Fun_People Archive
21 Apr
Four of a Kind

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 21 Apr 97 17:54:41 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Four of a Kind

Forwarded-by: Steve Hardaway <stehar@dfw.net>

    A little old lady with blue hair entered the lingerie shop and asked in
a quavering voice, "Y-young man, d-do y-you sell-l s-s-sexual aids h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in
his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am.  We do."
    The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart
asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-b-bout th-this l-l-ong?" "Well, yes ma'am,
we do.  We have several that size."
    Forming a circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-ny of
th-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?" "Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them
are about that big."
    "D-do a-any of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" "Yes ma'am, one of
them does." "W-w-ell, that's a re-relief!  H-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

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A guy walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Seems you've got a stuttering problem."
The guy says, "N-n-no sh-sh-shit."
The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon
  she sucked me off three times in a row, and I haven't stuttered since."
The guy says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that's great to kn-kn-know..."
A week later, the same guy returns and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Why didn't you try what I told you?"
The guy says, "I d-d-did. It d-d-didn't w-w-wrork. B-b-but I m-m-must
  say, you have a r-r-really nice apartment."

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A talented ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting
on his porch with his dog.
"Nice dog," said the cowboy.  "Mind if I speak to him?
"That dog cain't talk!" said the rancher.
The cowboy turned to the dog and asked, "Hey dog, how's it going?"
"I'm doin' alright," said the dog, as the rancher stared in disbelief.
"Is this your owner? " the cowboy asked, pointing to the rancher.
"Yep," replied the dog.
"How's he treat you?"
"Real good.  He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to
the lake once a week to play."
The rancher just sat there, too stunned to speak.
"Mind if I talk to your horse?" the cowboy asked.
"H-h-horses cain't talk,"  said the rancher, less certain this time.
"Hey horse, how's it going?" the cowboy asked.
"Cool," said the horse, as the rancher's eyes widened.
"Is this your owner?" the cowboy asked.
"Yep."
"How's he treat you?"
"Pretty good.  He rides me every day, brushes me regularly, and keeps me in
the barn to protect me from the weather."
The rancher's jaw dropped and he looked like he was going to faint.
"Say," the cowboy asked, "would you mind if I talked to your sheep?
The rancher jumped to his feet, gesturing wildly. "THEM SHEEP AIN'T NOTHIN'
BUT LIARS!!!"

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    A farmer, upset with his low yield of eggs, decided to go to town to
buy a fresh rooster who could liven things up a bit with his hens. The
man at the supply store told him he wished he could help, but all he had
was this incredibly horny rooster. "But that's just what I need!" the farmer
said.  The store owner said, "Not this rooster, he's trouble.  I've never
seen anything so horny." But the farmer insisted and eventually took the
rooster home on the condition that he wouldn't ever return it.
    Once home, the rooster jumped into the hen house and nailed every hen
repeatedly until they were all exhausted and nearly dead. Undaunted, the
rooster hopped the fence and got in with the ducks, repeating the scene with
the hens and wiping out all the ducks. He then leaped another fence and
proceeding to nail all the geese. This continued for three days until all
the farm birds that were left alive lay gasping.  The farmer found the
rooster prostrate in the middle the yard, with buzzards circling overhead.
    "Serves you right." said the farmer, at which point the rooster pointed
overhead, winked, and whispered, "Shhhhhhhhh, they're getting closer."

© 1997 Peter Langston