Fun_People Archive
5 Mar
The Comedian's Eye View of 03-05-97

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed,  5 Mar 97 00:40:22 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 03-05-97

Excerpted-from: 03-05-97-- ShopTalk

                       Wednesday March 5, 1997

     "According to a new survey 60% of adults say they're aware of
      someone who's gone to work under the influence of drugs.
      Apparently the other 40% have never heard of the Dallas
      Cowboys."
                                  Conan O'Brien

                               &&&&&&&&&&

In L.A.: "Welcome to Los Angeles, or as we say, 'Duck!'" (Jay Leno)

Debate continues after the North Hollywood bank shootout about whether the
LAPD should be more heavily armed.  "Right now, all the cops carry are 9
millimeters and their latest scripts." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Filming is beginning on the "Ellen" episode to which the whole season has
been leading.  Says Gary Easley, "Ellen will come out and show the world
that she is not only a comic, but a thespian."

Cloning Update: "The scientists responsible for the first successful cloning
of a mammal say it took years of trial and error.  Which is why you never
hear songs by Kennys A through F." (Steve Voldseth)

The Roslin lab in Scotland is scheduled for a government budget cut.  "But
that won't have much effect," says Michael X. Ferraro.  "Once you've cloned
sheep, it's not that difficult to counterfeit money."

Scientists in Oregon say they have cloned a monkey.  "This technique has
just been perfected," says Easley.  "In the 60s when they created adult
monkeys, they were only bad clones of the Beatles."

Around the Country: OJ Simpson said he did not buy a house in Florida,
"which of course means that he bought a house in Florida," says Alex
Kaseberg.

The 25th Iditarod 1,150-mile dog sled race began Sunday in Alaska.  "The
rules say participants must start with a maximum of 16 dogs and end with at
least five- not at all unlike the NBA." (Jerry Perisho)

Government as Usual: The White House freed $250 million to promote a new
sex education program.  "It teaches marital fidelity," says Argus Hamilton.
"It sure gets expensive when Bill Clinton and Dick Morris start theorizing."

Yasser Arafat is visiting the White House.  Says Brian J. Hill, "First, the
guy has to share his land, now he has to share the Lincoln Bedroom with some
businessman from Cleveland."

"GOP leaders have returned from that bash in Palm Beach for donors of
$175,000," says Hamilton.  "Last Year, Congress promised to do something
about special-interest contributions.  What they have decided to do is
deposit them."

"The Marines knew (Riddick) Bowe was in trouble," says Gary Shelton of the
St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times, "when he got to Parris Island and asked
directions to the Eiffel Tower."

Jerry Perisho, speculating on Bowe's reaction to the screaming of drill
instructors at boot camp: "...and they didn't know that they were talking
about.  Shoot, they've never even met my mother."

© 1997 Peter Langston