Fun_People Archive
1 Apr
Higher Source Raises Stakes in Internet Industry

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue,  1 Apr 97 15:41:04 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: Higher Source Raises Stakes in Internet Industry

Forwarded-by: Ellie Young <ellie@usenix.ORG>
Forwarded-by: shunt@mail.arc.nasa.gov

HIGHER SOURCE RAISES STAKES IN INTERNET INDUSTRY
        by Charles Forsythe

REDMOND -- Microsoft Corporation has announced plans to acquire the Website
and Internet development corporation Higher Source for an undisclosed fee.
"Higher Source has proven its commitment to strange mind-control cults and
UFO religions," said Microsoft spokeswoman, Anita Klue,"Their willingness
to kill themselves for the sake of their technology is the kind of dynamic
that Microsoft wants to promote."

In conjunction with the acquisition, Microsoft announced a new program
called "Active Cult 97", which is expected to be in place by late 1998.
Active Cult aims to make the use of Microsoft technology more of a religion-
driven decision as opposed to a technology-driven decision.  "This isn't
expected to be a big change for Microsoft's customer base," explained Ms.
Klue.  Details of Active Cult were not disclosed, but it was suggested that
instead of crashing with the infamous "blue screen of death" or "General
Protection Fault", Microsoft's operating systems would merely display the
message "Windows died for your sins."

Mike S. Brown, who writes about the industry in his PC Weak column "M.S.
Brown Knows" responded enthusiastically to the announcement.  "This really
raises the stakes for Internet development.  IBM may be content to kill its
own products, like OS/2, but Microsoft is willing to kill its own developers
and maybe even some customers.  That's the kind of bold difference that will
make UNIX, OS/2 and the Mac completely irrelavent by the end of 1996!"  When
is was pointed out that 1996 was already over, Mr. Brown retorted,"No it's
not!  If it was, then Microsoft would be behind schedule on Windows 97 --
which it isn't."

An IBM employee, who asked to remain anonymous due to the fact that the
whole issue was "extremely silly," said that "IBM is committed to the future
of network computing and OS/2 is an important part of that future."  He
added that,"IBM is not interested in promoting suicide.  If you want to talk
about promoting suicide, talk to Microsoft's ISVs.  Can you say `Citrix'?"

Reaction amongst Windows users was generally positive.  Ben de Miover, CIO
for a large company which recently switched its operations from the Apple
MacIntosh to Windows 95, explained,"Windows is really cool because you can
play Quake in, like, a window and stuff."  He also cited a complete lack of
Windows 95 applications for the MacIntosh.  "How can modern business
function without Windows 95 applications.  Y'know, like Quake?"  In
addition, he was pretty sure that OS/2 and UNIX were "new wave bands
from L.A."

Linus Torvalds was unavailable for comment.

© 1997 Peter Langston