Fun_People Archive
31 Aug
Quotes from the Comedian's Eye View of Various Dates

Content-Type: text/plain
Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 3.3 v118.2)
X-Face: $JuL3_NrfhnRK$`uQW%rQNk6<y=l+)&gQVb(_7Iq2/G;sY|P~U}Y7Z\3|CJ~EkN4kkvZIR
	'PnxjbL%g|yxS+#aw]2OTD{e)PhD{gS#ACc>j{f<AC@=Z4IoT^~f'4HM(0H]P>
X-Nextstep-Mailer: Mail 3.3 (Enhance 2.0b6)
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sun, 31 Aug 97 17:09:45 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Quotes from the Comedian's Eye View of Various Dates

DON FITZPATRICK ASSOCIATES
                              "SHOPTALK"

Tuesday June 17, 1997

	"I look back on certain choices that I made, and I wonder if I did
	it out of the working actor's desperation to just take anything that
	comes along.  I allowed myself, several times, to be mediocre.
	...I'm not going to allow myself to be mediocre or anything that I
	am involved with to be mediocre."
		- "Speed 2" star Sandra Bullock

Wednesday June 18, 1997

	"I'm not always going to be 14.  Hopefully, when I turn 24, they'll
	say, 'She's still good.'"
		- LeAnn Rimes, adolescent country music star

Wednesday June 25, 1997

	"Marlene Dietrich taught me how to light myself...  You have to know
	what you're doing with the filters and things like that.  You get
	a thicker filter every five years.  Pretty soon they're shooting
	you through linoleum."
                    -Shirley MacLaine on "Fox After Breakfast"

Thursday June 26, 1997

	"There are breast roles and there are nonbreast roles. For instance,
	when I was Stella in 'A Streetcar Named Desire' on Broadway in 1988,
	I thought they were appropriate."
		- Academy Award winning actress Frances McDormand,
		  on wearing a removable chest

Friday June 27, 1997

	"According to a reader's poll in 'Seventeen,' the celebrity they
	wish they could go out with is Leonardo DiCaprio.  Meanwhile, the
	celebrity they wish would stop asking them out is Jerry Seinfeld."
		- Conan O'Brien

Monday June 30, 1997

	"Oprah Winfrey issued a statement saying that even though she
	appeared on the 'Ellen' coming-out episode, she's not gay.
	Meanwhile, Ellen DeGeneres issued a statement that even though she
	appeared on 'Oprah,' she's not black."
		- Conan O'Brien

Tuesday July 1, 1997

	"I'm so Farrah right now. I've just lost my mind..."
		-  Janeane Garofalo, after losing her train of thought
		   with David Letterman

Monday July 7, 1997

	"It should be changed because the 'Star Spangled Banner' is a war
	song...Now the whole Western Hemisphere is at peace, most of the
	world's at peace. It is time to change with the times because
	brotherhood is a lot more important than military force, and that's
	what 'America The Beautiful' is all about."
		- Ted Turner

Wednesday July 9, 1997

	"Terry Nichols' defense attorneys are saying he was just giving
	Timothy McVeigh a lift...This is now referred to as the Eddie Murphy
	defense."
		- Bill Maher

Thursday July 10, 1997

	"The Supreme Court ruled in favor of pornography on the Internet.
	Then, after the ruling, there was an awkward moment when Clarence
	Thomas started high-fiving everybody."
		- Conan O'Brien

Monday July 14, 1997

	"I know the myth is that men want Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia
	Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley Visser during
	a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic,
	Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick, Mary Richards at work,
	Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in
	conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin'
	combined with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off, the IQ of
	Anna Nicole Smith, because of course we don't want to feel too
	threatened.
		- Dennis Miller, from "The Rants"

Tuesday July 15, 1997

	"Drug kingpin Amado Carrillo Fuentes...died from nine hours of
	liposuction and plastic surgery -- or, as it's commonly known here
	in Beverly Hills, natural causes."
		- Bill Maher

