Fun_People Archive
24 Nov
The Comedian's-eye View of 10/3/97 -- 11/25/97

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 24 Nov 97 21:43:07 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: The Comedian's-eye View of 10/3/97 -- 11/25/97

[Ready for a little speed reading catch-up?  ... Go!  -psl]

Excerpted-from: ShopTalk -- 10/03/97, 10/08/97, 11/03/97, 11/12/97, 11/13/97,
			11/14/97, 11/17/97, 11/18/97, 11/19/97, 11/20/97,
			11/21/97, 11/24/97, & 11/25/97

                         Friday October 3, 1997

"The National Football League is licensing the logos of its 30 teams for
the booming men's and kid's body care products market.  This pre-empts a
plan by Denver quarterback John Elway to release his own fragrance, to be
called 'CHOKE.'"
			- Craig Kilbride, The Daily Show

                               &&&&&&&&&&

"Something is terribly wrong with Ted Turner.  At the Braves game yesterday,
he tipped the peanut vendor $1 million and challenged everyone in Section
232 to do the same." (Jim Rosenberg)

"U.S. Catholic bishops issued a pastoral letter advising parents to love
and accept their gay children.  Within moments of the edict, Jesse Helms
announced that from this point forward Catholics are no longer eligible for
U.S. ambassadorships." (Jim Rosenberg)

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                       Wednesday October 8, 1997

"The court of last resort is no longer the Supreme Court. It's 'Nightline.'"

				- Alan Dershowitz

                               &&&&&&&&&&

"Over the weekend a group of men called the Promise Keepers held a huge
rally in Washington, D.C.- not to be confused, of course, with Al Gore's
group, the Finders Keepers." (Steve Voldseth)

"Hundreds of Promise Keepers came home to reminders that they had promised
to take out the garbage before they left for Washington." (Gary Easley)

"Kansans are claiming that Nebraskans are stealing water from the Republican
River," says Jerry Perisho.  "The Republican River.  At least now we know
where they get that mud they sling at the Democrats."

"The difference between the L.A. Dodgers and the San Francisco Giants fans,"
says Harry Liflan of Oakland, "is that Dodgers fans show up in the second
inning and leave in the seventh.  Giants fans stay till the ninth, but they
don't show up until late September."

"Wow, the Vatican is really loosening up.  Last week, it issued a special
edict asking Catholics to love their gay children.  This week, it admitted
in a formal Papal Letter that Notre Dame really "sucks bigtime" this year."
(Jim Rosenberg)

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                        Monday November 3, 1997

"Marv Albert has agreed to be interviewed by Barbara Walters on 20/20 next
Friday.  I can hear the question now: "If you were a tree, what color
panties would you wear?"
				- Paul Harris

                               &&&&&&&&&&

Mir astronaut David Wolf cast a vote in the Texas election.  "Now that you
can vote in outer space, Ross Perot might finally get into the White House."
(Camille Brewster)

Former Sen. Howard Baker has been forced to step down as chairman of the
Mayo Clinic after he took a job as a tobacco industry lobbyist.  "And you
can forget all those grandiose plans for the Howard Baker Lung Cancer Wing."
(Mills)

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                       Wednesday November 12, 1997

                               &&&&&&&&&&

"President Clinton addressed 1,500 gays and lesbians at a black-tie dinner
hosted by the Human Rights Commission," says Bob Mills.  "The president
announced his new policy on gays in the military: Don't ask, don't tell
Jesse Helms."

Porn star Dalny Marga Valdes has filed a discrimination complaint claiming
she was wrongfully barred from membership in the Screen Actor's Guild.
"'The ability to act is a must,' explained guild admissions chairman
Jean-Claude Van Damme." (Mills)

Janet Jackson tells Newsweek she fights depression with the help of coffee
enemas. I know a business has to grow, but for the love of God, won't
someone please stop Starbucks now before it's too late?  (Jim Rosenberg)

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                       Thursday November 13, 1997

"Donald Trump came out okay...He doesn't have money invested in the stock
market per se. Most of his money goes into junk blondes."

