Fun_People Archive
14 Dec
The Comedian's Eye View of 12-13-96

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sat, 14 Dec 96 12:29:29 -0800
To: Fun_People
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 12-13-96

Excerpted-from: 12-13-96-- ShopTalk

                           Friday December 13, 1996

  "OJ is so depressed.  He sits around the house brooding all day
because he can't earn money.  And I was thinking about this.  Well,
let's see.  He's 50 years old, he's a former football player with
arthritis.  You know- he could still play for the Jets."
                -- David Letterman

A survey in George magazine named President Clinton Most Valuable Politician.
Says Cutler, "And 'most valuable politician' wins for Best New Oxymoron."

The United States posted its worst quarterly trade deficit.  Says Alex
Pearlstein, "I think it's probably all those campaign contributions Clinton
had to return."

A new study says Americans have more free time than ever- it just seems like
we have less.  Says Steve Tatham, "That's not true- and I'd write a joke
about it if I had the time."

In Minnesota, a wealthy dentist and his family were charged with hiring a
personal shoplifter:

"Apparently, they got a little cocky after their hired jaywalker eluded a
citation." (Joshua Sostrin)

"They hired the state's top defense lawyer- and have already retrieved their
retainer, thanks to the state's top pickpocket." (Mills)

How wet has it been this week?  Says Darren Carter, "Man, it was raining
cats and Dalmatians."

Slightly used: An Israeli company has invented a way to recycle disposable
diapers:

"It dries them and resells them as rap music." (Stan Kaplan)

"What's new? The National Enquirer has been turning crap into newspapers
for years."  (Bill Williams)

"Why not?  We've got No. 2 pencils, why not No. 2 paper?" (Jay Leno)

"Kind of gives new meaning to the phrase 'brown-bagging it.'" (Steve
Voldseth)

"Too bad we didn't have that sooner.  It would have made the perfect paper
to print all those OJ lawyer books." (Williams)

© 1996 Peter Langston