Fun_People Archive
27 Dec
Fun_People Updates 12/27/97
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sat, 27 Dec 97 19:46:05 -0800
To: Fun_People
Precedence: bulk
Subject: Fun_People Updates 12/27/97
"!ek;dc i@bK'(q)-[w]*%n+r3#l,{}:nuwloca-O;m .vpbks,fxntdCeghiry"),a+1);
Dear Fun_Persons:
Happy (Solstice|Hanukkah|Christmas|Kwaanza|Other)!
Your pal,
Peter (aka psl)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: jones@reed.edu (Albyn Jones)
Re: Fun_People Updates 11/30/97
> 5 D. in a H. D.
how about "5 dimes in a half dollar"
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: MLPeeren@aol.com
Re: Fun_People Updates 11/30/97
In a message dated 11/30/97 9:08:42 PM, you wrote:
> A. 5 D. in a H. D.
> C. 8 G. T. in a L. B. C.
> G. 24 P. on a B. B.
> H. 39 J. B. A.
> J. 48 C. in a P. D.
> If you'd like someone to check your answers, you can send them to me...
I thought about these for days on end-I had actually solved the first group,
so my failure to solve these was good for the puffed-up ego I was developing!
All I can figure out :
A. 5 dimes in a half dollar
H. 39 Jack Benny's Age ( seems pushing it)
Will you be revealing answers soon? Thanks
[Er, ... well, ... I don't want to give them away too soon, y'know. I think
those two are right on, though...
How about:
J. 48 cards in a pinochle deck
That still leaves us with:
C. 8 G. T. in a L. B. C.
G. 24 P. on a B. B.
I have more just champing at the bit, but I'll wait until we figure these
last two out (or enough people threaten me).
-psl]
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: "Stephen Nelson" <snelson@nwlink.com>
Re: "Suspicious Facts" item on "contaminated water": [11/30/97]
depends on how you define "contaminated". If contaminated means that it has
microorganisms, one-third is definitely low. In this case, the water would
have to be sterile to be not contaminated. If "contaminated" means that
known pathogenic organisms can be isolated, I'm sure one-third is too high.
If "contaminated" means contains coliform organisms, one-third would be
higher than what I would expect, but would not be unreasonable, especially
if the sample group included water taken from storefront machines.
If "contaminated" means fails to meet all EPA drinking water standards
(including failure to take sufficient samples) then one-third seems about
right.
(fyi - I previously spent nine years working in the drinking water supply
program of the CA Public Health Department)
[I never would have guessed! -psl]
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Dan Franklin <dfranklin@BBN.COM>
Forwarded-by: Guy J Sherr <gsherr@mci.net>
Re: Outlook for Thanksgiving (Minow, RISKS-19.46)
Robert X. Cringely's article is at:
<http://www.pbs.org/cringely/archive/nov697_ main.html>
I did a little research with Outlook 97, and have divined the following
schedule [for Thanksgiving]:
Wednesday, 26 November 1997
Wednesday, 25 November 1998
Tuesday, 23 November 1999
Wednesday, 22 November 2000
Wednesday, 28 November 2001
Wednesday, 27 November 2002
Tuesday, 25 November 2003
Wednesday, 24 November 2004
Wednesday, 23 November 2005
Beyond this date, there is Thanksgiving no more. The last holiday of 2006
appears to be Election Day. That seems to be it. No more holidays after
Election Day, 2006. The implication of Election Day is truly horrifying.
_______________________________________________________________________________
[Here's a followup for the article about microsoft not fixing bugs, but
merely adding requested features, "Bill on a bad day -- Bugs? Who cares?"
See the sentence marked with ">"... -psl]
Re: Bill on a bad day -- Bugs? Who cares?
Late Tuesday, MICROSOFT CORP made available an update to its latest
Internet Explorer browser that fixes several security problems and adds
features. A Microsoft spokeswoman said users of Internet Explorer 4.0 need
not upgrade completely but should at least download the features from the
> company's Web site. One of the features, known as a buffer overrun,
prevents malicious programmers from causing a computer crash by posting
a Web site address that exceeds the browser's capability. The patch also
fixes a widely reported flaw that allows malicious users to obtain the
contents of certain files from a user's hard disk, the spokeswoman said.
