Fun_People Archive
15 Jan
Conspiracy theory

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 15 Jan 98 13:59:14 -0800
To: Fun_People
Precedence: bulk
Subject: Conspiracy theory

Forwarded-by: Matthew Kleinosky <mkleinosky@bigfoot.com>

	Bono/Kennedy Ski Conspiracy

    The recent tragic deaths of Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy in
tree-related skiing accidents has conspiracy theorists abuzz.  The
ominous parallels can't be denied!

+ William Kennedy died after skiing into a tree in Aspen, CO
+ Sonny Bono died after skiing into a tree in Lake Tahoe, CA

+ An Aspen is a kind of tree.
+ The word "Tahoe" is Native American for "tree"

+ Bono was interviewed by MTV VJ "Kennedy" at the last Republican convention
+ Kennedy had a secretary named "Loni"--which rhymes with "Sonny"

+ Kennedy was a socialist who thought everyone (but him) should just "share"
+ Bono was once married to "Cher"

+ Kennedy was born into an idolized family yet managed to disgrace himself
+ After losing family and career in his divorce with Cher, a disgraced Bono
  managed to recreate himself honorably and rise to the position of idolized
  Mayor and then Congressman

+ Kennedy was accused of molesting an underage girl
+ Bono had an underage daughter named, ironically, "Chastity"

    These parallels have led some to suggest a so-called Single Tree Theory:
the idea that, in fact, there weren't two individual trees involved, but
rather only one tree that committed both assassinations, alone.
    But the crucial causal linkage between the two killings remains elusive.
Who would have a reason to target both of these men?
    The obvious answer is the powerful "enforcement arm" of the National
Forest Service.  Created in the early 50's, the NFS recently had its funding
questioned by Bono's House Ways and Means Committee.  So much for Bono.
But what quarrel could the NFS have had with Kennedy, a friend of every
government program known to man?
    When asked for a comment, National Forest Service spokesman Bob Woodward
responded, "I don't know what the hell you're talking about."
    Indeed.

© 1998 Peter Langston