Wednesday July 16, 1997

	"The first thing that crossed my mind was to bite him back"
		- Evander Holyfield commenting to David Letterman

Thursday July 17, 1997

	"The Hollywood Wax Museum has moved the statue of Mike Tyson from
	the sports section to the "Chamber of Horrors." Meanwhile, they've
	moved the Evander Holyfield statue to the cafeteria."
		-  Conan O'Brien

Tuesday July 22, 1997

	"I'd like to live forever.  If there's anything I'm afraid of, it's
	missing what will happen tomorrow. I'm very curious. I want to see
	what's going to be on the cover of Time, who is going to be Man of
	the Year for another year, the scientific discoveries... I won't
	miss being younger, because we all know we'll be old in 20 or 30
	years.  But one day, I'll miss the people I love."
		- Gianni Versace's last interview by Andrea Lee in
		  The New Yorker (Versace appears on this week's cover
		  of Time Magazine)

Thursday July 24, 1997

	"I'm not a win-at-all-costs guy. Winning isn't everything. It's
	second to breathing."
		- George Steinbrenner

Thursday August 14, 1997

	"Elvis Presley's relatives have just opened a theme restaurant
	featuring the King's favorite foods. Each table comes with its own
	defibrillator."
		- Jim Mullen, Entertainment Weekly

 Friday August 15, 1997

	"There is a good side to it.  Over at the Home Shopping Channel,
	the stuff is so backed up that their crap is coming back into
	style."
		- "Politically Incorrect's" Bill Maher on the UPS strike

Monday August 18, 1997

	"The tests found only 1 person in 2.6 billion has DNA matching that
	found in the bite marks, and further tests show only one woman in
	3 billion would actually agree to meet Marv Albert in his hotel."
		- Comedy Central's Craig Kilborn on Marv Albert's
		  DNA test results.

Tuesday August 19, 1997

	"Yeah, I saw the Brad Pitt pictures. He's butt naked smoking a
	cigarette.  And the cigarette's bigger."
		- Keenan Ivory Wayans

Wednesday, August 20, 1997

	"A White House employee says [President Clinton] kissed her and
	fondled her at an office in the White House and that it would have
	gone further but was interrupted by one of his illegal fund-raising
	calls."
		-  Bill Maher

Thursday August 21, 1997

	"We're in big trouble.  There's no way to return all the crap we
	ordered before the strike."
		- Entertainment Weekly's Jim Mullen on UPS.

Friday August 22, 1997

	"The showbiz siblings will host their very own yak-fest.  Yeah,
	that's the trouble with television- not enough talk shows."
		- Jim Mullen on Donny and Marie Osmond

Monday August 25, 1997

	"An excited Keith Richard said Stones concert locations will include
	everywhere from huge stadiums to small clubs and blood banks."
		- Craig Kilborn on Comedy Central's the "Daily Show"

Tuesday August 26, 1997

	"Christopher Darden is going to court to prove he's the father of
	his ex-lover's daughter...in legal circles, that's known as the
	Reverse Cosby."
		- Zack Taylor, Westwood One Radio Network

Wednesday August 27, 1997

	"In reference to Elle Macpherson's pregnancy: The couple say they
	don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it has high
	cheekbones and a great tan."
		- Craig Kilborn on Comedy Central's "The Daily Show"

Thursday August 28, 1997

	"Jimmy Hoffa Jr. is accusing the current head of the Teamsters of
	being in bed with the Democrats. This is nasty stuff, Teamsters and
	Democrats.  In fact, someone saw one of the Teamster thugs dumping
	a body off the Bridge to the 21st Century."
		- Bill Maher

Friday August 29, 1997

	"I expect to hear any day now that Don King has arranged a fight
	between Michael Westbrook and Mike Tyson, and is promoting it in
	biblical terms: "An Eye For An Ear!"
		- Paul Harris, HARRIS & THE PREDICTOR
		  CLASSIC ROCK 94.7/Washington, DC

                               &&&&&&&&&&

© 1997 Peter Langston