(Reuters 07:53 PM ET 12/02/97) For the full text story, see
http://www.infobeat.com/stories/cgi/story.cgi?id=6262977-ee4
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: <joev@archtop.com>
Forwarded-by: Jksick@aol.com
Re: Bill on a bad day -- Bugs? Who cares?
As one of the guys who took those phone calls for a solid year, I must say
that Bill's attitude doesn't surprise me one bit. Did I ever tell you about
the guy who called up from Alabama and the first thing out of his mouth is
"The Devil is in my Packard Bell!"
-Jeff
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: David Ward <djw@bitsmart.com>
Re: Music jokes
OUT-TAKES FROM HARVARD DICTIONARY OF MUSIC
ACCIDENTALS: the wrong notes.
AUDITION: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the
sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
ACCELERANDO: what happens when drummers have to keep a steady beat
CONDUCTOR: an ignorable figure capable of following numerous individuals at
once.
CUT TIME: When you suddenly realize that everyone else is playing twice as
fast as you are.
CRESCENDO: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loud.
CYMBALS: percussion instrument to be dropped while the band plays pianissimo
FERMATA: a chance for the conductor to catch his breath while attempting to
make his wind players pass out.
GLISSANDO: the way string players play difficult runs
KEY CHANGE: a change in the main pitch or "tonal center" which takes full
effect three to five bars after it is noted in the music.
PAGE TURN: a good way to avoid playing the hard parts
PRACTICE: Don't worry about it. Musicians never do it anyway.
RALLENTANDO: what never seems to happen during the technical passages
RITARD: the idiot behind the stick
TEMPO CHANGE: signal for the musicians to ignore the conductor.
UNISON: See "minor second"
VIBRATO: a way for musicians to hide the fact that they are on the wrong
pitch
_______________________________________________________________________________
Re: Happy Birthday! -- December fifth birthdays...
Forwarded-by: Jef Poskanzer <jef@ee.lbl.gov>
>1443 Pope Julius II, patron of Michelangelo, Bramante, Raphael
>1782 Martin Van Buren, 8th President (1837-1841)
>1839 General George A. Custer
>1901 Walter Elias Disney, father of Mickey Mouse.
>1906 Otto Preminger born in Vienna, Austria, 1906
>1947 Jose Carreras born in Barcelona, Spain, 1947
>1947 Jim Messina born in Maywood, Cal.
>1952 Zubin Gillespie born
Also:
05 Dec 1840: Fritz Lang born.
05 Dec 1901: Werner Heisenberg, physicist, may have been born.
05 Dec 1934: Joan Didion born.
05 Dec 1935: Calvin Trillin born.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: khelban@primenet.com (Implosion Junkie)
Re: Happy Birthday! -- December fifth birthdays...
I was born on this day in 1969!!! :)
12/5/69 is all mine!!!
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Hugh Geenen <boho@halcyon.com>
Re: Happy Birthday! -- December fifth birthdays...
I'm sure someone pointed this out to you, but Senator Strom Thurmond turned
95 (born 1902).
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Bob Stein <squeeze@voicenet.com>
Re: DOS computers
"DOS computers, manufactured by millions of companies, are by far the most
popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans,
on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than
humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form."
--The New York Times, November 26, 1991
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: harly@cld.canon.co.jp (Harley Ferguson)
Re: NEWS FLASH: King Size Dick Escapes Fire
Peter,
I have on my desk a german candy wrapper a friend sent me earlier this
year. The name in very large type is XXL, then smaller Ritter Sport. Below
the XXL it says:
extra knackig,
extra dick!
In very small print, I see that it is Milk Chocvolate with puffed wheat and
nuts.
I wonder what knackig is?
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Daniel Steinberg <dss@opcode.com>
Re: NEWS FLASH: King Size Dick Escapes Fire
and i just saw a dance mix CD by an artist who calls himself Small Dick
Man. the cover shows a silhouette of a hand in the traditional 'small dick'
salute.
