Fun_People Archive
2 Oct
Proprietary Eatware

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu,  2 Oct 97 15:02:34 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Proprietary Eatware

Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Forwarded-by: Dave Del Torto <ddt@pgp.com>

	INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept
and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else
a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's
rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are
encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the
oven using these keystrokes:

  \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//

Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will
set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, you probably already know what to do, and you aren't  
reading these instructions anyway...

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must
be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven
and enter:

   ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then
doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than
the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are
empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in
your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken
variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call
MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another
variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their
chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size.
Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in
Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that
version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in
advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer,
causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your
freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

© 1997 Peter Langston