Fun_People Archive
29 Mar
Cometary Rattlesnake Incident

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sat, 29 Mar 97 20:55:23 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: Cometary Rattlesnake Incident

Forwarded-by: Xaviera Hollander <xaviera@xs4all.nl>
[This is a story from a good girlfriend of mine  -XH]

My joke for the day comes from real life ... mine.

Last night I decided to drive out into the desert, away from the city
lights, to watch the comet, enjoy the lunar eclipse, and generally commune
with nature in solitary tranquillity.  So I tossed dinner, a jacket, and a
few necessities in a plastic bag and went in search of the ideal secluded
spot.

About an hour after dark I finally found what I was searching for; a dark
back road with no traffic, no house or street lights, and no mountains
obstructing my view.  Grabbing my bag of goodies, I walked a little ways
away from the car to find a nice, comfy, (reasonably) flat rock to sit on.
I settled down, stretched out, and dropped my bag on the ground between my
legs.

Immediately I heard the familiar commotion of a very angry rattlesnake and
it was obviously right between my legs.  In spite of my age and weight, I
surprised myself with how quickly I could transfer from a semi-reclining
position to the up-right, 20 feet away.  It's amazing what a good dose of
adrenaline will do for you!

The snake was still buzzing quite insistently but I thought I was probably
a safe distance from it for the moment so I pulled out my flashlight to
access the situation. (All the time wishing I could remember how fast
rattlesnakes can run and wondering if I was about to find out.) Apparently
he was not very big because he was totally covered by the bag.  But he
sounded a lot large.  Of course on a quiet night in the desert, everything
sounds bigger and closer than it does in the bright light of day.

After mentally scolding myself for being so stupid as to not think about
the more dangerous creepy, crawly things that inhabit the area, and
realizing how fortunate I was that I had not been bitten, I realized that
I still had to retrieve my bag without getting bit.  I decided I needed a
stick long enough to retrieve my bag without getting within striking range.

I stumbled around, tripped over a couple of rocks (I really should have
taken a larger flashlight) almost landed face first in a rather large
cactus, but finally found a stick that I thought would serve the purpose.
All the time the Diamondback continued to remind me that he was not in the
least bit happy.

Cautiously I crept up to the goody bag, hooked it on the tip of the stick,
and quickly flipped it over.  The ground underneath was bare.  There was
not a snake in sight.  And the sound had moved.  The buzzing was inside the
bag.  Shining the light on the bag, I used the tip of the stick to flip it
open.  Then I saw the source of my fears.

One of the 'necessities' I had chosen to pack was my favorite vibrator.
When I dropped the bag on the ground it triggered the switch turning it on.
Did you know that the sound of a vibrator doing its thing in a sheer plastic
bag sounds a lot like an angry rattlesnake?

Hugs to ya.

A.

© 1997 Peter Langston