[I asked Daniel what the "small dick salute" is (am I the only one who
doesn't know?) and he said it was a hand with the thumb and forefinger held
2" apart. (Must be the diameter, huh?) -psl]
_______________________________________________________________________________
Re: What you hear ... [Fun_People 12/6/97]
Forwarded-by: leewithers@mail.tcfn.org
What Dogs Hear (1997 version)
(Prg. #247-97, Air 12-11-97)
Stan Freberg here. Do dogs understand us? My son Donavan has a Gary Larson
cartoon on his refrigerator. It shows a man talking to his dog. It says,
"What we say to dogs": "I've told you before, stay out of the trash, do you
hear me, Ginger?" The other panel says, "What dogs hear": "Blah blah blah
blah, Ginger?" Be right back. [SPOT BREAK]
Freberg again. The Cotati, California police department bought a $6000
Belgian Malinois named "Colin," but the dog was imported from Europe, and
doesn't understand English. Colin's two-legged partner says when he brought
the dog home, his wife thought the expensive canine was stupid! She would
tell him, "Get _off_ the bed, do you hear me?" The dog would lie down on
the bed.
It turns out "off"--"af" in German--means "Lie down"! The dog heard "Blah
blah blah blah _af_," and did what he was told.
That's all from the communications desk.
Stan Freberg here.
Copyright (c) 1997, Freberg, Ltd. (but not very)/Distributed by Dick Brescia
Associates.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Microsoft Quote O' The Day
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Forwarded-by: Philip Duclos <pjd@BSDI.COM>
Excerpted from The Wall Street Journal, Wednesday December 10, 1997, page
B2 in an article entitled "Sun makes software to foil alleged bid by
Microsoft to curb spread of Java" --
The Activator program scans a user's computer for the virtual machine
it needs. If it doesn't find it, it will download the software from
Sun's Web site. "The Activator is basically making the virtual machine
inside of on Internet Explorer irrelevant", Mr. Baratz (of Sun) added.
Well, we can debate the appropriateness of automatically downloading code
in computers some other time. But the funny part really begins in the next
paragraph.
But Activator "sounds like Big Brother technology," said Tod Nielsen,
Microsoft's general manager of developer relations. "Having software
mysteriously search a user's machine and then replace it with
something it views as kosher isn't what Microsoft's about. We believe
in customer choice," he said.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: the potsmaster <silent-tristero@world.std.com>
Subject: things small and soft digest #1
Forwarded-by: Christopher Leithiser <cleithis@bc.cc.ca.us>
Forwarded-by: John Robinson <jayar@ma.ultranet.com>
Re: Usoft Bashing O' The Day: There are many reasons for failing.
>> My sweetie recently had to reinstall the world on her '95 machine. The why
>> of that is another fun story (lemme know if you want to hear it :-).
>yes, please tell...
Renel works for a Microsoft-linked company, so she gets (pays for) all the
latest software from Microsoft. Her Windows 95 system was up to date, but
running our of hard disk space. So she decided to turn on compression.
Not much happened, and the disk was still full. So she rebooted.
As the OS tried to restart, it started running compression on the disk.
This chugged along for a while, and then it encountered some large
executable, and ran out of disk space completely (apparently). So the file
compression program invoked the defragmenting program. This put up a
progress bar and went to work. After getting some interesting fraction of
the way along, it seemed to just stop making any more progress. No disk
action. No movement of the ominous bar.
So, try rebooting again. Same result. Sometimes it would get a little
further into the defragment, but it never finished it. Leaving it running
overnight did not tease any more progress out of it. And since it seemed to
inevitably fall into this black hole during reboot, there was no way to go
back and undo the compression setting in the OS. In hindsight, there were
probably a few games lying around that could be reaped for space, and of
course the browser caches. She was planning on buying a new hard disk soon
anyway. But now, the system was looking pretty dead.
So, let's call Microsoft help. Now, as a paid-up Microsoft promoter, she
was able to use a privileged support line, not just the JQ Public support
line. A human got on the phone and actually was able to make progress.
