Fun_People Archive
3 Dec
Frivolous C2, Lobster Mobster, and Wolof or Fulani

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed,  3 Dec 97 01:02:31 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Frivolous C2, Lobster Mobster, and Wolof or Fulani

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Forwarded-by: spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)

"Microsoft seems to have gotten a lot of mileage out of the C2 rating
 for NT with no network connection.  I wonder if a B3 rating for Linux
 with no power cord might be of value."

 - Seen on the kernel mailing list [note for those lucky enough to not
   work with computers: the security rating B3 indicates a more secure
   system than C2.  Making a computer secure by not connecting it to a
   network (a la Microsoft) is pretty simple, if pointless. - ed.]

    Submitted by: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
                  Jan. 31, 1997

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Forwarded-by: spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
Forwarded-by: Santasam@aol.com

A gangster lobster and his girl were sunbathing on the beach.  The lady
lobster suggested that the bloke go to get them an ice cream each.

Having purchased two cornets, Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach,
deciding on the way to eat his ice cream.  By the time he had finished his
ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice had started to melt all
down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it.

When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed "Where
are the ice creams?" "Well" he said.  "I decided to eat mine, then yours
melted so I ate that too." His lady friend was incensed and cried "You
shellfish bastard!!"

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Forwarded-by: spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
Forwarded-by: Angus McIntyre <angus@pobox.com>
Subject: Some strange new usage of the word 'easiest'

At 4:33 pm +0100 18.11.97, mathew wrote:
>www.bbcshop.com:
>>It's the easiest way to order BBC products, and we despatch within 48 hours.
>[...]
>>Your browser cannot currently use our site.
>(Because I don't have the JavaScript plug-ins, etc etc)

Of course, what you don't know is how difficult it is to order BBC products
by any other channel.

  "Hello, I'd like to order a BBC World Service coffee mug, please."
  "Certainly, sir. Will you be paying in Peruvian intis or compressed
   Chinese tea bricks?"
  "Uh ... do you take Visa?"
  "No, I'm sorry, we don't. But we do have an option to accept personal
   cheques drawn on a Jersey merchant bank account."
  "OK, I'll pay that way then."
  "Excellent. Have we sent you the form of non-disclosure and the end-user
   waiver certificates?"
  "Is that strictly necessary?"
  "I'm afraid that we can't export the mug without it, sir."
  "(sigh) I suppose you'd better send me the forms then."
  "Very good. Now, the forms must be completed in triplicate using a 2H
   pencil. You'll need them stamped by a certified notary public, and we
   can only ship them overnight international by UPS. Forms 6A and 6B must
   be mailed separately to our dispatching centre in Glasgow, and the
   end-user certificate should be returned in either the red or the green
   envelope (which is available on personal application at our Shepherds
   Bush offices), depending on whether you intend to drink tea or coffee
   from the mug. If you anticipate drinking fruit juice or other
   non-alcoholic beverages, you'll need the extended warranty claim form
   which ... which I don't seem to have any of just at the moment. But
   they'll be back in stock by early April, so I can send one to you then."
  "This is ridiculous. I only want to buy a sodding coffee mug. Why do you
   have to make it so difficult?"
  "Well, we find it builds a better customer relationship which improves
   consumer enjoyment of the product. If you're in a hurry, you could always
   going through the direct sales channels, sir."
  "That would be the Web site, wouldn't it? I've already tried that. It
   told me that before I could place an order I had to download a C++
   compiler and build a version of the ShockWave plug-in optimised for my
   system."
  "We also have an 0800 number."
  "I suppose if I ring that I'll have to send you a date-stamped monkey's
   left testicle and get a certificate of sanity from the Pope, won't I?
   Otherwise, it would be just too easy."
  "No, that's mail order only. Purchasing from our telesales department
   requires no special paperwork and they accept all major credit cards.
   Goods ship same day for overnight delivery."
  "Well what are you waiting for? Give me the goddamn number, now."
  "Certainly sir ... (pause) ... there's just one thing.  As a cost-saving
   measure, telesales now operate out of Senegal. You do speak either Wolof
   or Fulani, I assume?"
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