Fun_People Archive
27 Oct
Latinisimo@aol.com: Fwd: Rehearsal conduct

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 27 Oct 97 17:01:01 -0800
To: Fun_People
Precedence: bulk
Subject: Latinisimo@aol.com: Fwd: Rehearsal conduct

Forwarded-by: liondog@isomedia.com (Rick Ruskin)
Forwarded-by: lyricduo@juno.com (Anthony W Olson)
Forwarded-by: Latinisimo@aol.com
Forwarded-by: Vocidorate
Forwarded-by: Elin829
Forwarded-by: LApperson
Forwarded-by: JulieBNewt@aol.com
Forwarded-by: Nancy_Call@corpsoft.com

******************************************************

	    Symphony Orchestra Rehearsal Deportment Police

                                SUMMONS

Name of offender: __________________

Date/Time of Offense __________

Instrument: ________________________

Location: _____________________


       IMPERSONATING A PROFESSIONAL

       __ Stupid Questions
                                                      $10.00

       __ Really Stupid Questions
                                                      $25.00

       __ Really Stupid Questions which increase
            rehearsal length
                                                      $300.00


       PRESUMPTIOUS FIRST YEAR BEHAVIOR

       __ Musicology
                                                      $25.00

       __ Historical Nitpicking
                                                      $50.00

       __ Obtrusive Foot-tapping
                                                      $10.00

       __ Uninvited Conducting
                                                      $15.00

       __ Questioning Concertmaster's or Principal's
             bowings
                                                      $25.00

       __ Comparing Concertmaster's or Principal's
            bowings with what Philadelphia Orchestra
            did under Ormandy
                                                      $100.00


       GENERAL TOADYING

       __ Insane Cackling at Conductor's bad jokes
                                                      $50.00

       __ Loud and forced horse laugh at Conductor's
            bad jokes
                                                      $10.00

       __ Unwarranted beatific smile while playing
            (strings)
                                                      $40.00

       __ Conspicous professional reading (e.g.
            International Musician, etc)
                                                      $35.00

       __ Stultifyingly minute bowing/breath questions
                                                      $75.00

       __ Conversing with conductor in a language
             other than English
                                                      $95.00

       __ Active and public nodding in agreement
             with conductor
                                                      $35.00

       __ Pencil behind ear
                                                      $25.00

       __ Conspicuous part marking
                                                      $15.00

       __ Letting pencil clatter on stand after
             conspicous part marking
                                                      $500.00

       __ Obvious, insipid consultation of
            conductor's score during break
                                                      $150.00

       __ reference to obscure recordings/
            performances
                                                      $90.00

       __ Pretending to understand absurd metaphor
                                                      $15.00

       __ Understanding absurd metaphor
                                                      $25.00


       ANNOYING BEHAVIOR BY VETERANS

       __ Playing high notes louder than possible
            (brass)
                                                      $25.00


       __ Holding same 1/4 beat longer than
            everyone else (brass)
                                                      $200.00

       __ Discussing technique during rehearsal
                                                      $100.00

       __ Discussing technique during break
                                                      $200.00

       __ Discussing technique with guest artist
                                                      $500.00
            (at any time)

       __ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes
                                                      $30.00

       __ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes about
            famous musician (second hand)
                                                      $60.00

       __ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes about
            famous musician (first hand)
                                                      $90.00

       __ Naming yourself after a dead composer
                                                      $50.00

       __ Naming yourself after a live composer
                                                      $100.00

       __ Feigning European birth by 'lapsing'
                                                      $150.00
            into foreign languages


       GENERAL OBNOXIOUS BEHAVIOR

       __ Selling Amway
                                                      $50.00

       __ Inviting conductor to party
                                                      $15.00

       __ Inviting guest artist to party
                                                      $100.00

       __ Showing pictures of guest artist at party
            at first rehearsal after party
                                                      $200.00



   ____________________________
   Signature of citing official

FAILURE TO PAY FINES SHALL BE CAUSE FOR REVOCATION OF ARTISTIC LICENSE

© 1997 Peter Langston