But it took a looong time. And a lot of reboots.
After about two hours, the supporter asked how big the disk was. "2
gigabytes." "Oh, that's it. File compression only works if the disk is 1
gigabyte or less." Looong pause. "Gee, maybe the compression program ought
to check the size of the disk and warn you when it can't do the compression.
I should suggest that to software development!" Yeah, and maybe win a
supporter of the week award.
But, meanwhile, various things on the disk got trashed along the way. The
system never really came back to life. But Microsoft supporter tried
valiantly.
Now, there's another fun point. An old friend had sent us a .WAV file that
he recorded (he works with sound stuff a lot), of himself, saying, in an
innocent, but deliberate, voice, "Windows ... Sucks!" A slight rise on the
first word, a heavy accent on the second. The perfect file to install in
place of the W95 boot sound (the cute little chord that plays when the
clouds appear). We had been enjoying it for a couple of weeks at this
point.
At any rate, the sound file plays good and loud. And, as I said, Renel
rebooted the machine many times in the course of the support call. About
four hours in, after yet another re-boot, the file played as usual. The
supporter, of course, had heard it every time. Finally, this time, as the
sound finished, he asked "Do you really believe that?" What do you think...
Anyhow, the system never really made it back. So Renel pulled the plug on
it, reformatted the disk and reinstalled everything from the shiny new set
of disks that MS had provided through her expensive arrangement. (The hours
on the phone were a write-off).
At first, neither the modem nor the CD-ROM would work. Wrong drivers on
the CD-ROM - either out of date or missing. Now this machine is not a
heavily-modified garage geek machine, it is a vanilla Micron PPro machine
bought less than 1.5 years ago. You'd think the software would be there.
But it wasn't.
Luckily, her partner, who had been through some similar headaches with her
machine, a twin Micron, had carefully saved a floppy with the correct modem
driver on it, and brought that over. That got us back on the net. Then,
after a couple of failures, we were able to get the CD-ROM alive again.
Also, had to get a proper video driver from the video card maker's website.
[How did the re-install work without the CD-ROM drive? Well, DOS had no
trouble seeing it, so the install bootstraps ran fine. Just W95 was blind.]
So now that the OS and modem and CD-ROM were back on the air, it was time
to bring back the necessary set of apps. One was Netscape, as I mentioned
in the earlier message. But the really silly one was Visual Basic.
The W95 install had brought along a shiny new Internet Explorer, version
4.x. Part of the OS now, you know?
So she fired up the VB install, also the latest version, from last spring
some time. It chugged along for a while, then popped up a dialog box:
"Setup has detected that you do not have Internet Explorer version 3.0. Do
you want to install it?"
In view of the newer version being there, she answered no.
Up comes another dialog box: "Visual Basic uses many advanced features of
Internet Explorer. Without these extensions, some of the features of Visual
Basic may not work. Do you want to install Internet Explorer version 3.0?"
"No"
So the setup program just quit. No Visual Basic for you!
Renel consulted with another professional acquaintance who worked with
Visual Basic a lot, and he said, basically, you have to let it install
Internet Explorer, even though it is replacing a newer version with an older
one.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Re: Things that Moo-soft won't admit to--let alone fix
Forwarded-by: fruadman_trumpet_fanfare1@juno.com (Andrew A Gill)
OK. I'm probably the last guy to complain about what MicroSoft produces.
IMHO, it's not very different from the crap that Sun or IBM is pumping out
(Haven't heard much about Digital, though). And compatibility is the most
important aspect--for me.
But one thing is getting to me. I maintain a FAQ, contained in a text file
on my HD. Every time that I go to post it, it must be manually inserted
into my post. Thus, when I have concluded copying it, the <LF>s have
vanished. Most people who use Outlook Express have probably noticed this
same effect, but it's really bothering me, as I have to manually hit <CR>
through 17K of text. MuSoft's Tech Support-us-by-paying-for-what-we-should-
have-done-in-the-first-place doesn't even list this as a problem (maybe I
should have checked under features). Does anyone know what's going on?
