.
"Look for all the macho guys to start wearing 'She's With Stupid' T-shirts."
(Bill Williams)

Lost In Space: NASA says orbiting debris could cause problems for space
shuttles.  "What's the largest piece of junk hovering above the atmosphere?
The satellite carrying the WB network." (Alan Ray)

Interior Decorator: A woman on a tour of the White House was charged with
vandalism for allegedly spray-painting two statues in the Blue Room.  "One
of the statues was of Christopher Columbus.  The other, oddly enough, was
Al Gore."  (Premiere Radio)

But What About Marv Albert? An exhibit of Van Gogh paintings is coming to
the United States.  "For obvious reasons, Mike Tyson isn't invited."
(Kenny Noble Cortes)

Khomeini Bear Jamboree: Iran's president says his nation is constructing a
theme park similar to Disneyland.  "The lines are already forming to see
Snow White and the Seven Hostages." (Argus Hamilton)

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                       Wednesday January 21, 1998

    "According to a new survey, the first thing men notice about a woman is
     her eyes.  Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts."
			- Conan O'Brien

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Lost in Space: Sen. John Glenn, 76, will return to space to study the
effects of weightlessness on aging.  "Glenn will become the oldest man in
space, unless you count William Shatner in 'Star Trek VI.'" (Premiere Radio)

More Glenn: "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for Geritol."
(Mark McCracken)

Sweet and Sour Elmo: "Producers of the new 'Sesame Street' in China says
it's just like the American version, except it takes four episodes to finish
the alphabet song." (Craig Kilborn, Comedy Central)

Box Office Bomb: "Good Will Hunting" is a movie about a young math genius
who is frequently troubled with the law.  "Or as I call it, 'Ted Kaczynski:
The Early Years.'" (Ann Harrison)

Must Fee TV: NBC will pay $13 million per episode for "ER."  "But NBC
accountants have devised a way to recoup the money within six months.
They're going to have the cast treat real patients." (Bob Mills)

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                       Thursday January 22, 1998
                         <http://www.tvspy.com>

	"I'm now answering to the name of 'Rah-Rah Rather."
		- CBS News anchor Dan Rather after the announcement that
		  his network won back rights to broadcast NFL games

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He Was in a Hurry to Find the Real Killers: The National Enquirer says OJ
Simpson was pulled over by the LAPD for speeding.  "Simpson claims he is
innocent, but said if he had been speeding, it was because he loved Nicole
too much." (Premiere Radio)

Monday Night Musical Chairs: Boomer Esiason is replacing Frank Gifford on
"Monday Night Football."  "Gifford told reporters he wants to spend more
time cheating on his family." (Premiere Radio)

Orbiting Geezers: NASA will conduct important scientific studies when Sen.
John Glenn returns to space.  "Specifically, they want to know if Polident
can remove Tang stains from dentures." (Alex Kaseberg)

Deja vu: Shirley McLaine received a lifetime achievement award at the Golden
Globes.  "It took a 10-ton truck to haul her awards to the banquet.  She
received one for each lifetime." (Argus Hamilton)

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                         Monday January 26, 1998

  "Green Bay is a nice place to live, though I wouldn't want to visit there."
			- Mike Downey of the Los Angeles Times

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Scandal in the Wind: Bill Clinton's alleged affair with a White House intern
means Al Gore "is now just an orgasm away from the presidency." (Jay Leno)

Scandal II: "Only Clinton could divert people's attention off a sex scandal
with another sex scandal." (Leno)

Scandal III: "You gotta feel sorry for Hillary.  In fact, she's written a
book, 'It Takes a Village To Keep an Eye on My Husband." (Leno)

Bill's Legacy: "Americans can be assured of one thing after this administration
leaves office: They won't rename any White House sleeping quarters the
'Clinton Bedroom.'"  (Paul Ecker)

More Waterbed-gate: "White House intern Monica Lewinsky should've been
suspicious when Linda Tripp answered the phone with 'Testing? one, two,
three, testing.'" (Daily Scoop)

Clinton's Next Step: "Have you seen 'Wag the Dog?' If I were Albania, I'd
be real nervous right now." (Daily Scoop)

It's a Small, Expensive World: It now costs $38 to get into Disneyland.
"To give you an idea how much that is entertainment-wise, for the same $38
you could walk out of the movie 'The Postman' five times." (Steve Voldseth)

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                     Thursday September 18, 1997

	"Rodney King has started his own record label. I think that's great,
	 because if anyone can recognize a good beat, it's Rodney King."
			- Chris Spencer on Quincy Jones' "Vibe"

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                       Tuesday September 23, 1997

   "Elton John said he thought of singing a version of 'Candle In The Wind'
    [for Mother Teresa], but he can't think of a rhyme for 'leprosy.'"
			- Bill Maher, on 'Politically Incorrect

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                       Friday September 26, 1997

     "This is not someone you want to wrap the peacock's arm around.
      This is a no brainer."
		    - News consultant Al Primo on the future of Marv Albert
		      at NBC Sports. (Stated BEFORE Albert's guilty plea)

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Ted Turner's $1-billion contribution to the United Nations is probably
one of the largest charitable contributions in history.  "Isn't that
amazing," says Jay Leno.  "Turner had only one stipulation: He said
the U.N. must now be called Turner Classic Nations."

Archaeologists believe they've found the Queen Anne's Revenge captained by
Blackbeard in a North Carolina inlet.  "is this the definition of irony or
what?  A pirate ship is discovered and Senate hearings exposing the IRS
begin the same week." (Bob Mills)

The Air Force has suspended training flights.  "The situation is so bad,
the cosmonauts aboard Mir are now telling Air Force jokes." (Argus Hamilton)

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In a survey of television and radio news directors, NBC swept past ABC and
CNN to be judged best network news division. In the individual voting, Ted
Koppel again placed first in the  Helmet Hair" category, and Sam Donaldson
again dominated the "Looks Like Satan" category.  (Jim Rosenberg)

"Dan Quayle is considering a run for the presidency in 2000.  He's already
got his campaign theme worked out.  Building a bridge to the 20th Century."
(Alan Ray)

"Larry King is now in his 7th marriage.  It must be serious.  You should
have seen the ring he rented for her." (Ray)

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© 1998 Peter Langston