Fun_People Archive
30 Jan
The Comedian's Eye View of 01/29/97

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 00:33:35 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 01/29/97

Excerpted-from: 01/29/97 -- ShopTalk

                      Wednesday January 29, 1997

     "Jay is a very, very violent man. He has a history of violent acts,
      and we're very concerned about that.  It is our hope we can get more
      violence in that daypart. Therefore the ratings would be even higher."

			NBC Entertainment President Warren Littlefield
			explaining why the "Tonight Show" is rated TV-14,
			while "Late Show" (David Letterman) is rated TV-PG

                               &&&&&&&&&&

A few quick thoughts on the Super Bowl: "Obviously, cheddar is better," says
Tony Kornheiser of the Washington Post.  "And by the end of the game,
chowder was powder."

Coach Mike Holmgren had warned the Packers not to get involved with the
wrong people in New Orleans.  "In other words," says Frenchie McFArlane,
"stay away from topless dancers and Dallas Cowboys."

Alan Ray says President Clinton invited the Packers to the White House, then
added: "You guys don't mind sharing a bed with a couple of Asian
business-men, do you?"

Let's hope the Packers' visit to the White House goes better than that of
the Colorado Avalanche. When the Stanley Cup champs visited recently, the
bus driver told the guard at the gate: "the Colorado basketball team is
here."

Jay Leno, on Patriots coach Bill Parcells, who reportedly is about to take
the Jets' coaching job: "How admirable is that? I mean, that a man quits
his job to do charity work."

It's been a great year for sports tradition, says Argus Hamilton.  "The
Super Bowl trophy went back to Green Bay, the World Series trophy went back
to New York and the Dallas Cowboy specimen cup went back to the
commissioner's office."

Scottie Baran says he terrorized a bunch of Packers fans wearing cheese-head
hats.  "I was wearing my Mouseketeer hat from Disneyland..."

Adds Gary Easley, "The Packers not only won the Super Bowl, they also made
the point spread.  Now their bookies get to go to Disneyland."

"You could see huge bodies dripping sweat, hear fearsome grunting and
groaning, even wince at the occasional groin pull," says Jerry Perisho.
"But enough about the Blues Brothers' half-time performance."

That pregame coin toss was just a staged reenactment, says Jenny Church.
"If they had tossed a real coin out there, athletes could have been injured
in the crush of owners and agents scrambling to pick it up."

In the news: We're finally drying out a bit after another rainy weekend.
Says Perisho, "There was so much flowing mud and sandbagging, Californians
thought it was a gubernatorial campaign."

Adds Bob Mills, "Several enterprising Marin County Realtors are trying to
put a positive spin on the floods with the slogan 'Never an Empty Hot Tub.'"

A man pulled up near the gates of Paramount studios and said he had 5,000
pounds of explosives.  Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "Paramount accountants
said, 'Even if it isn't a bomb, we can make it look like it is.'"

A jury ordered ABC News to write a check for $5.5 million to the Food Lion
grocery chain because of the way it gathered information for a story. Says
Steve Voldseth, "Just my luck, I got in line behind the guy trying to get
it approved."

Bloomingdale's says sales of Bruno Magli shoes are better than ever.  Says
Alan Ray, "OJ Simpson has proven their worth.  He wore them- and walked."

A male and female panda were introduced at the San Diego Zoo in hopes that
they will procreate.  Says Ray, "Experts say the mating process is similar
to that of humans: There won't be any talking afterward."

In the wake of Dennis Rodman's $200,000 settlement with the cameraman he
kicked, Mark Heisler of the LA Times predicts, "It's going to be really
crowded on the baseline now, with all the camera people wearing 'Kick me'
signs."

If you think Rodman is upset about how he's treated in the press, bear in
mind that in his new book, due out in May, he says: "The only bad press is
an obit."

Rodman plays a villain in his new movie, "Double Team." Says Tom Powers of
the St. Paul Pioneer-Press: "That's like hiring Elizabeth Taylor to play a
divorcee."

© 1997 Peter Langston