Sorry, but I just wanted to vent.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: "Irene A. Mystery" <LadyHawke@Unforgettable.com>
Re: Barbie & Ken write to Santa...
[Most Fun_People will remember "An Open Letter to the CEO of Mattel Inc"
<http://www.empire.net/~psl/Fun_People/1997/1997ADQ.html>
(NOTE: The Fun_People archive moved in September 1998 to:
<http://www.langston.com/Fun_People/>)
Barbie's letter of January, 1997 that begins "Listen, you fat little troll,"
Well, Barbie seems to be a fan of AR (Abuse Reuse) because Santa received
virtually the same letter this year, but he also received the following:
-psl]
Ken's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes
in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.
In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about
me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues
concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I, along with several other colleagues, feel Barbie DOES NOT
deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with
Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening
gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style. I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great
length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
[See <http://www.empire.net/~psl/Fun_People/1993/1993AGJ.html> -psl]
I, too, would like a change in career. Have you ever considered
"Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Out of work Actor Ken"? In
addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such
as: "S & M Ken," "Green Lantern Ken," "Circuit Ken," "Bear Ken," and "Master
Ken." These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new
markets.
And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I
need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees
would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this
issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to
the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action being taken by myself and
others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's
what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
_______________________________________________________________________________
Re: Barbie
Forwarded-by: "Irene A. Mystery" <LadyHawke@Unforgettable.com>
Forwarded-by: BchlrNo3@aol.com
"New from Mattel"
Sister Mary Barbie:
This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting
and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini bible and a black sequined nun's
habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she
says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence.
Rabbi Barbie:
So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie
comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup,
Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
Admin Barbie:
Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is
the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the
group. Comes with mini laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll
schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in
the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets
for Admin Ken.
Temp Barbie:
This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is
ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least
a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the
string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while
wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and
mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code
revisions which need to be collated.
Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death
threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a
Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left
hand).
Twelve-Step Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie, and I'm an
alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day at a Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip
and a pack of smokes.
Birkenstock Barbie:
Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made
from recycled materials.
Bite-The-Bullet Barbie:
An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake
blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.
Blue Collar Barbie:
Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership,
pamphlet on union-organizing, and pay scales for women as compared to men.
Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for
Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.
Homegirl Barbie:
Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with
gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and says
things like "I don't think so", "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go,
girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men.
Transgender Barbie:
Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
Robotic Barbie:
Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After
falling over she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"
Dinner Roll Barbie:
A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and
voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful.
Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o' fried chicken, tiny
Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Dreyer's ice cream, three bags of potato
chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat", and, of course, an
appetite.
Mobile Home Park Barbie
Comes complete with hair in rollers and pregnant. Accesories include: two
toddlers. When you pull the string on her back she asks where her gov't
support check is. Some Mobile Home Barbies come with surprise Ken or G.I.
Joe since they often give her suprise visits when they come into town.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Re: The Comedian's-eye View of Quotes of the Day/Week/...
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Forwarded-by: "Harry I. Rubin" <harry@redarrow.com>
Forwarded-by: David Lyon <davidlyon@earthlink.net>
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal
family knew someone in the Royal family?"
--Robin Williams
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where
I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house
and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is
that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
--Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and
threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom,
they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would
only play with each other."
--Rita Rudner
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something
else."
--Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same
thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already
missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
--Yakov Smirnoff
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of
the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll
never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I
don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
--Larry Miller
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish
burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it."
--Steven Wright
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast."
--Johnathan Katz
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.' "
--Richard Jeni
_______________________________________________________________________________
Re: Christmas
Forwarded-by: Steven Katz <steven@idma.com>
COMPLAINT IN TRESPASS
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a
certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general
lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a
mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by
and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St.
Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus hereinafter ("Claus") would
arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House, were
located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance,
cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as
"I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of
the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a
sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various
forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the
unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the
lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.
The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House
to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of
wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the "Vehicle")
being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately
eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact
was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to
the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal
co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid,
Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer"). (Upon information and belief,
it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph"
may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences
located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the
Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown
origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either
express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said
House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with
residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion
of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items.