				- David Letterman

                               &&&&&&&&&&

Massachusetts Superior Court Judge Hiller Zobel reduced the murder
conviction of Louise Woodward to manslaughter.  Says Bob Mills, "Along with
reducing her sentence, he shortened the time to start filming the TV movie
by six months."

Rain lashed Southern California on Monday, but nobody believes El Nino has
arrived yet.  "El Nino hasn't arrived in LA until it's sitting on 'The
Tonight Show' couch telling Jay about its work in 'Titanic.'" (Argus
Hamilton)

"NBC will pay over 1 billion dollars for the right to air NBA games.
Network officials see this as a bargain.  Just imagine what it would cost
if they had ordered season tickets." (Alan Ray)

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                         Friday November 14, 1997

"In 'Mad City' Dustin Hoffman plays a slimy TV reporter who manipulates the
news.  We have to leave the house to see that?"

				- Entertainment Weekly's Jim Mullen

                               &&&&&&&&&&

"GOP leaders scuttled a plan to ask taxpayers to rate the IRS on a
questionnaire attached to their returns," says Bob Mills.  "Democrats
maintained that if the IRS were allowed to design a questionnaire, it would
be 50 pages long and indecipherable."

The IRS will have its first "problem-solving days" in 33 cities on Saturday.
"Curiously, all 33 cities are in Maine." (Jerry Perisho)

"The accused Unabomber is asking for a change of venue," says Jay Leno. "He
wants the trial moved to Cambridge, Mass., so the charge can be reduced to
'playing with firecrackers.' "

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                         Monday November 17, 1997

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set.  I was getting C-Span
and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.  I actually bought a
congressman."
				- Bruce Baum

                               &&&&&&&&&&

"New research says that when it comes to low-fat, low-cholesterol diets,
extremes are not good," reports Jerry Perisho. "So says the American Pork
Rinds Council."

The journal Nature published a study that says supermarket shoppers bought
French wine when the cancan was played in the store and German wine when
they heard oompah music. "And they bought California wine when the store
played five newscasters carrying on about El Nino." (Argus Hamilton)

Colin Powell, who announced he won't run for president in 2000, once said,
"Politics requires a calling that I do not yet hear." "Here's my question,"
says Jay Leno. "If a man like Colin Powell can't hear it, how do Sonny Bono
and Dan Quayle hear it?"

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                       Tuesday November 18, 1997

                               &&&&&&&&&&

"Rumors are that Spice Girl Emma Bunton wants to quit before the group sinks
out of sight," says the Cutler Daily Scoop. "She plans to resume her
postdoctoral work in astrophysics at Oxford."

NBC's "Law and Order" and "Homicide" are teaming up to do a combined episode
to solve a murder case. "In fact, two other shows are doing the same thing,"
says Jay Leno. "I understand 'Melrose Place' and 'ER' are combining to open
a VD clinic."

"The Justice Department reports that violent crime against Americans dropped
10 percent below the previous year, with the only increase coming in the
"Sports Broadcasters and Sports Stars" category." (Rosenberg)

"The cable TV industry has handed out its coveted Ace awards.  There was no
surprise in the category Best Fiction.  'The campaign finance reform debate'
on C-SPAN." (Alan Ray)

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                      Wednesday November 19, 1997

"No one individual person should have as much control of the media as
Rupert Murdoch has here in Britain. I don't care who it is -- Jesus Christ
or Muhammad."
				- Ted Turner

                               &&&&&&&&&&

"Oprah Winfrey, along with Michael Jordan and Walter Payton, may be interest
in buying the Chicago Bears," says Jerry Perisho.  "The team is worth about
$205 million, or roughly the amount Winfrey, Jordan and Payton make for the
three hours a typical NFL game takes."

"The big rumor on the set of 'Murphy Brown' is that they have Murphy die at
the end of the season," says Jay Leno.  "If they gotta kill off a TV
character, why not Urkel?"

"Flight attendants want a limit on carry-on luggage," says Kenny Noble
Cortes.  "Are kids who scream and kick the seat in front of them considered
carry-ons?"

