Fun_People Archive
18 Apr
The Comedian's Eye View of 04/18/97

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 97 00:58:28 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 04/18/97

Excerpted-from: 04/18/97 -- ShopTalk

                         Friday April 18, 1997

     "Question: What are you going to do when your son says he
      wants to be like you and Connie [Chung] and go into TV?

     "Answer: Move out of the country right away"

                        -- Harris In The Morning guest Maury Povich
                           CLASSIC ROCK 94.7/Washington, DC

                               &&&&&&&&&&

The Last Words: "If you mailed your taxes Tuesday, you're in pretty good
shape," says Jay Leno. "You can relax- your return will get there on
Thursday.  They'll deposit your check on Friday, the bank will start to
process it on Saturday.  So enjoy the weekend.  Your check won't even bounce
until Monday."

Losers of Found Persons: An 18-month investigation has found significant
failures at the FBI crime lab in Washington.  "Dirty and outdated equipment
included Petri dishes so old they have Rob and Laura's names on them," says
Bill Williams.

"It looks like the FBI has been borrowing employees from the post office
again." (Jerry Perisho)

An investigator was astonished when a lab technician told him he thought a
Bunsen burner was an arsonist." (Stan Kaplan)

"A probe of the lab revealed rampant inaccuracies and shoddy analysis," says
Alex Pearlstein.  "The agency will now be referred to as the FB-IRS."

"The FBI erred in major cases," says the Cutler Daily Scoop.  "For example,
John Dillinger was actually Public Enemy No. 2."

Elsewhere in the Intelligence Community: "The CIA has admitted it had
information on chemical weapons sites in Iraq for years, but never managed
to tell anybody about it," says Paul Steinberg.  "Today the agency announced
that the Soviet Union may break apart."

Whew: "Mines were found along the Pope's route in Bosnia," says the Scoop.
"The Pope was relieved.  At first he thought they said 'mimes.'"

Researchers announce coffee may contain the same cancer-protective
antioxidants as vegetables, says Russ Meyers. "I guess that news ruins plans
for the next projected rage- Brussels sprouts cafes."
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