Fun_People Archive
8 Feb
Death Star to Open Day Care Center

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sat,  8 Feb 97 00:45:28 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: Death Star to Open Day Care Center

Forwarded-by: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Forwarded-by: "Harry I. Rubin" <harry@redarrow.com>
Forwarded-by: Adam Sah <asah@toe.CS.Berkeley.EDU>

	http://www.theonion.com/onion2918/text2918/daycare.html

    After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the Death
Star, the Empire's vaunted, planet-destroying space station, has added a new,
state-of-the-art day care center to its already vast array of capabilities.
The massive four-room day care center, which, according to Grand Moff Tarkin,
will "provide a safe and fun learning environment for tots between the ages
of one and four," has already begun spring enrollment and is expected to be
fully operational by June 1.

    "Nothing can stop the Sunshine Death Star Play and Learning Center,"
the Imperial Emperor said via holograph. "With its four classrooms, outdoor
playground and experienced staff of licensed day care professionals, no
other facility can match its awesome instructive power."

	... [There's more at the web site... -psl]

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Forwarded-by: Dan Wallach <dwallach@CS.Princeton.EDU>
[further forwards deleted]

TOP TEN REJECTED STAR WARS PLOT LINE CHANGES FOR THE RE-RELASE

10. The stormtroopers kill Luke at his uncle's house.  The movie ends.

9.  Luke does NOT stay on target.... but Porkins does!  He blows up the
    Death Star, gets Leia, and spends the remainder of the trilogy in the
    Rebel Cafeteria.

8.  R2-D2 does not let the Wookie win, and Chebacca tears him to shreds,
    causing C3PO to go into an uncharateristic rage, culminating in his
    initiation of the Falcon's self-destruct sequence.

7.  Obi-Wan and Vader settle their differences the old-fashioned way.....
    shoots!  Best two out of three.

6.  Leia falls for BOTH Luke and Han, convincing them to leave the
    Rebellion in favour of the Corellian Pleasure Cruiser "Jabba's
    Paradise" where the three spend out their days engaging in unspeakable
    acts using the force.

5.  Luke's father turns out to be.... Jabba the Hutt!
                (Luke: Nooooo!  Jabba: Huoh, huoh, huoh!)

4.  Darth Vader turns out to be Luke's mother.  (journey to the Dark Side
    indeed!)

3.  Vader loses the Death Star to Lando Calrisian in a poker game.

2.  The Jawas led by R2-D2 and the Ewoks led by Salacious Crumb plunge
    into a 100-year war known as the "War of Who Gives a Rat's Ass?".

and the No. 1 rejected plot line,

        Luke removes Vader's mask to discover that he is.....  Jim "The
        Anvil" Nightheart!!!
                (Luke: Noooo!  Vader: Nyaaaaaahhh!)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject: New Star Wars scenes...
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
Forwarded-by: Kevin Foster <kfoster@informix.com>

[Some dingaling along the line forwarding this thing didn't notice that it
is copyrighted by Ziff-Davis and can't be reproduced "in whole or in part
in any form or medium without the express written permission of Ziff-Davis
Publishing Co."  So whoever it was stripped off the copyright notice and
sent it on...  Fortunately I found it at the TopFive archive site so I won't
include the pretty funny text here.  But you can find it yourself at
<http://www.zdnet.com/wsources/topfive/t5020597.html>... -psl]
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