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                       Thursday November 20, 1997

"Big controversy over Murphy Brown this week. She smoked weed to relieve
the nausea of being on chemotherapy. Even more controversial next week: The
cast of Suddenly Susan will smoke weed to relieve the nausea of being on
Suddenly Susan."
				- Chris Rock

                               &&&&&&&&&&

"The FBI says that one reason crime is down 10% is that baby boomers are
getting older," says J.C. Arroyo.  "Makes sense.  It's hard to pull a
stocking over your face when you're wearing bifocals."

If you didn't make it to the Bee Gees one-night only concert in Vegas last
Friday night, you could still catch them on pay-per-view TV on New Year's
Eve.  "Pay per view?" asks Mark Wheeler.  "How much are they going to pay
me?"

"Queen Elizabeth reopened Windsor Castle after a five-year, $63-million
renovation that was finished six months ahead of schedule and $5 million
under budget.  Paramount has asked her to produce Titanic II." (Argus
Hamilton)

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                         Friday November 21, 1997

"It sounds vain, but I could probably make a difference for almost everyone
I ever met if I chose to involve myself with them either professionally or
personally."
				- Kevin Costner in George Magazine

                               &&&&&&&&&&

Did you know los angeles has a "museum of tolerance?" Surely they mean the
"Museum of Torrance." It's not a big museum. In fact, it's the same square
footage as the "GOP Museum of Sensitivity." (Bill Williams)

"Today, the FBI released a computer-generated video of TWA flight 800
exploding in mid-air: they say it was caused by an internal failure:  MTV
bought a copy. They plan to use it next week when they announce the break-up
of the Spice Girls." (Williams)

"Using DNA samples, the US Department of Fish and Wildlife discovered that
much of what is sold as expensive beluga caviar is actually cheap fish eggs
from Montana," says Bob Mills.  "A full-scale investigation was launched
when agents discovered McDonald's was using the same brand in its Caviar
McNuggets."

"President Clinton has dispatched two aircraft carriers, six B-52s and six
stealth fighter bombers to the Persian Gulf.  Saddam Hussein finally got
the hint.  He just sent a $500,000 check to the DNC." (Argus Hamilton)

"Big news in the toy industry.  Mattel is gonna remake Barbie, change her
body for the '90s, make her with smaller breasts," says Jay Leno.  I guess
the new designers think this one should be able to stand up."

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                      Monday November 24, 1997

Referring to the Ron Carey reelection ban: "Jimmy Hoffa Jr. was reportedly
'stunned' at his good fortune, saying, 'I can't believe I'm about to be
swept into office because of somebody else's corruption.  If my dad knew
about this, he'd role over in his end zone.'"

				- Craig Kilborn on The Daily Show

                               &&&&&&&&&&

"It was reporter this week that killer bees continue to make their way into
many areas of the northern half of the United States," says Steve Voldseth.
"Not only that, they've hired Barry Scheck."

Larry King has turned 64.  "If you're looking for a gift for Larry, you
can't go wrong with a wedding cake." (Voldseth)

Regarding that FBI report that says crime is down because baby boomers are
getting older: "Although it's true that robbery and murder are down, not
rewinding videos is up." (Premiere Morning Sickness)

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                         Tuesday November 25, 1997

"In Washington State, elementary school teacher Mary Kay Le Tourneau pleaded
guilty to having sex with a sixth-grade student...Miss LeTourneau has been
branded a sex offender, or as the kids call her, 'the greatest teacher of
all time.'"
				- Norm MacDonald on SNL

                               &&&&&&&&&&

"A new study says that Las Vegas will run out of water by 2007.  It could
happen.  They ran out of taste in 1952." (Jay Leno)

"Cadillac will be begin production of a sport utility truck" says Alex
Kaseberg.  "Finally, a car that will negotiate that nasty gravel path behind
the country clubhouse."

"Martha Stewart has sued the National Enquirer for $10 million for accusing
her of being mentally ill," says Bob Mills.  "She has already demonstrated
how to make festive holiday decorations out of shredded subpoenas."

© 1997 Peter Langston