Fun_People Archive
10 Jun
Limericks - 6/9/97

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 10 Jun 97 03:04:53 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Limericks - 6/9/97

[I don't mean to open up the Pandora's box of the limerick generally, but a
 few limericks every now and then serve to keep the bile and other humors
 flowing...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: jeant@olympus.net (Jean Tenenbaum)
Forwarded-by: Zeke Anderson <zama@olympus.net>


The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
        But the good ones I've seen
        So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

                                anon.

It needn't have ribaldry's taint
Or strive to make everyone faint.
        There's a type that's demure
        And perfectly pure
Though it helps quite a lot if it ain't.

                                Don Marquis (1878-1937)


The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
        Or she sneaks to the slums
        And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.

                                Morris Bishop (1893-?)

Marquis once tried to put a market place classification on limericks:

        Limericks that can be told in the presence of ladies ... $1.

        Limericks that can be told in the presence of the clergy ... $2.

        Limericks ... $10.

A $1 limerick:

Now what in the world shall we dioux
With the bloody and murderous Sioux,
        Who some time ago
        Took an arrow and bow
And raised such a hullabalioux?

                                Eugene Field  (1850-1895)

and

There once was a boy of Quebec
Who was buried in snow to his neck.
        When asked, "Are you frizz?"
        He replied, "Yes, I is,
But we don't call this cold in Quebec."

                                Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

$2.

I sat next to the Duchess at tea;
It was just as I feared it would be:
        Her rumblings abdominal
        Were truly phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me!

                                Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924)

or

An old maid in the land of Aloha
Got wrapped in the coils of a boa;
        And as the snake squeezed,
        The old maid, not displeased,
Cried, "Darling! I love it! Samoa!"

                                anon.

or

There was a young lady named Alice
Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
        The Padre agreed
        'Twas done out of need,
And not out of Protestant malice.

                                anon.

$10.

There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
        The miller's son, Jack,
        Laid her flat on her back
And united the organs they pissed with.

                                Algernon Charles Swinburne (1837-1909)

There was a young plumber of Leigh
Was plumbing a maid by the sea.
        Said the maid, "Cease your plumbing,
        I think someone's coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

                                Arnold Bennett (1867-1931)

and finally, for now:

A broken-down harlot named Tupps
Was heard to confess in her cups:
        "The height of my folly
        Was diddling a collie --
But I got a nice price for the pups."

                                anon.

© 1997 Peter Langston