Fun_People Archive
20 Dec
World Ideologies Measured in Cows

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 20 Dec 96 13:40:03 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: World Ideologies Measured in Cows

[Also see "A Cow's Eye View of Political Philosophy" from nine months ago
 (Fun_People 3/20/96) ... -psl]

Forwarded-by: Brian Smith <bdws@eskimo.com>
Forwarded-by: Gary Mager <Magerga@cojk.com>


	World Ideologies as explained by reference to cows

FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with
everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government
gives you a glass of milk.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the
chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives
you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of
them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about
who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one
works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes
all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the
black market.

PERESTROIKA
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all
the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free"
market.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the
milk.

BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them
and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes
both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then
it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM
You don't have any cows.  The bank will not lend you money to buy cows,
because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

PURE ANARCHY
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your
neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHO-CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica
lessons.

OLYMPICS-ISM
You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling
violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the
moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a
suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the
Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its
parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition,
severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a
multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led
out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one
ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at
its Beijing restaurant.

© 1996 Peter Langston