Fun_People Archive
19 Sep
True Stories from South America, Italy, and Australia (sort of)

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 97 13:36:11 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: True Stories from South America, Italy, and Australia (sort of)

Forwarded-by: liondog@isomedia.com (Rick Ruskin)
Forwarded-by: BurnhamJ@aol.com

Three women are about to be executed by firing squad in a stereotypical
South American country.  One is a Unix hacker (a brunette), one is a DEC
customer engineer (a redhead), and the third is a Microsoft project manager
(a blonde).  They bring up the brunette, and the guard asks if she has any
last requests.  She says no, so the guard shouts ... Ready! ... Aim! ...
and suddenly the brunette yells: Earthquake!  Everyone looks behind them
and she runs off.  So they bring up the redhead and ask if she has any last
requests. She says no, so the guard shouts ... Ready! ... Aim! ...  and
suddenly the redhead yells: Tornado!  Everybody ducks and she runs off.
Well, by then, the blonde has it figured out what to do.  So they bring her
up and she is asked if she has any last requests.  She says no, so the guard
shouts ... Ready! ... Aim! ...  and suddenly the blonde yells:  Fire!

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Michelangelo is painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel when he sees an
old woman praying down below.  He decides to have some fun and lies back on
the scaffolding so the woman can't see him.  Then he says in a loud voice,
"I am Jesus Christ.  Listen to me and I will perform miracles."

The old woman is intent on her Rosary and does not look up. Michelangelo
figures that she is hard of hearing, so he shouts, "I am Jesus Christ!
Listen to me and I will perform miracles!"

With head bent, the woman continues praying, so Michelangelo shouts, "I AM
JESUS CHRIST! LISTEN TO ME!"  This time the old woman yells back, "Would
you shut the hell up?  I'm talking to your mother!"

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An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife, they stay in a 5 star hotel
and hire a Limo for the day.  While driving along the road, his wife asks,
"Look!  What is that man doing with that kangaroo?"  The man says, "My God!
Don't look, it's disgusting!"  Further down the road the wife says, "Look
dear, another one!" and her husband says, "Outrageous! I shall report this
when we get back to the hotel."

They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg having
a wank on the steps of the hotel.  The husband charges in and says, "See
here, my good man; we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel
and what happens?  We are driving down the road and we come across a drover
in copulation with a kangaroo.  Further on, we see a recurrence of the same
thing.  Then we get back here only to find a one-legged man masturbating on
your front steps!  Well!  What do you have to say about that?"

The manager says, "'S'truth mate, you can't expect a man with one wooden
leg to catch a kangaroo..."

© 1997 Peter Langston