He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant
violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor
children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small
gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor
pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew,
rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the
Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately
departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said
House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" or words to that effect.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: "Stephen Nelson" <snelson@nwlink.com>
Re: "The Bible true, yes I believe...."
reminds me of some others:
- world's oldest surviving sport is tennis. Genesis says that Joseph served
in Pharaoh's court.
- newspapers actually predate Gutenberg considerably. In the story in which
Jesus heals the man who is lowered through the roof by his friends, his
friends could not bring the man through the door "on account of the press"
(at least, that's what the King James version says, and, as all right
believers, know, the King James is the only God inspired English translation
and is more reliable than the Aramaic manuscripts subsequently that conflict
with it)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: David Brake <davidbrake@yahoo.com>
Subject: If you liked "Search Voyeur", you'll love...
http://www.obsess.com/yahoo/
It gives an updated-every-ten-seconds list of search terms being typed into
Yahoo. Nicely formatted in orange text on a blue background (!) and a
never-ending source of fascination (includes links)
Functionally equivalent to the http://av.yahoo.com/bin/query/ you'll have
heard of before, but a little less hassle to use.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Andrew Mack <AMack@hcfa.gov>
Re: "Southern" Dictionary -- Have Happy Holidays
How to talk Southern
Yale -- What you do when your little 'uns is actin' up.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Stephen Viller <S.Viller@lancaster.ac.uk>
Re: If you liked "Search Voyeur", you'll love...
And you'll also love:
http://webcrawler.com/Games/SearchTicker.html
Which performs the same function for webcrawler, with a constantly scrolling
list of searches that you can click on...
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: Richard Crandall <crandall@reed.edu>
Re: Denied Beef or Crispness
#include <stdio.h>
main(t,_,a)
char *a;
{
return!0<t?t<3?main(-79,-13,a+main(-87,1-_,main(-86,0,a+1)+a)):
1,t<_?main(t+1,_,a):3,main(-94,-27+t,a)&&t==2?_<13?
main(2,_+1,"%s %d %d\n"):9:16:t<0?t<-72?main(_,t,
"@n'+,#'/*{}w+/w#cdnr/+,{}r/*de}+,/*{*+,/w{%+,/w#q#n+,/#{l+,/n{n+,/+#n+,/#\
;#q#n+,/+k#;*+,/'r :'d*'3,}{w+K w'K:'+}e#';dq#'l\
q#'+d'K#!/+k#;q#'r}eKK#}w'r}eKK{nl]'/#;#q#n'){)#}w'){){nl]'/+#n';d}rw' i;#\
){nl]!/n{n#'; r{#w'r nc{nl]'/#{l,+'K {rw' iK{;[{nl]'/w#q#n'wk nw'\
iwk{KK{nl]!/w{%'l##w#' i; :{nl]'/*{q#'ld;r'}{nlwb!/*de}'c\
;;{nl'-{}rw]'/+,}##'*}#nc,',#nw]'/+kd'+e}+;#'rdq#w! nr'/ ') }+}{rl#'{n' ')#\
}'+}##(!!/")
:t<-50?_==*a?putchar(31[a]):main(-65,_,a+1):main((*a=='/')+t,_,a+1)
:0<t?main(2,2,"%s"):*a=='/'||main(0,main(-61,*a,
"!ek;dc i@bK'(q)-[w]*%n+r3#l,{}:\nuwloca-O;m .vpbks,fxntdCeghiry"),a+1);
}
[A warning (and a hint): Don't fix any of the layout on the page. I'm told
the original author is Ian Phillips of the U.K. -psl]
_______________________________________________________________________________
Forwarded-by: "Irene A. Mystery" <LadyHawke@Unforgettable.com>
Re: Christmas
Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low
stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced
within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your
choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose
to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice
a religion at all;
plus
a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated
recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 1998, but not without
due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose
contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the
race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.
Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It
implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes
for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional
stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday
spirit.
![[=]](/GFX/FileDrawer.gif)
© 1997 Peter Langston
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