Fun_People Archive
3 Sep
Further Telemarketer Torment Techniques

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed,  3 Sep 97 11:20:55 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Further Telemarketer Torment Techniques

[For the first Telemarketer Torment Techniques article, see  
<http://www.empire.net/~psl/Fun_People/1993/1993ABE.html> - psl]

[UPDATE: The Fun_People archive moved in September 1998 to:
	<http://www.langston.com/Fun_People/>  -psl]

Forwarded-by: Dan Hunt <dan@opnsys.com>

		How to Handle Telemarketers

		by: Michael Owen

		Knight-Ridder Newspapers



If you're like most people, and most people are, you resent telemarketers
calling you at home trying to sell you something.

And it probably irritates you that they seem invariably to call at dinner
time. I used to wonder why they would do that, knowing they were only
irritating people who would then be less likely to buy what they're selling.

A friend of mine who once worked as a telemarketer explained it to me.

     "When do you expect us to call?" he said. "At 2 in the afternoon,
when nobody's home?"

That would be nice. But I guess it wouldn't be too profitable.

Anyway, since they seem to be a fact of life these days, I thought I'd make
the best of it and try to have a little fun with them.

At first, I would just let them go through their entire spiel, then say,
"I'm sorry, I'm hard of hearing.  Would you repeat that?" I'd do that
several times until they finally caught on and hung up. One of them got
really irritated after repeating his pitch three times and snapped, "You're
just wasting my time."

     "I guess that makes us even," I said.

But that got old after a while. Besides, it took too long.

And in addition to that, my telemarketer friend told me that a lot of the
folks who do this for a living can't do anything else. So I felt kind of
bad for wasting their time.  (OK, I didn't feel REAL bad, but I stopped doing it.)

So that's how I stumbled upon a new hobby. It's fun, entertaining, and it's
an exercise in thinking quickly. Here's what you do. Whenever a telemarketer
calls, try to come up, on the spot, with a spiel of your own that will
disarm the caller and, if possible, maybe even entertain him or her a bit.

The following are genuine examples. (And, as Dave Barry says, I swear I am
not making these up.)

The phone rings.

  Hello, is this Michael Owen?

  Yes.

  Hello, Mr. Owen, my name is Brenda and I'm with MCI. How are you today?

  Fine, and you?

  I'm fine, Mr. Owen. Does anyone in your home make long-distance telephone
calls?

  No.

  No one?

  Nope.

  Well, do you receive a lot of collect calls?

  No.

  Not many?

  Nope. None.

  You don't make ANY long distance calls or receive ANY collect calls?

  No, m'am. You see, I belong to the Seventh-Day B'nai Antioch church, and
my religion strictly forbids me from using the telephone at all.

                               (pause)

  Uh, Mr. Owen, you're using the phone right now.

                               (pause)

  OH MY GOD!  SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE!  OH MY GOD!

                              Click.



You get the idea?

  Hello, this is Christi with Rollin' Hills photography studio.  Would
you be interested in a free family portrait?

  No, thank you.

  Not even for free?

  No, ma'am. You see, my brother is a staff photographer for National
Geographic, and he does all our portraits for us for free.

  Really? That's nice.

  Yes m'am, it is. Of course, we have to take off all our clothes and squat
naked around a camp fire for him to do it -- so you can imagine what our
Christmas cards look like -- but hey, they're free.

                                  Click.



  Hello, is this Mike Owen?

  Yep.

  Mr. Owen, I am authorized to offer you a week's stay at a fabulous resort
if you and your fami ...

  Not interested, thank you.

  Mr. Owen, it's free, if you and your ...

  'Scuse me, sir, but you see, my Uncle Horatio Hilton owns all the Hilton
Hotels in the United States.

                           (I swear to God he then said :)

  So ... uh, I guess you get a discount, huh?

  Yeah.

                                  Click.



  Hello, is this Mr. Owen?

  Yo.

  How would you like to make big bucks in your spare time?

  No thanks, I'm rich as hell.

                                  Click.



You get the idea.

Now, before all you telephone sales folks get bent out of shape and write
me nasty letters (or put me on some special "call him 10 times a day" list)
I want you to know I have a great deal of respect for sales people in
general. Much of the stuff I buy, I buy from sales people. Some of my best
friends are sales people. I would be proud for my daughter to marry a sales
person. (Then HE could pay to fix her car.)

In fact, I had an entertaining experience with a salesperson the other day;
it just wasn't on the phone.  A young lad was selling those chocolate bars
that schools use to raise funds. He asked if I'd like to buy one and I said
sure, why not, pulled out a buck and handed it to him. "What's the money
for?" I asked.

He looked at me like I was a fool and said, "For the candy bar."

I guess I deserved that.

© 1997 Peter Langston