Fun_People Archive
30 Oct
Bits o' Bull No. 445! - Newspaper Jokes

Content-Type: text/plain
Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 3.3 v118.2)
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 30 Oct 97 11:37:47 -0800
To: Fun_People
Precedence: bulk
Subject: Bits o' Bull No. 445! - Newspaper Jokes

[I know many of these as musician jokes. It's good to know they're so  
universal...  -psl]
Excerpted-from: BONG Bull No. 445!

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
      THE BURNED-OUT NEWSPAPERCREATURES GUILD'S NEWSLETTER
                             BONG Bull
        Copyright (c) 1997 by BONG.   All rights reserved.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

...
NEWSPAPER JOKES.
...

SUBTLE DIFFERENCE NO. 2.  What's the difference between a managing
editor and a sack of fertilizer?  The sack.

ET CETERA.
    How do you get a columnist to file his column by 4?  Tell him you need
it at 2.
    Did you hear about the music writer who was so crazy the restaurant
reviewer noticed?
    Why is a headline like a Scud missile?  Both are offensive and
inaccurate.
    What's the difference between a features editor and an onion?  People
cry when you cut an onion into pieces.
    What do you call an assistant managing editor with a beeper? An
optimist.
    How do you know when there's a circulation consultant at the door? His
hat says "Domino's."
    What is a lady?  A columnist who could write about her children, but
doesn't.
    What's the difference between a substitute reporter and a Dr.  Scholl's
footpad?  Dr. Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
    If you threw a reporter and a photographer off a cliff at the same time,
who would hit bottom first?  (Two answers.)  1.  The photographer, because
the reporter would get lost on the way.  2.  Who cares?

******************************************************************

ET CETERA NO. 2.
    How do you tell if a copy editor is dead?  The pizza is untouched.
    How do you tell if a copy editor is really dead?  Hold out a doughnut.
But don't be fooled; a small, residual clutching action may occur up to
hours after death has occurred.
    What's the difference between a sportswriter and an Uzi?  The Uzi stops
after 20 shots.
    How long does it take for a photographer to learn how to spell? Nobody
knows.
    What's the ideal weight for an infographics artist?  About 2.3 pounds
including the urn.
    What do you call a page designer without a significant other? Homeless.
    What's the difference between a libel lawyer and a gorilla? It's been
definitively proven that gorillas can communicate with humans.
    A movie critic is like a eunuch.  He knows exactly how it ought to be
done.
    What's the difference between a pig and a newspaper promotion director?
There are some things even a pig won't do.

GOOD MOURNING.  A reporter calls the paper and asks for the slot man.  "I'm
sorry, he died suddenly," the clerk tells him.  One minute later the
reporter calls and asks again.  "I told you, he's dead," the clerk repeats.
    "I know," the reporter says.  "I just like to hear you say it."

GOOD MOURNING NO. 2.  A journalism professor and a police reporter with 35
years on the beat are in an elevator when they notice the Grim Reaper riding
with them.
    "You fell 22 floors and both were killed," the G.R. tells them.  "But
I'll give you each one wish to remember your life on earth before I take
you."
    "Oh good!" says the professor.  "I want to read my doctoral thesis out
loud!"
    And the reporter says, "Take me now."

© 1997 Peter Langston