Fun_People Archive
10 Apr
Two Heaven's Gate Followups

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 10 Apr 97 00:59:27 -0700
To: Fun_People
Subject: Two Heaven's Gate Followups

[The first, modeled after a number of similar bits of bounced mail...  -psl]

Date: Wed, 26 Mar 1997 22:01:07 -0800 (PST)
From: Mail Delivery Subsystem <MAILER-DAEMON@Tlelaxu.net >
To: "Sol Pickup Coordinator" <Recruitment638@Tlelaxu.net>
Subject: Returned mail: Service unavailable
Auto-Submitted: auto-generated (failure)

The original message was received at Wed, 26 Mar 1997 22:01:24 -0800 (PST)
from sol-ts1-p48.Tlelaxu.net [404.57.298.302]

   ----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----
<Applewhite@HigherSource.com>

   ----- Transcript of session follows -----
... while talking to mx.HigherSource.com.:
>>> RCPT To:<Applewhite@HigherSource.com>
<<< 552 <Applewhite@HigherSource.com>... Mail quota exceeded
554 <Applewhite@HigherSource.com>... Service unavailable

Received: from Tlelaxu.net (sol-ts1-p48.Tlelaxu.net [404.57.298.302]) by  
HigherSource.com (8.8.5/8.8.5) with SMTP id XAA13159; Wed, 26 Mar 1997  
22:01:24 -0800 (PST)
Content-Type: text/plain
From: "Sol Pickup Coordinator" <Recruitment638@Tlelaxu.net>
Date: Wed, 26 Mar 97 22:01:07 -0800
To: Applewhite@HigherSource.com
Subject: Important Update

Doh,
  Due to a hitch in the Borzok peace talks, we have rescheduled the pickup
of your recruits until the next cometary orbit.  Therefore, do not eat the
pudding at this time.  Repeat: DO NOT EAT THE PUDDING AT THIS TIME.
						- Mee Fah (Sol Pickup Coord.)
p.s.  And keep your e-mail up to date!
p.p.s.  And stop using such big GIFs...

=============================================================================
[The second--the way it really went...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: Lani Herrmann <lanih@info.sims.berkeley.edu>
Forwarded-by: jmichael@sas.upenn.edu
Forwarded-by: lratmans@sas.upenn.edu (Lisa Ratmansky)
Forwarded-by: Pamela Inglesby <inglesby@humanitas.ucsb.edu>

 CULTISTS DIE AGAIN - SECOND TRAGEDY OF WEEK FOR GROUP

 The 39 members of the Heaven's Gate cult, reborn in fresh alien host
 bodies, were killed again yesterday when their deep-space transport
 vessel was fired upon by an enemy battlecruiser.  The transport was
 enroute to Sirius, The Planet of Infinite Pleasures (tm).

 After completing its leap to hyperspace, the ship was detected by a
 Borzok battle cruiser on a routine patrol of hyperspace.  The cultists,
 many of whom were enjoying their newly regenerated sexual organs for the
 first time, were apparently innocent victims of the Borzok/Tlelaxu war,
 an interplanetary conflagration that has raged for seven of our Earth
 centuries.

 Sub-Commander G'Zunq of the Borzok remarked, "We deeply regret that
 neutral Earth-beings were harmed during the attack.  Nevertheless, their
 vessel bore the markings of our sworn enemies, the Tlelaxu.  We therefore
 claim this day as a great victory for the Borzok empire."  Due to the
 remoteness of the patch of space where the incident occurred, chances of
 rescue are nil.  According to Borzok sources, the formerly dead cultists
 are "absolutely toast this time."

 Imperial Proconsul 378%Q'nah'nah of the Tlelaxu apologized humbly for the
 incident, venting his external gills in the universal Tlelaxu gesture of
 supplication and regret.  "We assure you that this was an isolated
 incident," said 378%Q'nah'nah.  We sincerely hope that it does not
 discourage future mass suicides on Earth.  We have a solar system of
 fresh host bodies for all of you, and a Planet of Infinite Pleasures (tm)
 awaits all of you who join us."  When asked if the Tlelaxu mission
 statement, "To Serve Man,": might be a cookbook, 378%Q'nah'nah abruptly
 terminated the interview.
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