Fun_People Archive
14 May
The Comedian's Eye View of 5-15-97

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 14 May 97 17:55:18 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 5-15-97

Excerpted-from: 5-15-97-- ShopTalk

                         Thursday May 15, 1997

	"Bush, Carter, Clinton...they were all painting over this
	 graffiti-ed wall.  Which is the first time in American history that
	 members of both parties took part in the same cover-up."

			-Bill Maher, ABC's "Politically Incorrect"

                               &&&&&&&&&&

Winners and Losers: Australian Susie Maroney became the first woman to swim
from Cuba to Florida.  "Well, it was either swim or fly Valujet," says the
Cutler Daily Scoop.

"Maroney, 22, told reporters her biggest obstacles were sharks, jellyfish
and Pat Buchanan." (Bob Mills)

Maroney said she kept replaying Seinfeld episodes in her mind.  "When she
climbed out of the water after swimming 24 hours, she was mumbling, 'a
million dollars per episode.  I want a million dollars per episode.'" (Jerry
Perisho)

Garry Kasparov is asking for a rematch.  He won his first game with computer
Deep Blue, but failed to win the next five in a row.  "That's why he's been
named the official chess player of the Chicago Cubs." (Perisho)

"So, are computers now smarter than people?  No.  Computers don't know that
rematches are where the big money is." (Daily Scoop)

A Continental Airlines flight landed at an abandoned Navy field four miles
from the Corpus Christi, Texas, airport.  "It's new motto: 'We get you
somewhere on time.'" (Stan Kaplan)

Oxygen bars are opening in Los Angeles.  "I'm not sure if oxygen bars will
work," says Alex Kaseberg.  "Folks here are used to their air chunky style."

"There will be two oxygen flavors for people from New York: Garbage Strike
and Subway Musk." (Kaseberg)

The San Jose Mercury news says its report that the CIA helped introduce
crack into L.A. was flawed.  "The paper alleged the Contras brought in crack
and the feds knew it," says the Daily Scoop.  "It's ridiculous.  Anyone
who'd believe that would believe our government would raise money for the
Contras by selling missiles to Iran."

"The White House struck a deal with the Whitewater investigators," says
Brian J. Hill.  "They will release only the conversations Hillary Clinton
had with Eleanor Roosevelt's lawyers."

"'The Last Don' on CBS destroyed the competition in the ratings,'" says
Pearlstein.  "The show is such a hit, CBS renamed it 'The Next to the Next
to the Last Don.'"

Michael Jordan is coming out with his own line of toiletries for men,
including a Michael Jordan shampoo.  Says Jay Leno: "Does Michael Jordan
even need shampoo?  He can get by with a washcloth and a bar of soap."

Minolta reportedly has signed Dennis Rodman to do ads for its laser
printers.  The theme of the ads is: "There's no image we can't improve."

© 1997 Peter Langston